1 step forward............4 steps back!! Very disappointed.

[Alittleloopy]

Hi everyone. It's me again with yet another rant.

DD(possibly ASD) has had a couple of weeks in her foundation class and actually seemed to be doing better than thought. First day was a bit rough, but most kids probably struggled a bit on the first day to be fair. Although probably for different reasons.

She'd had quite a bad day last week and I was pulled to one side , to be told that she'd had several tantrums and dd just saw me and decided to throw herself on the floor and have another one. Great!! Anyway, I was given a book to log her behaviour at home as well as at school. Since then though, we've had no complaints and everything that was written in her diary was positive. I noticed a few blank pages and I just though, "oh, she must just be doing fine, so nothing needed logging". Then on friday I looked in her book again and several pages from that week had been filled in(too late in my opinion). Lots of tantrums again and refusing to finish activites etc. It sounds as though she's not really making any friends either as a lot that was written suggested that she was irratating the other children a lot of the time. Story time seemed to be the worse.

I understand that this isn't anything unusual and you've probably read something similar a hundred times before, but I just feel completely drained and back to square one again. :(

I also feel angry that this was logged several days late so I had been praising her for bad behaviour, which I didn't know about. Also, it's breaking my heart when I ask her who she's been playing with and she just says "nobody!! nobody wants me". :(

I know they can't force friendships at school, but I feel they could be doing more to make sure she's not being excluded

Just don't know how many times I can take the ups and downs. I know many of you have much more than this to cope with so maybe i'm just weak.

What's the best way of handeling this?

And thanks for reading

Ok, lots of things going on here. These are my personal opinions and not everyone will agree with me :)

First of all, I keep school and home behaviour totally sepearte. It is up to school to manager her at school, to stop things esculating into bad behaviour - and to discipline her if they fail to do so.

Home should be as far as possible a 'school free zone'. You certainly shouldn't be going over and over her behaviour at school and either praising her or punishing her for it - because you will never know the full story, and you have no control over her behaviour there.

You concentrate on parenting her at home, and let school concentrate on teaching her at school.

As for friends, first of all don't worry if she has no friends. Loads of people (especially 4 year olds) have no friends and are perfectly happy. While at the same time trying to make friends with Mums of other kids in her class, so you can invite them back to play etc.

The only good news is that the worse behaved she is - the more likely she is to get help at school :)

Agree with indigo. All v well them logging tantrums but they shld be looking at working out her triggers and how to support her transition into school, are they doing anything helpful?

Thanks for the replies.

I think they thought that this log book would be step 1 and we'd just take it from there. The reason they want me to write down her behaviour at home is incase she has an unusally bad day at school, so they can look at the book and see blah blah blah happened, which could potentially be a trigger. I'm assuming that's why anyway. Having said all that, I have yet to write anything in the book because I haven't felt it was relavent.

It's a good school overall though and they have visual timetables and such like, which I know helps children like my dd.

I don't punish her at home if she's been bad at school. However, she will normally get a small treat at some point in the day(mini choc bar etc) and if she's been really bad then i'll explain that she hasn't been good enough. She definitely can remember and she does understand that her behaviour is wrong. She will usually confess anyway.

I assumed that this home/school diary was a common thing for kids with these kind of issues. I might be wrong.

A home / school diary is common - and so is having all sorts of problems with it.

School is not perfect for any kid, and obviously doubly so for a kid with ASD. So my biggest advice at surviving the school years is - pick your battles. You can not get every little thing right. So make sure you are fighting the really important stuff - and ignoring anything you can ignore.

Home/school books always take a bit of running in on both sides, ime. Perfectly fair to ask them nicely why it's being filled in retrospectively. Maybe the person doing it only gets time at the end of the week - but it's easier for everyone if they do it as they go. I'm sure they read back through their own comments to remind them what's been going on earlier in the week.

