Assessed by the seco - don't know what to think

[cobbledtogether]

This is quite hard to write.

Basically my DS started school in September and all seemed to be going well, but I had a meeting with the school last week and they want to have him assessed by the SENCO as they have concerns about his behaviour.

Its not that he's badly behaved. More that his behaviour us 'unusual'. To be honest a lot of the things they have picked up on, I didn't even realise were strange. I just thought they were normal child things. Then again as I've had to work full time, I've not mixed that much with people who have children of the same age, so I really don't know what is normal or not. (just to be clear that he has always mixed with other children as he went to nursery 2 days a week from when he was 2.

The worst thing is I don't even know what they are assessing him for.

When I put it down in writing I get a bit upset about it as they are right it does sound a bit strange and then I feel guilty for not having noticed before. The things they are saying are...

He make strange noises a lot of the time. He makes noises when he eats. Noises when he's upset and noises when he runs up and down. He apparently makes noises during any group work as well and doesn't like engaging in group work. I thought kids just made noises. Apparently this isn't normal :(

He falls apart if you change his routine. If he knows what he is doing, he is OK, but if you change the routine he gets really cross and plays up. If he is working on something and you tell him or ask him to stop, he gets really cross and upset.

He's a perfectionist. If he spills on himself or spills his dinner, he gets really upset. for example if he has something on his spoon and spills, he howls out. He calms down again, but still is upset.

He doesn't really engage with the other children. I noticed it when I went into class. There were three tables full of children and my DS was alone in the modelling corner. He's not made any friends :(

I don't really know why I am writing all of this other than to say I am worried about him. I've just accepted how he is as being how he is and having school saying that they are concerned enough to have him assessed is a real bolt out of the blue. [guilty mother emoticon for not even realising there was a problem].

Firstly the SENCO doesn't actually assess for a specific condition, rather screens to see what the issues are and monitors the situation. He/she will determine whether it requires any external intervention (via GP or to a specialist via the school) or if it can be handled internally with specific targets, methods and evaluation (known as using an IEP) ie small group work, having a visual timetable,participating messy play. He would then be on School Action Plus in the first instance or School Action in the second.

tbh the behaviour you describe has a lot in common with social communciation, sensory and autistic type disorders but these vary hugely in scope and effect, and you are along way yet from having him diagnosed, if indeed it is ever appropriate to do so. Bear in mind early assessment and intervention is usually a positive thing and be grateful that the school are taking such a proactive stance. Good luck.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I think I'll just have to wait and see what the SENCO thinks. All I want, really, is for him to be happy in school.

cobbledtogether,

I'm sure many of us recognise how you're feeling at this point. It's always a huge shock to realise or be told that something about your child might just be 'different'.

The important thing at this point is to realise that the SENCO is only doing exactly what he/she is there to do. You should be happy that they have noticed something which might require further investigation.

It could be nothing, but if your son does have any needs, it's always preferable to discover just what they are at the earliest opportunity.

Thanks JK.

Some of how we are feeling is about "how did we miss that?" but I suppose we've just adjusted how we are at home without thinking about it. We've been a lot more self aware since that meeting and have noticed that we do always give him warning of what we're about to do and have just got used to the hysterics at the table.

I am grateful that he's at a school where they've picked up on it and want to see what they can do to help, but it doesn't stop me wishing there wasn't any problem to pick up on. I had visions of him going to school and having a great time as he's quite a bright lad. I didn't envisage him sitting in a corner by himself for most of the day.

Who knows. I'm just waiting to hear back from the school now.

Thanks for your help, folks. It really is appreciated.

I know how you feel. My dd's teacher raised concerns about her behaviour and development and she is actually being assessed today. I live abroad and there is no system like in the UK where schools help you get an assessment. On the one hand I hope they find something as it will explain her behaviour, on the other I am dreading it.
Best of luck to you and your ds.

