Controlling behaviour.

[MarioandLuigi]

DS2 (ASD) is nearly 4 and has started to become very controlling with his behaviour. He wants people to sit where he wants them to sit (by people I mean me and DH) and if DS1 or DD want to sit down he gets very upset about it. He keeps repeating 'Why', and he excalates until he is crying and inconsolable (he also bits himself and pulls his hair). He has a speech delay so its very difficult to explain to him what he wants isnt always acceptable. Shouuld we ride out the tears in the hope he will learn he cant always be in control? Has anyone had any similar experience?

Yes. I've had to deal with this with both my two.

Every child is different so what works for some won't work for others. I can't tell you what will work for your child, I can only tell you how I dealt with it with mine.

Tough luck.

In a nutshell

I rode out the meltdowns. And my eldest in particular was VERY violent. But unacceptable is unacceptable. Not going to happen is not going to happen. Tough is tough...

Now they are very flexible. In comparison I mean

See, this is the world they live in and it won't turn itself on its head to accomodate them, has always been my view. The world out there doesn't give a crap about our kids need to have everything pointing the same way and to always go to the shop down the same road. So we either - wherever possible - teach them to cope in this world, or we accept that they will never be a functioning part of it.

But again, it depends on the child and their individual experience of autism.

Control brings order into a scary world for most young autistic children. Yes I agree autistic children need to learn how to live in "our" world but this needs to be done in a controlled careful and consistent way. Going "head to head" just creates panic and adrenaline rushes [fight or flight] response, which is why behaviours escalate out of control.
Its very hard to step away from confrontation but if you can you will learn what causes the behaviour and what the child gets out of it i.e the reward of everyone sitting or not sitting as the case may be.
Remember children with autism have a unique view of the world and "why" may not mean what you think.
Read the book by Donna Willams, a woman with autism, who explains how she learned to live in this disordered world he insightful writing really helped my understanding of the compexity of thinking and sensory overload peopel with autism face every moment of every day.

If you pander to the control thing you will end up being totally controlled by it.

Hecate's right - they won't be able to control the world out there so they have to learn to adapt - difficult as that may be.

Explain, reassure etc . I'm not sugesting an unqualified 'No'

Thanks ladies - you are right. I do need to break the cycle before it becomes a big problem. Also it makes DD and DS1 feel upset which is why it must stop.

The 'Why' thing comes from Peppa Pig (DS uses lots of echolalia) as thats what George says when Mummy Pig tells him to do something he doesnt want to do.

I think distraction will be the best thing. I spoke to the school yesterday who say he is very controlling there too. They are going to try and implement some strategies that will help his control without the meltdown.

Do you use any sort of visual timetable with him to help explain what will happen when during each day? Pictures showing e.g. "at 8.30 we go to the bus. By 9 we are at playgroup. By 11 we are on the bus to come home. At 12 we eat our lunch..." can help give us confidence in what will happen and when. If we're less stressed about that, it might help us feel less stressed about who sits where etc.

Might help, might not, but it's an idea...

We are trying a visual timetable. We have been using a now and then board for about 6 months and I think it has just finally clicked with him, so we are going to move on to now, then and later to see if that works too.

Your right Amber, sometimes it works, other times it actls like a warning and that sets him off too :)