Tantrums out of control!!Please help.

[Floopytheloopy]

Hi everyone.

I feel like i'm going back in time a year sending this post.

DD(4 and possibly ASD)has started having incredibly violent tantrums again.

This morning and for no reason really atall she just launched herself at me. She was constantly hitting, scratched my arm til it bled, scratched my face, pulled my hair, really the list goes on and on. We don't have a space to put her for a time out situation. It's complicated, but it just wouldn't work. I don't smack, but I sometimes have to be rather heavy handed, simply to restrain her. I hate doing this and also hate losing my temper(even though it's justified). Nothing seems to work anymore. Taking things away, saying she can't go somewhere, nothing! When she's like this she looks like a wild animal and I feel like she's not mine.

Basically this is out of control and it needs to stop. My nerves are shot and I genuinely don't know what else I can try.

Please, if anyone has got any ideas or suggestions I would be so appreciative.

Dh has gone to work this morning almost in tears because he feels bad for shouting. Although I don't like seeing it, I understand why he did it. He gets rather protective of me and can't stand to see our dd hurting me like that. It's basically tearing us all apart.

Thanks for reading.

Poor you. My ds wouldnt understand time out, so these things dont work for me either. it is very difficult for all the family, poor dh away to work feeling bad. hopefully by time she comes home everyone will be much calmer. you do feel bad for getting annoyed with her or for dh shouting, but you shouldnt you are only human and can only take so much. ive no suggestions or ideas as to what you can do, im often in same situation and just really wait until passes. my ds is on medication, to calm him down and to make him sleep. dont know if this is an option for you perhaps you could speak to gp or paedeatrician who deals with dd. hopefully you have some time on your own to recharge your batteries. when my ds is going through bad spell, i go out on my own for few hours and next day dh gets few hours to himself.

my DS is 10 ASD hes too big to handle in these sittuations now ,im same height as him hes going to be tall like his dad all you can do is make sure rooms safe and ride it out medication and formal dx if things are getting this bad as you say it was b4 is important so you can get other types of help/therapy as shazain says could be floppy DD might need medication im thinking of getting this for my DS too as im feeling esp as hes now so big im not able to control him (for want of a better word as i dont want to actually control him) just stop him hurting himself or his siblings..or me for that matter as afterwards he never really seems to know what hes done its like he goes into auto pilot and mind goes haywire n sort of blanks it out after

oh sorry but forgot to say they do say at DS,s SS that you shouldnt really restrain if you can help it it only heightens the fear that causes these reactions that come out as anger as its natural if for whatever reason your scared is two things fight or flight ie run away or hit out this is just my opinion of course and i do know that its easier said than done .

How would she react if you, quietly and calmly, said "we don't hit" and walked away? Your DD is obviously trying to get some point across or some attention in some way with the tantrums, since she's aiming them so directly at you. By making yourself unavailable, you would make the most direct point that she is not going to achieve anything by attacking you in this way.

Also, by taking yourself away from the situation, you are preventing yourself from adding fuel to the fire. There's a huge element of fight or flight involved in tantrums like this, so if you're in the middle of it and shouting (you said your DH was shouting), or even pleading, then you're helping to keep the adrenaline rushing by constantly feeding into her stress.

Obviously, you need to make sure she is safe before you walk away - make sure there's nothing that can be broken and nothing that she can hurt herself on.

For DS we used to use putting him in another room (safe, with some toys) with the door shut but it also became unfeasible. And it's short term too...only works until they can work the handle!

So, some strategies that we were given were:

1. Some visual symbols about no hitting, no biting etc...we did lots of stories about kind hands and kind feet and no pinching...AND

1. A mat...doesn't matter how long he stays on it (forget 1 minute per year) but it is the "naughty" mat rserved solely for hitting, biting etc. We put him on it when he does the violent thing and show him the symbol. AND

1. Ignore, ignore, ignore...with lots of kisses and cuddles for DD if he directed hitting etc at his sister.

So, when he was calm, we did lots of social story stuff about kind hands etc and showed him the no hitting visuals (try dotolearn.com). Then we do mat, visual, and then ignore...it's taken ages but it seems to be having an effect i.e. he will still follow me round screaming but he seems to be aware after the initial lashing out that he keeps his hands to himself.

