Parents disagreeing on ABA - effect on child

[RockinSockBunnies]

Have just been ranting in the Step-Parents thread, but need some information here, if possible, from any wise people that might be able to help.

We're starting an ABA programme (not intensive as we can't afford it - probably around 10 hours per week, but using ABA as much as possible in everyday life) for DSS who is 8 and autistic. Problem is, he lives with us half the time and with his mother half the time.

His mother is adamantly opposed to any form of therapy. She believes his problems aren't too bad and that he simply needs to be able to be himself. Currently, his issues are soiling himself, biting children at school, refusing to complete work, verbal stimming (lots of), tantrums, sensory issues, sleep issues. His mother won't read up on the subject of autism, won't try and deal with it, marginalises it and defers to the 'professionals' and blindly accepts anything they say. She won't engage in the Statementing process, won't ensure that DSS has a water-tight statement and believes that the Local Authority has DSS's best interests at heart and that anything that might be provided (e.g. his own workstation at school) is simply marvellous and lavishes over-the-top emails on the Headteacher.

DP endeavours to engage with her - he sends her links, useful books to read, information about statementing. She doesn't respond. He has mentioned that we're going to start ABA. She states that it's terrible, awful and refuses to countenance the idea.

Regardless of her, we're going to do as much ABA at home with DSS each week we have him (one week on, one week off). BUT, will this do any good at all if his mother refuses to engage with ABA.

Is any ABA better than none? Does anyone know of any kind of experience like this?

I have no knowledge of ABA, but imo, it sounds like the mother's issue is with the dx itself. How does she manage her DS when at home with her? It may be part of her 'grief ' at the dx - how long ago was your DSS diagnosed? It just seems that until the mother can get her head around interventions as a way forward that might lead her to have an easier time of things, the way forward for you all is going to be difficult. Has she had any advice on how to cope with a dx?

He's been diagnosed, officially, since last year. But ASD was long suspected and mentioned to her since DSS was three.

When DSS is with her, she rarely leaves the house other than to go to Church.

I have no idea about how she deals with things, or how her mind works at all, other than to make life difficult for everyone around her. Have been venting on the step-parenting board! Essentially, she is extremely self-obsessed and insecure and won't focus on her child's needs as she can't see anything from a perspective that doesn't involved herself.

Rock and hard place territory . I may have got it wrong - as i haven't done it myself - but isn't ABA about consistent reinforcement? If half of his time there is no consistency what does an ABA tutor suggest?
Hopefully someone who has done ABA will be along this afo to tell you their opinion as to the likely effectiveness of it if not everyone is on board.
Sorry.

Any ABA is better than none imho. She may find that she likes the improvements she sees, and may gradually come round from her kneejerk response anti ABA (which has probably been fuelled by school - I got loads of people trying to put me off it, saying it created little robots, but am so glad I tried it myself, as all those people were talking **cks!). You sound like a very caring Stepmum.

Thank you sickofsocalledexperts! I've read the 'Let me Hear Your Voice' book, have looked into ABA as much as possible, have found a tutor and people to help out. It's so frustrating that his mother doesn't care and won't look at anything on the issue - it's a blanket 'no'. I've never met anyone so irrational.......

I can't help feeling a little sorry for his mum; you sound very critical. She must be feeling judged and ganged up on. I'm sure she is trying to do what's best for her son, please have some compassion.

As for ABA, have you discussed it with the ABA tutor? They should be able to tell if they think it's worth trying without DSS's mother's input. From what I know, consistency is key, but it might still be worth trying and if there is an improvement in his issues his mother might then be convinced of the programme's merit.

Alfafa - I am very critical when she can't even do basic things for her son like give him warm clothes, feed him properly or run a nit comb through his hair. I have little compassion for someone who dragged her son through police and social workers, having made up false allegations of abuse against DP to try and win a custody battle. Nor do I really feel much for someone who planned to abduct her son to the other side of the world (see step-parenting thread on subject)!

I am waiting to hear from the ABA tutor. From what she's said so far on the subject (given that I had my reservations that the situation might turn out like this), any ABA is better than none.

Okay, I apologise for the mini-lecture in that case, I wasn't aware of all the details :)

I agree any ABA is better than none.
You might get his mother on board yet, maybe if the tutor spoke to her, explained how it works and how it can benefit DSS? She might be more inclined to listen to the tutor, worth a try?