Aspergers :(

[MotherJack]

I know in the whole scheme of things it is nothing. After having told me he is not going to another party, ever, DS (6.1) was happy to go to a 5-a-side football birthday "thing" today. He had a few episodes of anger, which I expected and were diffused quickly, but afterwards when they were playing together he got "attacked" for not wanting to join their "team" (in the non-football game that they were playing). He ended up getting a stone thrown at him which has left a significant mark on his body.

I know it's bothering him as he wouldn't settle tonight until I went up again and rubbed his head and started to talk to him about it again... and he said "will you tell me again about...[it]" which is my clue that it's playing on his mind.

This is just a pre-cursor, isn't it? I feel like I want to cry. Has anyone got some words for me?

This isn't about aspergers, this is about bullying little shitheads.

They are all his friends though, coldtits. He can usually deal with them all on an individual basis. They class him as a friend still (I think). It's going to change though, isn't it?

no, not necessarily, although his friendship groups will naturally shift.

ds1 descrbes playtime as "Sometimes i run around and sometimes I play with someone"

he's nearly eight, and he's a lot less bothered than I would be about being left out/

I don't think my DS is necessarily bothered about being left out - far less than I would be and certainly on his behalf. I'd never show him that though, obviously.

I do know friendship groups shift naturally. I'm just hurting for him, aren't I?

um, it's not ok to throw stones at your friends - that's not his problem, it's theirs

I don't think he'll automatically lose all his friends as he gets older, some people with Asperger's are pretty popular - it depends on the child, the environment and the friends really, same as with any other child

My son did go through a really long period of time of being excluded - but, at 6 we didn't know he had Asperger's and he didn't know for a good many years afterwards (took a long time to get diagnosed) When we did finally tell him and his classmates could be told, it definitely made a difference and from friends - knowing about Asperger's from an early age definitely makes it easier

That wasn't nice at all,I would be so upset if anyone through a stone at any of my children and the fact it's upset your son will obviously make you feel worse.
The good thing about kids with aspergers is they often don't understand that they done that because they were not happy with him,and they don't hold a grudge.so hopefully today he will go back to play with them as if nothing happend.my son with autism couldn't care any less if he has a friend or not his just not interested in anyone!! My nefew however with aspergers has friends but when they do things like hide or run from him as they don't want to play with him no more he still looks for them and brings out toys for them to play with,even though they wont play with him and are totally ignoring him,Bad thing is it's painful for us parents,good thing is they don't understand the depth of what someone is doing to them! But hey this is apergers and this is The battle you may always have,Grow tough skin you have to!!

, he sounds like my dd1, she runs around at break time, sometimes on her own, sometimes with friends (if they will let her play), other children seem to pick up on our children being different and they see it as an exscuse to treat them badly (they learn how to push their buttons). The child that chucked the stone at your ds was in the wrong (make sure you keep telling your ds this), it was not his fault.

Who was running this party? Are they aware that there was stone throwing and injury, and are they in any position to talk to the children who did this and explain how it is absolutely unacceptable?

MotherJack, do you mean you're worried it's a precursor to problems when he's older? Try not to worry - in my experience, things do change with time. My 13-yr-old DS has Asperger's and although his social interaction is quite limited compared to a lot of children his age - he hates crowds and noise, and won't play team sport - he's now got some really lovely friends, just when I was beginning to worry that he'd always be a loner. (When he was 6, his teacher told me that she'd run out of children to pair him with and no one wanted to sit next to him ) . I think Asperger's boys make great friends actually - my DS is very loyal, with a strong sense of right and wrong. Now he's in his teens, there seems to be less of a herd mentality amongst the other boys: they appreciate his good qualities more and are intrigued by his points of difference rather than put off by them.

Totally agree with the above comments about stone throwing. Wasn't ANYONE supervising them? I'd have a word with the party giver if I were you. Some one needs to tell the child who did it how dangerous it is.

