Thanks. Not sure whether DS2 has some 'theory of mind' as he does seem to behave differently outside of the home, which is why it's so confusing to know what to make of him right now. When he was aged 4, at school )and alos now too) he was known as someone who was very kind and helpful and once helped to pick up the headmistress off the playground - who'd slipped on the ice - and kissed her arm!
This made me think he must have a full understanding of others' feelings. He also even now at age 9 spontaneously comes out with the kind of thing teachers and adults love - like "Oh Mr X (his headmaster)! You look 20 years younger today!"
However, at home, he can be downright atrocious to me (I'm the only parent). He will show off arrogantly to his twin about his academic talents and sneer at him. He will use back against me comments I've made to him in the midst of his bad behaviour that would fit HIS behaviour but not mine at all (not that I'm perfect parent by any means!)
How he changes things round is that I'll say something like, "DS2 - you deliberately emptied the wheelbarrow of all those leaves I spent the entire hour clearing up. Pick them up now!" (This was a RL argument last w/e) He then tries to storm off....several minutes down the line, he's finally picking up the leaves that he deliberately - and with relish - emptied all over the lawn...but the entire time saying, "Shut-up! Shut-up!" v loudly to me and also some words I won't repeat here.
I say, "Right! If you say that once more, I'll not let you go on your computer for the rest of the day!" So he says it again and again and is storming off. I go to disconnect his PC and that's when he starts to add things like, "You're so horrible to me! You're so rude to me! You're doing that on purpose!" - ie as if he's turning around the reality of the situation and trying to project it back onto me and blame me.
I get more angry and I'm afraid raise my voice to him. He gets furious. I tell him to go into the house and he does so in fury. He starts going on and on about how I've upset him. I've ruined the family afternoon - stuff that I've said to him by that time, as his twin is upset that the afternoon is indeed ruined once again by DS2.
Basically, it's as if he hears and takes on board that someone has done something deliberately wrong and then been rude and upsetting - but can't take on board that this person is him - and so turns it around and makes it my fault.
I don't know if the above is a good enough example of this but even his twin has noticed that DS2 will never admit fault and always then blames the one HE'S hurt for starting the upset.
Another thing he does is he'll get incredibly upset and tearful if losing at a boxed game. DS1 and I will then allow him to win or not to lose so badly, as DS2 really can't seem to cope with losing at all. But when we play another game that DS2 is good at, eg Scrabble, he'll be showing off, sneering at his twin, chanting how brilliant he is and how we're stupid.
When I berate him and remind him how it feels not to be winning and how his twin and I have often allowed him to win, again, he doesn't see to 'translate' this into the realisation that hurting others, especially when they've been lovely to you, isn't right and makes people feel sad and angry in the same way he might feel sad and angry.
If this kind of thing is context dependent, is this therefore not Asperger's traits - or is it that he hides his authentic (Asperger's) self more outside the home and has learned, by copying and mechanically, how to act charmingly and politely in contexts where his 'safe person' - me - isn't there?