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SN children

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Original poster

Feeling really disheartened :o(

24 replies

gobehindabushfgs · 10/02/2011 15:46

After the thumping I got on AIBU yesterday, I've decided to try posting here instead

basically ds1 (8, with AS) told me last night that there was a SEAL activity at school tomorrow and I was meant to go to it - first I had heard of it, I was a bit annoyed but I did want to go

so having cancelled my afternoon's plans, left work early etc I turned up to do it with him

he behaved atrociously

shouting, making fart jokes and being rude at the top of his voice, getting his friends to laugh at me etc

I can handle him - and I do, at home - but it was really difficult being in school with the teacher and the TA and lots of other parents there

I did actually take his chair off him and make him stand up, after three warnings for rocking it back and laughing at me when I told him not to

I feel utterly humiliated, and upset, and angry

and I am embarrassed that I was gruff and upset when the teacher asked me if I had enjoyed myself (she's great, it's not her fault at all)

and yes I KNOW he has AS and strange situations trigger him, and I know my feelings are childish and not his problem - that is why I am venting here, while he is at afterschool club (he announced loudly that he didn't want to come home with me, he wanted me to go home and to go to afterschool club as normal on a thursday)

OP posts:

Original poster

gobehindabushfgs · 10/02/2011 15:55

OP posts:

intothewest · 10/02/2011 15:56

sorry you got a thumping on aibu-that's why I post here

sorry you had such a bad time -and it is o.k to be upset and angry.

It is difficult to deal with children at school in the same way as you deal with them at home,because they are in a different situation/mindset- your feelings are certainly not childish

I can understand why he wanted to go to after school club if that is what he ALWAYS does (my ds wouldn't come home with me -HE goes on the bus)

I don't know anything about your child;but in a quiet time at home could you talk to him about what went on ?

...and don't feel bad-it's NOT your fault

IndigoBell · 10/02/2011 16:00

Sorry to hear you had such a bad time.

I don't ever go into school to do stuff like that.

I went on a school trip with him once (when school specifically asked me to) and it was a disaster. He had a total meltdown, I could see it building and building, but I couldn't get him out of the situation.....

When they asked me to go on his next school trip I said No. He behaves better without me there, and it is easier for school to manage him when I'm not there.

So, if I were you, I just wouldn't go again.

Original poster

gobehindabushfgs · 10/02/2011 16:03

the teacher did say "he plays up to you" and if I could be a fly on the wall I would see that he doesn't behave like that for her

I feel like she is better with him than I am and I looked a total fuckwit

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Spinkle · 10/02/2011 16:04

Everyone feels crappy when their kiddie acts up in front of an audience.

Half the meltdowns my DS has would be much more tolerable if they were in the privacy of our own home.

I would discuss it with him though. He needs to be aware of others feelings - even if he doesn't understand them. You don't have to get cross - just explain the situation.

I'm sorry you've had a crappy afternoon

bettyboop63 · 10/02/2011 16:06

dont feel bad (easily said i know) we all sometimes let their behaviour get to us 99% i manage but might sometimes go red faced and not do/say the right thing because were only human too and if looks could kill from some parents and snide comments and tuts these kind of sittuations / evenings are when my DS knows im a shy person and already nervous and that exactly when he plays up for want of a better phrase more when i calm down i realise its actually me thas triggered it more by being heightend/anxious myself he really picks up on it so sit back relax have a coffee or wine and a bath maybe b4 he gets home unless you got to collect him of course or when he gets back go have a soak and let yourself off the hook your a good mum doing your best

TotalChaos · 10/02/2011 16:11

Of course kids play us up more, they know we love them and teacher doesnt! Could be he was stressed by change of you being in school. Sorry it was a pants afternoon

IndigoBell · 10/02/2011 16:12

She is not better with him than you are. It's just that it's on her turf, so she has the advantage.

If she tried to look after him at home in the weekend I bet she'd struggle as well.....

It's always awkward when there's 2 adults who could be in charge.....

bettyboop63 · 10/02/2011 16:13

awww yr not a FW lol that made me some teachers are so bloody smug she doesnt have him 24/7 bet she wouldnt cope with him at 7am ,mealtimes, in asda , schools more strucured than home so he prob would be better for her , he knows you better. please dont feel so bad put the day behind you as we all have bad days and nothing to feel embarrassed about

Original poster

gobehindabushfgs · 10/02/2011 16:15

she isn't smug (although we have had teachers who were) she is really lovely, and has hods of experience and is unflappable, she is exactly the right sort of teacher for him

I just felt like a complete twat in front of her and all the other parents and sad because it could have been so lovely and it wasn't

thanks for the support, it really does help

OP posts:

Al1son · 10/02/2011 16:20

I am a childminder and I see children behaving beautifully for me and turning into little monsters at home time every day. My DD2 does exactly the same when I pick her up from school.

It's not that she's better at handling him it's because

a) he feels more secure around you and is able to express his real personality because he knows you will still love him.

b) he was thrown by the change to the normal routine.

c) he was probably very confused as to how he should behave, who was in charge, etc.

I am certain that the teacher is not judging you and if she has children her sole emotion will be empathy.