Re: friendships - difficult, my NT DD (just 5) can't tell me who she has played with, usually she says "everyone!" but that's not because she's played with everyone, it's to shut me up. They just don't report that sort of thing accurately at this age so again maybe a quiet word asking school to observe for a week or so and see how her interactions with the other kids are going. Maybe she has more friends than she realises. Maybe it's a tricky group and other kids are having similar issues which will shake down in time. Maybe school will spot an obvious problem and voluntarily come up with a solution. Always easier to start with: "what do you think is happening with x?" than with "you should be doing y, and you're not!". Of course, you may have to escalate to "you should be doing y, and you're not!" - but you can, as my DH would say, burn that bridge when you come to it.

It's definitely difficult to understand my dd sometimes, in the sense that I have no idea if she's telling truth or not(like you say). Some days it doesn't seem to bother her and she'll just happily say that nobody wanted to play with her and really not seem bothered atall. Other days she'll have her head down and say that nobody wants her or likes her. I know a couple of the older girls have sort of taken her under her wing at play times. One morning this girl comes running up to me and said me and so and so look after dd. Firstly I thought how sweet!!But then I noticed she seemed to be treating her a bit like her pet rather than really helping her. I do worry that she's quite easily led and I have seen children take advantage of the fact that she likes to please. I can't stand the thought of her thinking she's finally made a friend only to find out that they were just using her because she'll do what they ask her.

I think i'll definitely talk to the school at the end of the week. I thought I should give it a few weeks before I had that 'how's she doing?'conversation.

r3dh-can I ask, has your dd had a diagnosis?

"The only good news is that the worse behaved she is - the more likely she is to get help at school"

I doubt that very much - they will just label her then as "naughty" and "disruptive".
Many parents where I live unless they have done the legwork themselves have had to jump up and down and go through hoops to get the help their children need at school. Many schools too don't always see any additional needs their charges may have and its a particular problem with girls as they conform more and blend in.

Alittleloopy - I'd be having words with the SENCO asap to see if she has observed your DD at any length. Are school aware that your DD is possibly ASD?. (BTW school cannot make any diagnosis). Has she been assessed by someone like a developmental paediatrician to date?.

If your DD has seen any outside agencies to date she should be on School Action Plus - there should be a plan already in place and you should see that termly. Do they do social stories and or small group work to practice social/friendship skills?. I would also ensure that they meet you regularly (say once a fortnight) and that they keep that book updated daily. The home/school book is only as good as the people who write in it. Blank pages are no good to anyone.

It may be that in the medium term you will have to apply for a Statement. Its something to bear in mind now for your DD.

You are her best - and only - advocate here. Never forget that.

Hi. We have used home-school diaries-infact still are. They can be useful for 2-way communication. But, be weary of the school looking for whats happened at home affecting her behaviour at school. Obviously, sometimes this would be relevant, but not if the school look at home as the "problem" rather than support your dd better at school.
Your dd is having "tantrums" at school, because of anxiety and not understanding the rules. DC with ASD need verbal and sometimes visual prompting when an activity is finishing and a new one beginning-transition between activities can be very difficult.
If she is "annoying" other dc at story time, thenit is up to the teacher to be creative in managing that time. Perhaps your dd could stay at her table and draw while listening to the story. Maybe a TA could sit next to her on the floor to keep her focused.
Your dd may very well recognise her behaviour and remember it, but that is not to say, she is able to change it.
As someone previously said, do not punish her for what happens at school-that is for school to do She will be stressed enough coping on a daily basis.
I think, when you have the conversation with school, you need to listen to what they have to say, but be firm, that if your dd continues to have difficulties in class, you expect some extra support be put in place for her. Thats not to say, that school will do this staightaway,(as if!), but it will be good for them to see from the off, that you are not a parent that is going to be easily fobbed off.
Ask the school who is looking out for your dd at break and lunchtime. Yes, dc this age do not make friends straightaway, but your dd may find the social cues more difficult to understand. She shouldnt be alone. Most schools have friendship stops/benches, so a dc can find someone to play with.
This is only the start of her schooling, so try not to get too despondent. There will no doubt be other "bumps" along the way, so keep some energy for them!