How do you distinguish between toddler behaviour and ASD behaviour?

[vixen1]

Hi all,

For a while now one thing has been tormenting me... what will my DS be like when he grows up? I know all parents have this concern but this is so much more.

I have no idea whether he will become a fully functioning, independent adult or whether he might be "obviously" disabled and need constant care.

He has a formal Autism assessment next month for which our Specialist said he expects to find traits. The thing about my DS is that he has some VERY obvious traits in some areas and none in others. This is good news because it seems that the condition is affecting him midly and I'm hopeful about his future prospects.

Having said that, he displays behaviours that I really worry about. Quite often I know he's physically capable of behaving a certain way but he seems to choose otherwise.

Recently he's taken to "baby language". I know that he's just messing when he does it because you can see the glint in his eye and he's in a playful mood. However he does it frequently and doesn't usually stop when we tell him to speak like a big boy. He's perfectly capable of very good speech. I KNOW that everyone I speak to will say that this is just what three year olds do but I've never seen another three year old do it, certainly not with the same frequency.

Another example is eating with his fingers. He's perfectly capable of eating with a fork but seem to find it too much bother and will always revert to using his fingers.

I know these things sound trivial but sometimes I look at him and feel my eyes welling up - what if he's still talking like a baby (walking round saying "da-da, uhuhuh"), eating with his fingers and flapping when he's an adult or even a teenager?

To be honest, if I KNEW this was going to be the case then I could get my head around it and plan our lives accordingly but not knowing is killing me.

Does this sound like typical toddler behaviour to you? Is there any way of guessing which things he'll grow out of and which he'll not?

I wish I had a crystal ball

I think we all wish for a crystal ball - but actually not sure it would be the best thing. I am trying to keep myself focussed on the year ahead - ds (3.9 asd) starting school, doing his ABA, and looking at the huge developments he has made and being proud of them.

It's so hard to classify where someone is on the spectrum I think. I am coming to realise, is that children with autism have truly spiky development - can be really high-functioning in some ways but then have maybe a couple of features that you might associate with more severe asd. Eg like yours, my ds is pretty high-functioning in lots of areas (some great language and imagination for example) and in some ways almost nt, but also has some obsessive behaviours which at the moment dominate life to some extent - eg toilet training atm (specifically poo!).

Anyway back to your op. My ds also does the playing around with words, not quite the same as the baby language you describe, but changing words around. It is totally for effect, and he often does it to distract from something he's being asked to do - cheeky behaviour really.

We're doing ABA with ds, and a basic principle of this is to ignore inappropriate behaviours and reward good ones. So, eg if you totally ignore your ds's babytalk he will eventually desist in doing it. The longer you respond to it (even negative responses like asking him to stop) the more he sees the effect it has so will continue it. If you just ask him to stop and he doesn't, it's because the words 'stop' don't mean anything. But if you ignore him when he's talking in this way he'll twig that he won't get attention, or whatever it is he wants, but will get it if he talks properly.

Try not to think about what his adult life will be like. All any of us can do is provide every possible bit of help. I do believe that of course you can't cure autism, and an autistic child will be an autistic adult, but I genuinely think that there is much you can do in the early years to try and get the best outcome as possible, for language and behaviour.

Have you looked at any form of intervention or therapy, eg aba, floortime etc? Is he receiving any help atm with salt or anything?

The best thing I've had said to me was that ASD is a developmental delay. The things your ds does now will most likely not be the things he is doing in 6 months, 12 months, 6 years etc and I'm often reassured by parents of older children with ASD that their dc's did indeed grow, develop and mature.

I can't tell you he won't still be doing some of these things when he's older. Yes, he might retain some of his current quirks, he might develop some interesting new ones, but he will develop and change just like any other child.

I think we all have the same worries to a greater or lesser extent, about our children's futures, but I've come to the conclusion that worrying about it is just wasting energy that I could be putting into helping him move forward, learn and develop.

I do understand where you're coming from, but even if your ds was NT, you couldn't possibly know what the future holds for him. There would be a whole host of other worries and questions.

My ds has problems using a knife and fork, but I was surprised when he started school that his table manners were far better than many, if not most, of his peers. Perhaps because we spent more time and effort teaching him, while for other parents it wasn't an issue.

He's now nearly 9 and his table manners have unfortunately deteriorated through sitting with the other children in the dining hall at school!

As for the whole 'is it his age or is it ASD' question, that's something a lot of us wrestle with and I don't think it gets any easier as they get older. Ds is my first born and I had very little experience of little boys prior to having my own, so I'm never sure what's what on that score. I have found it useful to cultivate a couple of acquaintences amongst the mums in ds's class, often it comes out in conversation that their lads are doing similar things to mine and that sets my mind at rest.

Your worries aren't trivial, they're perfectly understandable, but all we can do is throw our energies into helping them to learn the skills they need to navigate this life and getting them the right support from professionals who can help with specific problems. Just like any Mum, we can only do our best.

A life lived well, but different from the norm, is far better imho, than one that conforms to convention but is lacking in warmth and soul. I would far rather my ds grew up to be happy with his life than he learned how to fit in to make life easier. I can't plan his future, anymore than I can predict it. I will of course do everything in my power to help him be who he wants to be, but ultimately he has to tread his own path and I have to trust him and be there to lend a hand as and when he wants or needs me to.

that was so eloquent and susinct moosemama im new to MN but thats so well explained it says it all really all our hopes and dreams for as bright a future as possible

Hi I am having this a little at the minute.

DS is 3.4 with speech dyspraxia. Currently under SALT ont to one and hoping to attend a speech unit in Septmeber.

He is also under a paed who does not think it is dyspraxia but does not think he is ASD (but he wasn't "oh it def is NOT ASD" iyswim) He is a lovely paed, really nice but we are back there on Tuesday and whilst I don't want to find things in DS that aren't there - I don't wnat to under do him at the appt either - it is very very difficult.

He is loving, caring, a good boy, but also quite high maintenance, has some very set ideas, hardly eats and very fussy about food and so on and so on. He knows things that I have no idea how he knows. You show him something once and he can do it, that's it (apart from his speech!)

But again - this has always been my thing, how do you know what is just a toddler and what is a bit more. My DS does not yet attend nursery so have not seen him be left for long periods with peers so how he would react to others without me there and for longer periods remains to be seen - maybe it will make or break him! I did have a grandparent at toddler group comment on his very set ideas about some things.

DH is a Teacher and I worked in education too and many times I have found us looking at each other when he has done certain things!

He also has some sensory issues, clothes in certain places (though happy to wear clothes no problem), teeth cleaning is STRESSFUL as you would think I was sticking pins into his gums and hair washing the same - though this has improved a little recently - though I might add the hair washing happens rarely and he is warned in advance. Food is a nightmare, but he is fit as a butchers dog so to speak - but he cannot abide certain things in his mouth - you may as well have poured poison in and he seems to not even know what to do with his mouth or how to remove it......then you have this bright happy 3 year old that butter wouldn't melt..................sigh. So sorry, you have my sympathies!