Obviously, these things work differently for everyone, but seems to be having an effect.

Also, for the odd hit, slap etc I just say "Oh no, we use kind hands" and then walk off... he may follow me round crying but until he stops tantrumming etc I ignore. It does work. His keyworkers do this too, no reaction, remind about kind hands etc and then ignore.

DS is quite verbal and beginning to understand behaviour=consequence though...so this may be unsuitable.

Hope it's of some help

Hi "floppy" I have an autistic son whom is now 13yrs old and 5ft 8, he has been agressive since being little and we have tried everything, he actually liked being held when "kicking of" (termed by my other children) I used to get in bed with him and throw lots of quilts and blankets on us, for some reason it calmed him (and still does) We dont use any other language except "no hitting" and dont give him any eye contact which really winds him up but gives me a tiny piece to control so when he calms i will look at him and chat. I always say hes not aiming at me just a total loss of control. My hubby finds it hard when he hits me but now he has also learnt to keep calm and behaves the same as i do, it is really hard and i crack sometimes, ive actually slapped his leg back once (sorry but no point in lying!!) All i can say is it gets easier, i dont get mad now and it actually doesnt wind me up (still hurts lol ) . I always stay really calm and the minute its over its forgotten (which can be hours aargghhh). Its always worse in public as EVERYONE!!!!!!!! stares but i just try to get him back to the car or we sit on the floor where we are, i also after many years have decided not to care what other people think, until they walk a mile in my shoes they arent allowed an opinion (unless its good lol ) I hope you find a way to deal with her challenging behaviour stay strong, in my opinion you get better at it every day x Good luck x

ps. When i used to hold him i would get on the floor and just bear hug not too tight and sort of get under his armpit so he couldnt reach me, or headbutt. We also didnt have a safe place for him to go.

Floppy - I really feel for you. Not sure if my son has ASD they've said possibly oppositional defiance disorder (seeing CMHS finally this week so may get some answers).

The only thing that had worked with my DS was ignoring the behaviour in conjunction with star chart. I turned my back on him letting him hit/punch/throw things whilst praising DD's good behaviour. I didn't turn my attention back to him until he'd calmed down and being nice to me. It did work.

You must be really run down with it. Hugs.

thats interesting automum that yr DS likes you holding him tight i guess its like the night time when cant sleep thing ie: putting a very heavy blanket on the bed to weigh him down which is supposed to be very comforting, sounds like floppys DD is reacting more stressed in her case with hands on approach tho , but i guess its not called a spectrum for nothing huh i wish my DS did like a big hug but at this stage in heightend feelings he hates being looked at spoken to or touched it would certainly be safer for him as thrashing about has ment he has hurt himself b4 nothing serious but i usually pull coffee table out of the way ect pitty we cant have a quiet space like at his SS

Thanks for everyone's advice. It has been really useful reading everyone's completely different experiences. bettyboopy- you're right in saying that they don't call it a spectrum for nothing. It is so different for everyone I guess, but the main thing is that we keep our dc's and us safe. Not to mention try to keep our sanity.

To be honest with you all, I know i'm handeling it wrong when I raise my voice and restrain her. Everytime things calm down I tell myself just walk away, which lots of you have suggested, but she can make me so angry that I lose my cool completely all over again. She was actually watching herself in the mirror and laughing at one point. I couldn't believe it was the same girl who can be so loving and caring at other times. :(

It's the personality change in her that I find so stressful and actually quite frightening.

its ok to feel angry i used to have soooo much patience im nearly 50 now lol its draining away rapidly and these days i find myself shouting too now and again mostly ive learned to walk away tho its my DS(15) who i get angry with not DS who has the ASD as i know a lot of the behaviour he just cant control but when DH and DS(15) are so impatient thats what really drives me nuts and they know all the traits ect ive walked around the block once or twice thats for sure my DS does that too looks in mirror he seems facinated looking at his own expressions makes you think its on perpose though but i know its not , hes also a cheeky thing though too just like his dad