Well I've had a letter from the school for over a week now asking me to make an appointment and go in and see the SENCO and talk to her about a plan she's written that I have to sign off. I've been too chicken to go.

DH is really stressing out about it as he thinks DS's behaviour is getting worse. I don't think it is, I think its just that he's noticing what the school pointed out whereas before we just took it in our stride. I also think that his stressing about it doesn't help, but you try and tell him that.

We've also fallen into the trap (I think) of wondering what it is that we've done that has lead him to behave differently to the other children as almost everything you see is about how a child's behaviour is down to how they are brought up.

To be honest I'm more worries that DS isn't happy in school than anything else.

I am probably waffling, but I am a lot more upset than I am letting on to anyone anywhere else. I am also rational to know that there are a million things that could be worse in terms of what is happening, but it really doesn't help when I am currently alternating between guilt and worry whenever I think about it.

cobbledtogether,

Try to view your current situation as potentially a great opportunity.

It's an opportunity to have a professional give a diagnosis; it's an opportunity to request a statement; it's an opportunity to secure all the support your son might need to ensure he progresses along with his peers.

Perhaps most importantly of all: it's an opportunity to secure a place at a leading primary school, as a statemented child is LEA priority number one when it comes to choice of school.

I had the meeting with the SENCO and class teachers today and they are referring him to the ed psych for assessment.

Their main concerns are him not interacting with his peers, inappropriate sounds and noises throughout the day, particularly when you try to get him doing group work and his anxiety when you change the routine during the day or ask him to stop doing something without warning.

They did say some good things as well in that he's bright and imaginative, but that he doesn't seem to be processing information in the same way as the other children, so they want the Ed Psych to come and do some tests with him - they said these are not intelligence tests, but more "how a child thinks / reacts tests".

I don't know if anyone has any understanding of the kinds of tests they may be doing that could enlighten me as I'd like to understand better what they will be doing with him.

Thanks for all of your support so far.

Sorry to be blunt, but I really think you need to go to the GP and ask for a referral to a paed.

School are trying to tell you they think he could have something like ASD. A paed diagnoses that, not an EP.

The EP will observe him, in class and maybe in the playground, and then she will just talk to him. Not sure of any 'tests' she will do....

The school are not going to come out and tell you what they think, because they are not qualified to diagnose. And in fact the EP probably will still dish you up suitably generic terms. So you need either ask them directly - or keep coming back here :)

But try and get him seen by a pead, listing all the concerns you have told us about.

Sorry if this is a daft question, but what would I say to the GP to get a referral? Is it just that school have some concerns about his behaviour and I'd like him to see a paed? Might they just say no?

(probably will get many questions like this as it totally new for me)

You would say all the concerns you have listed here, and ask for a paed to assess him for possible ASD.

Don't take your son to the appt, so that you can speak freely. The GP won't turn down the referral.

Thanks for your help Indigo. I've made an appointment at my GP for next week and will start putting things into motion. I asked the school about the EdPsych referral and they said it could be weeks by the time she has seen him and written her report as there is only one in our area at the moment. I guess if I want to find out what is going on, its down to me.

If no one minds I'm just going to take a moment to put down in writing some of the stuff that is making me alternatively and about what is happening at the moment.

NB: This is a blatant rant. Apologies, but have nowhere else.

First off why does it have to be my role to reassure every other bugger that DS will be OK when I don't know myself what the outcome will be?

My DH is alternating between the "I wouldn't be surprised if it was ASD as he's always been hard work and has always done x, y and z". Well if you were so fucking certain why the hell didn't you say something or do something about it before now eh? Then within hours he's flipped back to his usual stance of "We shouldn't need to pander to him to get him to do stuff, he should just do it. You let him get away with too much."

Hello? 5 mins ago you were telling me that you've always suspected there was a problem and now you are telling me its because I am too lenient???

So over the weekend he ends up sending DS into a screaming tantrum as he didn't let him follow his night-time routine as "He shouldn't need to do it" and the next night, he's following it to the letter. Where's the consistency?

