How do you deal with parties??

[mumgoingcrazy]

DD2 does ms pre-school (with 1:1) 2 mornings a week and special school 2 days a week.

I've been really really fortunate in that DD2 has been asked to 4 parties since she started at easter. The mums all seem really nice and genuinely try to include DD2 and take an interest.

Our 4th party was today and it was a disaster, they had those whistles that extend out. As soon as I saw them I thought we'd be making a swift exit and I was right, DD2 kicked off straight away and was a nightmare. She just screamed and nothing I did could calm her, I was getting more and more stressed.

I ended up apologising to the host (who I don't know very well), and staggering out with DD2, coats dragging behind me. She'd very kindly made DD2 a GF going home bag and I burst out crying.

I'm so so embarassed, I don't know how to face them and worst of all I've organised a coffee morning on Monday which I'll have to go to.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, just need to get it down.

Dd2 was invited to a party when she was at nursery, there was a huge bouncy castle and loud music, the mum was really nice and turned the music down as she knew dd was sensitive to sound, dd2 spent most of the time with her hands over her ears, every one was stairing and whispering and i found it very upsetting . We have also had a few badexpereances at soft play too.

We have a party to go to in a few weeks and i'm dreading it as dd2 now has a birthday phobia (hates anything to do with birthdays).

Please don't feel embarassed, i have burst into tears many a times . Go to the coffee morning, i'm sure the mums will be understanding.

Thanks Marne, I think they will be understanding they've said to me many times "it must be so hard", "I don't know how you do it" etc etc so if anything it's that kind of talk behind my back, the pity talk I can't bear.

It's silly as I so wanted DD2 to be included in parties when she started, yet I dread it for a few days before as it could be either brilliant or awful and I can't call it at all.

I'm also very upset because I paint on a very smiley positive face that says I can cope with anything. Now they've seen me crumble, I feel like I've let myself down.

mumgoingcrazy - we just got back from one with my ASD DS aged 3. I found it incredibly stressful - more than him probably and cried in front of all the other parents like some woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I am SO mortified

I think parties can be difficult because not all other parents in attendance are aware of any special needs. DS just looked a bit out of control and spoilt and there were one or two small stares. Pass the parcel caused a few meltdowns as he just cannot understand why he does not get to unwrap the present. Mind you I can remember finding pass the parcel a bit stressful as a small child. The element of will it be me or not was not entirely 'fun' but maybe I was a neurotic child !

Anyway no answers for you but wanted to say you are not alone. I tried a number of strategies...fed DS pasta before we went to aviod a sugar dump on an empty tummy, went in comfortable clothing so wrestling him up from the floor was not restricted, talked to him about the party (and bouncy castle !) and showed him pictures in advance. He just clung to me and shouted home home home over and over again.

You havn't let yourself down, i hate it when dd2 has a meltdown, it upsets me so much when i can't do anything to stop her screeming, we get upset because with love our dd's so much and we hate seeing the destressed (and its hard when our children stand out from the others). I have cracked a few times outside school (i have cried to the head and the TA and cried when dd2 refussed to go in to school). Its hard to keep a brave face all the time, i'm sure parents of nt children crumble too.

Were hit and miss with parties but lately more of a miss. DD is 5 (ASD) at soft play she stays in the toddler bit for most of it, numbers/letters, always plays alone and hates the birthday singing. Last time she started screaming 'I dontwantit' on the way in (new playcentre, shes better in her usual playcentre). We take her ear defenders, nintendo ds and leave early if she is not enjoying it.

We tried parties at home but she gets stressed at people touching her things or looking at her presents, kicks people out after half an hour. The only party she loved was a swimming party, private hired the small pool with a few close friends and their dcs. She didnt need to interract much but enjoyed people being there, plus she got 1:1 adult attention. We did a small snack food party on the viewing balcony after. :) She still draws pictures of her and ds in the pool now :)

Dont be embarassed, im sure the coffee morning will be great. :) We had a few people staring but later they just asked about dd in a nice way...curious and interested.

Please don't feel embarassed, we've all been there! I've been to lots of parties where many different kids have had upsets, sn and nt. I remember several children being petrified of balloons - the thought that one MIGHT pop and go bang was enough to send one poor little girl home. Like Toppy said, I remember the pass the parcel nightmares - DS2 saying loudly each time "IT'S NOT FAIR, WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN TO OPEN IT??"

I agree Toppy, I think when DD2 was unable to walk and she had a frame it was easier, she had an obvious disability (lots hidden too), but now she's walking around like everyone else and she now has an invisible disability I find it harder. Odd as I'm over the moon she is now able to walk unaided but harder on other levels.

