Feel out of my depth

[asdx2]

Over the years I have felt that whatever the autism threw at me I had a plan or a strategy and if the first one didn't work I'd come up with an alternative. I'd look at it from a different angle or I'd readjust my expectations but I always knew where I was going or what needed doing in spite of a serious lack of professionals involved.

Today I feel lost and heartbroken and I don't know the way forward. Ds (15) brought home a letter today detailing how unhappy he is, how stressed he feels and how worried he is. He is scared that he is losing his abilities and he can see that dd (7) is more able than he is and that upsets him.

Ds's academic ability is the one thing that he feels he can do but he is struggling to understand lots of explanations and concepts at the minute. School wonder whether it's because of his stress and anxiety levels but I wonder whether ds has reached his limit because he is actually classed as having learning difficulties alongside the autism. He has exceeded all predictions but has he reached his limit?

Dd is more able than ds and it is increasingly obvious but how do I encourage dd whilst being mindful of ds's feelings? Dd needs lots of encouragement and praise else otherwise she reverts to being ultra passive and not doing or learning anything.She loves ds dearly but helps and makes allowances for him because the older ones do and she knows no different.

I don't know where to go from here. Ds is staying at home for the next couple of days to rest and chill out and hopefully write down what help he thinks would make him happier. Trouble is he doesn't recognise his feelings (school have put names to what he is feeling) and getting him to know or communicate what he needs is an uphill battle.

I never envisaged that 12 plus years down the line I wouldn't know what to do or how to make it better but I am stuck and I don't like it. Any ideas? Going to sleep (or not which is more likely) and tomorrow I'm going to look for help because I have to get this sorted for ds.

No advice, I'm sorry. But a listening ear available if needed

A friend's teenager did this, it was modified for UK teenagers with asd and / or adhd: why try course

( hugs)... And a cuppa.. That's the first thing!

I might be throwing daft or already tried ideas at you so feel free to ignore :)

Ds gets like this .. It comes over in waves.. When we think he's been okay for a bit, he'll go down hill again.. And we then have to take a break and look at all the things that he is really good at, look at the achievements he has made, lots of praise and CAMHS when we need them.

Dd also 7 has over taken ds in many ways and it's hard to praise her whilst not making ds feel bad because it's something he finds hard..
We end up praising all sorts of small things for him.. But he does still know the difference.

Getting the balance is really hard.

Do you have an emotions chart for him at home with his physical signs of different emotions and pictures and what to do about it?
We found it's helped ds a lot.

( feeble I know.. I ought to stick to offering a cuppa!)

I certainly know how you feel. DS2 overtaking DD has always been a problem for us - and has definately had a huge negative effect on her.

Again just brainstorming - but if he's 15 and she's only 7 can't you concentrate on different stuff with him rather than academic? What do you see him doing when he leaves school? Is there any career type stuff you can start to do with him? I don't know what I mean exactly but just that he can have way more grown up hobbies then she and you can just spend a lot of time encouraging him to do all the things he can do that she will never do (because he's 15 and a boy). I don't know - car magazines, building things, scouts - I have no idea what he's like. But stuff that a 15 year old boy can do and a 7 year old girl can't....

I really feel for you. I frequently feel like this. I have no idea how you've managed to get through the last 15 years without frequently feeling like this....

Would he be able to help her with homework, and her with his social skills ie role-playing??

Asdx

If he's not already seeing CAMHS it's time for him to do so. He needs to be able to talk through his emotions with a psychologist.

TBH a letter like this shows just how low his mood is and that is a very real danger sign that needs urgent action.

GP visit for a referral to CAMHS?

Ds sees that dd can interact easily with anybody, he sees that a change of routine she takes it in her stride,he sees that when we leave the house she copes with others coming near her birds flying, noises etc. He is obviously more academic than dd but he knows in terms of social skills and life skills he is far less able.
It's not something we have ever pointed out but it's glaringly obvious now.Ds and dd are very close, they get on really well, ds can make allowances for dd when he can't for anyone else but dd mothers him and helps him without being asked because he needs it and it's what she has seen her adult siblings do and she doesn't know any other way.
He has never seen CAMHS, I saw them once because school were concerned ds was depressed he wasn't. Trouble is ds doesn't speak even though he can so the talking therapies are usually a no go and he won't take medication even if his life depended on it.

I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are.

Do you think his school has focused on his academic needs and not spent enough time on his social and life skills?

DS was in a unit with ms lessons at one stage, but I found that he was still socially isolated and while the staff meant well, they didn't teach the type of life skills that DS would need in everyday life. There's no point learning advanced maths skills or scientific theories if he's not able to get up and get dressed, do his shopping etc.

I managed to get a waking day placement for him where he can learn life skills taught throughout the day. His social skills are much better now as he gets input all the time, at the unit staff would just give up when DS resisted, but now they can arrange things to make it easier for him so he's able to cope. He's still doing well academically but the focus is on the skills that he really needs. Would you be able to consider a placement like this?

DS also had CAMHS involvement, he would often refuse to speak but they used toys to interact with him. I don't know if that would work with a child your son's age, DS was still at primary school at the time. They have an art therapist at DS's sechool and that's something that seems to work with the teenagers there.

I'm reading your first post and it struck me that's exacly what my ds does. Cycles of anxiety. I can see directly that my ds' learning ceases the minute he becomes anxious. His comprehension of language is the first this that 'trips out'.

So, when that happens; I take him out of school. We make cakes, we have walks, we chat, we make stuff, we play games - anything he likes really. I try to teach him coping strategies.

I know he ain't gonna learn a thing if he is overloaded.

(tbh though, I always, always put his mental health before anything else)

When he's calmer he goes back. He's usually quite keen to (to get away from me, I imagine)

I'm sorry he's in a pickle though

My brainstorming would have gone down the lines of indigobells. I don't think that learning ever stops. There may be an academic ceiling (debatable), but not a ceiling on new things.
At 15 there should be lots of challenging activities that he might like to do that his sister will be years away from being able to do. Something out of the classroom, very hands on and practical.
I don't know where you live, but examples of the type of thing around here that i was thinking about was volunteering at a stables/farm, virtual lessons in driving/flying. Something that might boost his self confidence again.
I wish you well.