Try not to let this get to you.

bettyboop63 · 10/02/2011 16:24

ohh ok sorry im probbabley drawing from my own personal experience there with some of ds teachers lol( i was enjoying giving her grief haha therapy for me) ok even so in that case she prob was just trying to be friendly and make you feel better still what i said is right though yr a great mum and i bet if she (as in my case) slightly over cooked my DS toast she would change her mind and bet she would flap then hope tomorrows a better day for you

Original poster

gobehindabushfgs · 10/02/2011 16:28

LOLOLOL at slightly overcooking hisa toast, you might as well let a bomb off

it is bloody time-consuming and difficult averting the random meltdowns, even worse when you are at school with a big audience and it;s not your "territory"

I think I will tell him I am not going to the next one. Which is a pity, because I want to support the school. My mother was totally disinterested, wouldn't have even known my teacher's name at that age. I want to be involved, I joined the governing body etc for that reason. But I don't think I can face feeling like that again in front of everyone

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bettyboop63 · 10/02/2011 16:33

i dont go to clubs no as my DS would be worse n tbh we BOTh need space from each other dont we i used to do it for DS older brother n sister so its not like im a drop n run mum but with all the stress were under you deserve a bit of me time

moosemama · 10/02/2011 16:41

Sorry you had a bad afternoon.

The fact that our dcs have AS doesn't make it any less painful or embarrassing when they behave like that. The reasons behind why they do it might be understandable, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't think your feelings are childish at all. I would probably feel much the same under those cirumstances.

For me, its always worse when I've gone to a lot of trouble and put myself out for him and then he's totally unappreciative or ungrateful. I know he can't help not realising how I feel or how much trouble I've gone to, but I'm only human and I can't help how I feel - just as he can't help not being able to understand how I feel.

I had to stop helping out in school because my ds was always worse with me there. For him, school is school and home is home and he can't cope with them crossing over.

I'm sure you are already planning to talk to him about what happened and in your shoes, I would definitely have a chat with him and let him know how much his behaviour upset you. Regardless of the trigger, or the fact that he's oblivious to how you are feeling, he does need to learn how his behaviour impacts on others.

Oh and don't ever feel that his teacher is better with him than you are - its just not true. Many children with AS love rules and feel safe within their framework, so with his teacher in charge of his class every day, constantly reinforcing the same rules and expecting the same of all the children every single day, things seem very straightforward for him and he may find that easier to conform to. At school, he knows the rules of his classroom and what his teacher expects of him, your being there threw this into disarray for a while that's all. Its absolutely no reflection on your parenting or ability to handle him. His teacher would find him a very different child to handle if she came to your house and tried to liik after him there - your/his home, your/his rules etc would mean that she was then the one who was out of context for your ds and you would be the one who was able to handle him.

Hope you have a better evening.

moosemama · 10/02/2011 16:42

Typed too much and cross posted with everyone - as usual!

Original poster

gobehindabushfgs · 10/02/2011 17:09

thanks moosemama

I feel a bit better now, I was really rattled when I got in

dh wants to give ds1 a rocket on the way home (he's picking him up) but I have asked him not to, I will talk to him instead

I hate this kind of situation, it reminds me of my mother being as nice as pie in front of people and then turning on me for "showing her up" - often I hadn't a clue what she was talking about

and ds1 and I are very similar

OP posts:

coff33pot · 10/02/2011 17:30

I know exactly where you are coming from and can understand how awkward you must have felt.

I went on one trip with my DS and it was a long walk then all morning running up and down on sand. Would he come back when called? NOPE and on the way back he didnt want to walk and yelled and yelled all the way back with me dragging him along. To make matters worse one of the teachers came to me and said "would you like me to take him for you" Red flag to an already stressed out bull! My interpretation was she doesnt think I can handle my DS and the mothers tutting with their "beautifully behaved" beauties didnt help mattters.

Got back to school and he sat and had a drink on my lap and you wouldnt even know the meltdown had happend. Went home and cried my eyes out I felt so rubbish.

I still go and face it but I go on the trip and then leave just before they go home with an excuse of having work to go to. That way he behaves for them on the walk home.

Everyone that posted is right. Talk to him on how you felt on his behaviour. But in no way fell it is all your fault :)

mariamagdalena · 10/02/2011 17:35

Ohhh... horrid. But at the thought of teacher taking him round asda or doing the toast wrong. In fact, why don't we all suggest that the teachers pop in to do breakfast and then take the dc to the supermarket.

moosemama · 10/02/2011 17:56

Even I don't do supermarket shopping with ds1. [cowardy custard emoticon]

But now you come to mention it - I'd secretly love to hide somewhere and watch his teacher give it a go.

Thank heavens for Tesco online shopping!

TotalChaos · 10/02/2011 18:11

Yes betty loved your post about burnt toast and supermarket trips!

bettyboop63 · 10/02/2011 18:43

@ everyone oh to be a fly on the wall while they try that , my Ds hates the supermarket(until now) he has discovered he can go around playing his hand held game and not get run over with a trolly, so now i push my cart fill it whilst holding on to his hood he likes this as he thinks he will get lost in a supermarket we get some looks but it works awkward but keeps DS smilling and if any Teachers or TA'S would like to offer their services for shopping , breakfast , bathtime, bedtime or days out or my DS real hatred one the orthodontist feel free to get in touch ill gladly swap jobs for the day

asdx2 · 10/02/2011 19:23

Ds and dd really struggle if I go into school mostly because they see home and school as being totally separate so I shouldn't be there and the teachers shouldn't be at home either.They know that I am in charge and also that at school the teachers are in charge so if we are there together they lose the plot because it confuses them. I use it as a good excuse to avoid social situations in school tbh

ouryve · 10/02/2011 19:35

I'm with asdx2 - I generally avoid situations where I'll be dealing with either of the boys in school. I'd be in the Wrong Place as far as they are concerned, which would disturb the entire balance of the cosmos.

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