She sounds like your DS "bit out of control and spoilt".

I'm glad it's not just me, as soon as I started this thread I regretted it as half an hour later I had calmed down. Should never do it in the heat of the moment, but now I'm glad.

I feel much better!!! Thank you.

Oops cross posted.

Thanks for your support superfantastic and Lifeintheslowlane.

You've reminded me now of a party she went to the summer where some balloons were popping and whereas DD2 thought it was hilarious, a few of the NT kids were kicking off. I was surprised as I thought she'd hate it. This is what I find hard, not knowing if she'll cope or not.

Pool party sounds good, theres not too much pressure to 'play' !!

I am feeling much better about it, also we're are out tonight (first time in ages) so decided DH is driving as I fancy hitting the bottle!! I'm going to wash it all away

Just read my post back, when I say "She sounds like your DS, bit out of control and spoilt" I mean in the other parents eyes, not actually!

Sorry

we just skipped the parties, (had strategic 'other things on' if we thought people wouldnt understand.) only went to ones that would understand. I think perhaps that makes me a bit of a wuss..., but life was so tough at the time I just thought I'm not piling extra trouble on myself.

DS had pool party last birthday and all loved it SN and NT kids. We have gone to a couple of (very relaxed) parties recently and he has done ok, I think it is best to play it by ear,

(and don't beat self up... sounds like you are doing great job, tears don't mean you are failing they just mean you are human.

Just home from a party where DD whined and cried the whole time because she was hungry/overwhelmed..not fun

Thank you both of you. I'm in the mindset where I'm so extremely grateful for DD2 to be included in a party it's a yes regardless of whether we are free or not, I make us free!!

Maybe 4th party in, I might pick and choose a bit more, stick to parties where I know the host, or they know DD2.

If it wasn't for those whistles she would have been ok.

I'm home from an evening out and 3 glasses of wine later, I'm a bit numb to it (I'm a bit of a lightweight )

Thank you all
x

ive always felt like a terrible mum that as hes got to middle school and because of DS actions/reactions at parties (he gets to over excited or upset and someone often himself gets hurt) that he now doesnt get invited to parties at all and ive stopped trying to have them for DS other mums just dont want the hassle and the last time i had a party for DS out of 30 probably 5 turned up so now i just arrange one friend and his brother and sister to go with him (i just watch lol) do something like tubbing or sledging at the snowzone he has lots of fun isnt stressed out and has a great day to remember but i still feel pangs of guilt he doesnt get the "party" he deserves

DS never had them he wasn't at mainstream so never got invites,he went to one family one at 4 and lasted 5 minutes before I could see him starting to fall apart so I left DD2 aged 3 with SIL and took him home. Unfortunately DD2 hasn't had many invites over the years either as she was 'guilty by association'.She only one friend in primary that invited her she had one party at 8 and only half a dozen from school came the rest where friends children and neighbours children who she'd grown up with.

Bettyboop, that is what I fear for DD2. I'm arranging her party for this June and think I could scrape together 18 or so invites, but what if only a handful turn up. What a waste of money. The thing is she does actually like parties, and talks about them, you just can't predict what noises there will be to kick her off.

Very for your DD2 Borderlass, that's so unfair!

Dreading tomorrow, I'm so tempted to do a sicky even though I've organised it.

I'm afraid it was a no no for us (son has Aspergers). Sadly I gave up in the end!

thats what i did gave up omg that makes me sound so bad and feel bad but in the end it was making DS feel sad as so few came im angry at myself now for worrying about what people will think and say aggghhh DS liked parties when he was very little its as he got bigger 6/7 that he started wanting to withdraw and would just rather stay home hes kind of segregating himself from all these situations now as he knows he will be upset , isnt that dreadful and hes constantly upset that people are mean to him and say nasty things he knows hes different and hates it bless him

i gave up on parties, for dd birthday we doing a family and close friends tea

we do play a great game of pass the parcel with a twist...

everyone sitting in the circle starts with a parcel -takes hours to wrap them all- and they pass them on all at the same time, much laughter and everyone gets to unwrap at the same time

I think that's probably where we're heading. I'm grateful for the invites but maybe it's safer to stay away.

I just feel so sad for DD2 as she really does love going to parties, she just can't cope with certain noises, unfortunately this was a bad one.

I saw the mums today at pre-school and everyone is carrying on as if nothing has happened. Quite glad really!

I like your pass the parcel idea ezzie21, could sort out a lot of disappointment.

just dont drink too much wine during the wrapping of the many parcels, each must have the same amount of layers