Next I have my parents who firmly believe that there isn't any problem, that the school are overreacting, that its his age and, of course, my poor parenting. Well you both can get stuffed and go and sit with my DH while you shake your head at how crap I am why don't you and I'll keep on reassuring you all that all is well and I'll keep on going to the meetings at school and I'll make the appointment at the GP by myself as obviously a little support for me would be too fucking much to ask even though I'm also dealing with the fact that my child has behaviour problems that have "worried" the school and his teachers.

Oh and then there is the guilt. Well thank you fucking life for the guilt. Guilt that now school has pointed it out that its not normal for a child to run around flapping his hands about making groaning and grunting noises, I actually realise that its not and have therefore done my child a disservice by not trying to sort things out earlier.

Oh and then realising that without realising it we have fucking routines for everything and I've just so got into the habit of following them and avoiding situations where he will misbehave as he can't deal with them and the screaming and anger and the hitting himself when he can't hope and how the hell did I not notice it??? Although of course DH has noticed it, but because I was insisting it was just his age its my fucking fault that he didn't push for it to be looked into earlier.

And then the anger. Well that is mostly directed at myself, branching out into my family and then having to sit on my hands not to reply to posters who want to know where in the class their DC is as if there's a problem they want to know about it. Having to stop myself from screaming, "Oh if there was a problem they would bloody well let you know, so just shut up and be grateful that your child is so fucking normal that they don't feel the need to say anything at all to you."

And when the anger goes, I can't stop crying and then I get angry again and yet somehow I need to carry on as before, coming into work, attending meetings, earning money, when what I actually want to do is take my DS and run away to an island somewhere where he can be different to his hearts content and where I don't need to deal with it.

All I want is for my child to be happy, to fit in, to have friends and to do OK at school. I am not going to get it am I?

I know there are so many who have much worse problems in their lives than this, so apologies for this massive self pitying rant, but better get it out here than go and punch the "friend" who I confided in for support who said, "well he has always been a bit strange." and then went on to tell me how well her DD was doing.

Cobbledtogether, it sounds to me like you have been doing an absolutely brilliant job of creating an environment at home where your son feels secure and able to be himself.

School now need to go through the process of learning what they can do to help him feel comfortable at school.

An ed psych will be able to support the school and you in helping your son 'fit in' at school. They won't focus on a diagnosis but look at what the issues are and how to help support your son. Diagnosis, if appropriate, is the realm of the medical profession so definitely go and see your GP about a referral to a paed.

Just to point out - school action comes first and indicates that the school have taken action that is above and beyond the regular curriculum to support a child. The details of this support should be written on an individual education plan (IEP) and discussed with you. School action plus means that the school feel they need advice from an outside agency (school plus other) and again, school should discuss this with you first.

Remember that you are an expert on your son and what works for you at home will be useful information for others so keep talking to them.

Thanks Mully for taking the time to reply, its all just a bit raw at the moment so I just go off on one. All I have seen from the school was the form they had done to request help from the Ed Psych. That covered their concerns, observations and what they have tried with him and how he had reacted. I had to sign that to say I agreed with what they had written and that I was happy (ha!) with him being assessed.

I don't know if any of that counts as school action or action plus. I may go in and ask them.

The stuff that they have done counts as 'school action'. Once the Ed psych or another external agency (e.g. speech and language therapist) has been involved he will become 'school action plus'.

Hopefully the EP will be able to offer support to school so they feel more confident about what to do to help your son. I guess everything is just up in the air at the moment.... hopefully things will settle down again when school have an IEP in place that seems to be working. Like you said - the important thing is that your son is happy at school - and I'm sure he knows what makes him happy. If that turns out to be playing on his own, so be it!

dont worry about the rant i think weve all asked ourselves the same questions before and been through the angry sad blame stages ect and we here on MN DO know how you feel because weve been there so come back anytime and rant away and have a glass of wine tonight once DS is in bed and relax you deserve it , best of luck