coping with meltdowns in public places

[PaperView]

It prob wasn't a meltdown but DS2 became FERAL while out today. We were only looking at sofa's fgs!! He is often like this at home but can deal with it there and in supermarkets we just kind of hurry up and grip him v tightly.

Today i had to practically sit on him and he was still thrashing around and making his odd noises. DS3 had the run of the shop (he is nearly 3 so normal behaviour for that age!) DS1 was being a star and DH chatting to sales woman (we really need a new sofa!!)

He has never been this bad and after being woken at STUPID o clock every morning for the last fortnight as well as being up in the night most nights with DS3 i just wanted to scream and cry

SO how do you deal with it because i am obviously not doing it right!!

DS2 is nearly 6 and being assessed for ASD (I think it's ADOS we are doing..??) We (I) don't know how to deal with his behaviours and still be consistent for the other (NT) DSs All the consultants, GPs, HVs etc we have been thru haven;t offered ANY emotional support or helpful advice what so ever.

It's very hard and you need to find what works for you. I'm very strict with my two but it works with one but nit other! Eldest one is better but she's eight now where as dd2 is only three.
I'm a strong believer in changeling my girls and make some but not loads of allowances for their ASD. I know they have to, at some point manage without me so try to teach social boundaries as much as possible.
What works with dd1 is time out and with dd2 is loss of something.
However I know how far to push it. I would never take my girls shopping or somewhere noisy unless I really had to. We also do alot of plan talks, about where we are going, why, how long for and what is accepted behaviour in that place. We may also do visual plans if not been there before and time plans if going to mire than one place. Hth

Try a calender with pictures of the shops you are going to? Show it before and after you have been. Write a few rules with pictures of behaviour and what reward for keeping to the rules show them before you go and when you come back.

In the shop I will hold hands and let Mummy and Daddy look for what they want. If I am good and do this Mummy and Daddy will....

Don't know if it will help my ds can only tolerate 2 or 3 shops then he has had enough of all the stimulation. Might get an extra couple of minutes if there is a mirror in the shop as he loves them......

Dont go saying you are not doing it right. My DS is so unpredictable that what works for say two or 3 days wont necessarily continue to work and a change of plan is needed :)

DS likes routine and knowing what his happening. He also likes to be told what his happening next so every so often I prompt him by saying " dont forget we got to do this or going to that" I always leave with a target for his benefit (spoiling maybe but hey we are outside and if it makes us calmer so be it)

Such as the night before I tell him tomorrow 1) after breakfast 2) we are going on bus 3) to shoe shop 4) you need to be still to try on shoes 5) if we be quick then we can...........then offer treat ie. go to poundland for books and pens/stickers, or mac donalds, feed the ducks ANYTHING that he is dying to wait for.

Some times if I know he is having a "iffy day" We again write a list together repeating what I have already said. He has the list and a pen and we tick off as we go. It gives him something keep in his pocket and pull out and tick so he feels in control of his day out.

If all fails and the hissy fit starts then I (cringe because ppl are watching :o) grab the list and hold it infront of him and point with the pen and say "look we have 2 more or 3 more things to do before we get to macdonalds and being upset is not on this list so we have to time for it. If it takes up time then we have to miss out on something and that will be maccy D and I will be sad because I am starving."

It works to a degree in giving him something to distract for a few secs. He sometimes still gripes but not as bad as a full on meltdown.

It may work for you :)

Our DS2(4yo) responds to different things different days, so we generally run through a few things before we hit something (mostly) that works.

Some things:

• numbers (DS2 is obsessed with numbers, so starting any type of verbal counting game or busying him with counting objects that he can see will sometimes head off a meltdown - or at least delay it until we're somewhere that it's more manageable)
• letters/reading (same as with numbers)
• singing (for some reason, DS2 cannot stand to have a song left incomplete, so if I quietly sing the first line of a song to him, he generally will sing the next line - distracting him a bit - then I will sing the next line, and so on back and forth through the song)

Sounds silly, but I always try distraction first if I see a pending meltdown.