Thanks, everyone. The parents of the children involved dealt with it very well. Kids of that age don't really understand consequence - I do know that, but I think it got to me last night as I understood it as a precursor of things to come (so yes, Cinnamon). It's all a big steep learning curve for me - DS has another, far worse condition, too and I'm still having to come to terms with both conditions and all of their sidekicks. With all of the stuff that he has to deal with, I just wanted him to have a friend.

No-one was supervising them, but we were all "there". They had just run outside to play together after the football had ended.

Yes, I am just going to have to grow another skin I think, Flappinnotflyin. Thanks everyone, and thanks Cinnamon... everything is uncertain ground to me and has been for just over a year, but it really is appreciated to have a positive viewpoint of his potential future.

I agree that it's not about AS really: it's about kids who an only fiigt using weaponry.

DS1 had a similar occurence: some ol;der kids we had known for years cornered him and stoned him, eventually he hit back. He gave te girl a black eye. We were banned from the group, not the girls.

It doesn't have to be a precursor but it's true that our kids are more vulnerable. I found a lot of help through kidsscape and used some of their anti bullying strategies 9that was after ds1 came home freom school with shoe marks on him- many years ago now). maybe you could try that?

I don;t know what your son is like personality wise but ds1 has fund his scuccess so far through formal means: chair of school council, vice captain of house.. he can do that sort of situation (albeit with his TA in tow). I think that works for quite a few kids on the high functioning end of the spectrum?

This is sad.

Don't be too downhearted though, because you cannot possibly know what lies ahead. None of us do.

My son was dx autistic at age 4. He is now ten and in mainstream with help. He is clever....high functioning autism (more Aspie really) but, the social thing is SO hard.

These kids can be vulnerable. They have to be observed. It's hard.

Oh and those kids throwing stones? Probably not fully formed bullies yet but, not "friends" either.

Do they all go to the same school? I'd have a word with the teacher or senco. Get them to reinforce the anti-bullying thing whilst it's fresh in their minds.

Thanks ladies. The whole thread wasn't really about the stone throwing. It's about my acceptance of everything that has happened in the last year to DS. Generally I'm ok, but sometimes things really get to me.

I'll have a look at kidscape, Peachy. Thanks.

I do see him as vulnerable, your're right Peachy and Wendi - and indeed he is.

You lot with older ones (and thicker skins!) must see this rite of passage on these boards frequently.

You can grow that skin as thick as you like there, MotherJack. It's always going to hurt.

I'm not sure it's so much a right of passage as a realisation/acceptance that our kids really are different. They struggle terribly with the stuff we, and other kids do every minute of every day, without giving it a second thought.

I feel for you, I really do. Chine up though. x

That would be "chin up"!

I posted today on a thread on Special Needs entitled - "Other people's horrid children". It's a true story! About the little girl, and the park. It hurt me to do it, but I don't regret it. SHE was horrid!!

I, my son, you possibly and yours, all have to get used to people like this.

MotherJack, I know what you mean about a steep learning curve. I'd vaguely heard of Asperger's when DS was diagnosed but had no understanding of it at all. And it's not as if everyone with Asperger's has it in the same way - you have to get to know your child and how it affects him. I used to feel totally lost talking to SENCOs, fighting for a Statement for him (which he's now got), as I didn't even understand the language of special needs, or have any clue what was within the school and the LA's power to offer by way of support. I only now feel I've got a grasp of what he needs, and when I look back at how I reacted to some of his earlier behaviours (forcing him to join in tag rugby wasn't my finest hour), I could weep.
As he gets older he does seem less vulnerable - not caring what other people think is a great defence against bullies, as they tend to pick on people they know will be upset. When he went to secondary school I arranged some self-defence lessons for him - not martial arts type stuff, just common sense tips on body language and being assertive - which really helped.
Lots of Aspergery qualities aren't great in childhood but are brilliant in later life. If friendships are an issue for your DS, there's a book called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship, which I found really helpful (though DS hated it - couldn't get past the fact that it was called The Unwritten Rules but they were written down in the book!).

Nice cinnamon.....Unwritten Rules....my son would say the same!!