• reminder of reward coming up (mcd's, buying a book, or something he's looking forward to) and a reminder that he must be a big boy (and then if he settles, make sure to praise him so he gets immediate positive reinforcement)
• riding out the meltdown (yup, sometimes he is much better after he's let out some steam)
• one of us (usually me) removes him to another area so he can either be distracted better or get through the meltdown, while DH deals with DS3 and gets done whatever else needs to be done in shop (or wherever we are)

DS2 doesn't tolerate shops for very long, he gets overloaded and irritable, so if we have a fair amount of things to do in town, we make sure to plan "stress breaks" into the day. So it's rather like 2 shops, then something DS2 enjoys such as stopping for snack, 2 more shops, then something else DS2 enjoys, and so on. Then he knows he has something to look forward to throughout the day. If he's a bit more edgy that day, we'll alter it so there's a mini break between each shop (time consuming and all, but better than a meltdown which can often literally end the day out).

I like the idea of bringing the list, as DS2 is now reading, I may try that next time. We do that in the supermarket, but I didn't think of using a list for him for regular shopping trips into town. Thanks for the idea!

I don't think, however, that there really is a "right thing to do" - every child is different, and let's face it, lots of them respond to different things on different days. We all struggle with it, you're not alone on that.

oops, sorry that was so long!!

Just a further point, DS2 has speech/language delay and when he is upset, he struggles with communication. So when we're out and about and he is getting agitated, the best thing for him is distraction and dealing with the meltdown, as opposed to asking him to tell us what is wrong - as he just gets more distressed. It means it can be a bit of a guessing game as to what the problem is, but that's just how it is right now with him.

Thank you for your advice.

We do do a lot of prep before we go anywhere. This time we had even looked at some of the sofas online! We had done distraction and time out too! And we only went in 2 places!!(sorry over use of exclamation marks there)

He has never been this bad before. If I am alone with the DCs I don't take them anywhere because he is so unpredictable (he's a runner)

Will have a look at yesterday and see where I went wrong so that it doesn't get to that point again.

Paper you have not done anything wrong - it could have been the lights in the shops the noise the crowds, - things that you could not have predicted.
It happens take a deep breathe count to 10 and concentrate on dealing with your son and ignore the looks of other people who may not understand.

im like some of the others i find what works one day wont another sometimes i feel like a bad mother as if i need peace and quiet at home i will allow DS to immerse himself in his laptop game or tv and when shopping the only way ATM i can get around the shop at all is to allow him to play on his DS or PSP as we go sometimes hes happy to just push the trolly for me but i never leave the house without some toys a drink his games bag with DS & psp in it and if hes staying round his aunts while i go to an appointment i send him with his lunchbox and all the above its basically anything to make life easier when we have to do chores/appointments or shopping otherwise i know in advance he WILL have a meltdown and thats not nice for anyone esp not DS its exhasting for him and anyone in the vacinity..is that bad i dont know some will probably say it is but im hoping now hes going to SS i will have time for courses and to join the SS parents group for some better stratergies mine work ISH but is that good enough ive had to find these ways of doing things as hes 10 nearly 11 and ive had no outside agencies/prof help yet

i forgot to say that basically i try to avoid the sittuations and places if i can that i know always turn into meltdowns but im not sure thats always best but the SS are supposed to teach me and DS the different tactics of ways of coping with social "issues" like shopping for himself alone one day (cant imagine that ever at all ATM) but who knows i guess

We're still learning. It's bloody hard when some of your own family and friends think its down to shitty parenting and refuse to believe there is anything "wrong". They get a snapshot of our lives and don't realise the work that goes in to preparing for their arrival yet think that it's not possibly as bad as we make out.

I have had to fight to get him this far - he also has bowel issues which we are only just making head way with.

If i avoided every possible place or situation that could cause a melt down i don't thin we would go anywhere!

SOrry for self indulgent moaning.

Paperview - I sometimes feel that way too - if we avoided everywhere that could cause a meltdown, we wouldn't leave the house. I do what I can to minimise it beforehand and then do what I can to avoid it while we're out, and then do what I can to deal with it if/when it happens. Some days that's about all we can do, eh?

oh of course we cant avoid them all ,the ones you can though i certainly try to for instance the shopping if i can get my friend to stay with him rather than take DS go i do that sort of thing and triggles is right you just have to find stratagies best for you there all different , but ive a few i NEVER do like waiting in lines a complete no no so i let DH queue or something rather than the whole family standing there that sort of thing, maybe i made it sound simple but after 10 yrs of it , it deffinately hasnt got any better and its never easy but hopefully we get a little better at recognising the early warning signs its going to happen and find some diverging tactic to lessen it