Dyspraxia - how to handle temper tantrums?

[zisforzebra]

Just did a really long post and my flipping phone lost it before i could post! . It's late so I'll sum it up briefly - we're just waiting on a formal diagnosis of Dyspraxia for ds1 who's just turned 9.

Any advice on how to handle the almost daily tantrums which involve screaming, throwing stuff and lashing out? We've tried reasoning - asking him to use his words when he's frustrated, taking him upstairs to calm down and plain old 'this is not good behaviour' type chats. All of these approaches just seen to make him more cross.

Sorry for any typos, just going to post before i lose it again!

Do you think there is anything in particular that sets him off?

We used to get horrendous tantrums when DS was younger, they are less regular now but more dramatic and sometimes involve self harm, when they do happen. The tantrums usually relate to things going on in his life that he is not coping with very well or can't vocalise.

This is some advice we recently received from EP. I was already doing something similar, but I have adapted my approach somewhat. It appears to be having an affect in getting DS to open up more, though it is difficult stoppping myself from asking 'why' questions.

Have you tried asking him 'what' type questions when he is calm?
For example

What did you want?
What were you doing?
What did you hope to gain?
Did it help you? Did it work?
What could you plan to do next time?

Don't answer the question for them. Watch and listen to their answers/actions and adapt questions accordingly.

Concentrate as much as you can on working out what set's him off. Is it sensory overload? General frustation? Hunger? Tiredness? etc, etc.

Then do everything you can to stop putting him in that position.

If he could control his temper tantrum, you wouldn't be posting on SN. Clearly you don't think he can control it - so asking him to is counter-productive.

When DS has a melt-down we totally ignore him.... Luckily he doesn't have them very often. We don't talk about it with him afterwards, because we normally can tell what happened and where we went wrong....

When your DS calms down, does he get weepy/upset at what he has done?
My DS - also dyspraxic - has meltdowns that seem to appear from nowhere. Triggers can be as random as his brother seemingly having more beans than he does. When he is calm, he often talks of feeling useless. He is bright and i think he feels that he should be able to physically manage to ...... fill in gap with write, do up a button, cycle or whatever he noticed that day that sets him apart from his peers. Tiny little incidents build up through the day until the frustration kicks in big time.
He is normally a happy, friendly, competent boy, but his heightened sensitivity can make even the slightest 'unfairness' that most kids would not even notice, seem like the end of the world.

auntevil the main trigger seems to be a perceived unfairness between him and his brother who's 7. He thinks he gets told off more and gets less treats. It's hard because ds2 has a condition that causes him to become anemic so he's given a quite a lot of piggybacks to school and back or we'd never get there. He understands about ds2's 'funny blood' but is still sometimes upset by concessions we have to make ds2.

indigo i know as we're saying it that it won't make any difference. Haven't tried ignoring as he's generally chucking stuff so are we're trying to stop the destruction. Will give it a go though.

minx good tip about the questions. I do question him about the root of his frustration and he's very responsive to that.

When he's not kicking off he's a lovely, considerate sweet boy who gets on really well with his brother.

Thanks for your help, please ignore any typos - my laptop is dead and it's so slow mning on a phone.

my sons dyspraxic its funny how they have this thing about things being unfair, trouble is they find it so hard to express themselves emotionally it kind of builds up and really silly things set them off.

i have always tried to make my son laugh kind of like steer him away from getting angry or getting in a panic as hes sometimes prone to do,in a way its rubbed off on him because he has a great sense of humour that people often comment on.

but there can be another side to him that at times he can be quite dark in a mood and he can be really hard on himself, but nine times out of ten its caused through something that has happened outside of the home he also has nightmares at these times and it can be a guessing game to find out whats happened often i find once its out in the open the moods lift. the other thing i have learnt is to shutup and listen when he does open up or he will clam up or get distracted.

pink thank you for your reply. It's funny you mention nightmares as ds has just started having trouble with insomnia. His worries generally manifest in other ways such as nausea or tummy ache and we can pick up on them but the unfairness tantrums tend to come out of the blue and can be sparked off by something as small as the boys having different flavour yogurts.

We'll try some of the techniques mentioned and see if he responds to them.

I echo the point about watching what triggers... for example it sounds like you now know never to give them different flavour yogurts (though if your DS is like mine, you will have different flavours left in the fridge because yesterday he didn't like strawberry but today he does ).

We are trying to ignore bad behaviour, like IndigoBell. It's becoming increasingly difficult though, because DS won't stay in his room now, and runs about the house looking for increasingly upsetting things to do (obv trying to provoke a reaction)..... pouring drink over table, hurting people, turning CD volume to highest level. How do you ignore all this?

Threats (eg TV withdrawal) appear useless when they're in this state.

Also - pick your battles! Eg DS wanted to play football last week, suddenly can't bear his footy boots (has narrow feet so shoes always been a problem). I realised that he was working himself up, and decided to let him play out in best shoes, which I have been able to clean since.

Re sibling rivalry/unfairness:

I have started a reward system using 2p coins. They have a list which states what they earn when they do something they should (eg eat well and no kicking each other under table, put shoes and coats away etc). All things get 2p except for doing homework without a fuss which is 4p! The list is non-negotiable.

Come Saturday morning, we count up and give them that amount as pocket money. (I keep the 2p's for the following week).

I think I've got through to them that it is FAIR and mirrors their behaviour. They like receiving their coins (only took 3 weeks or so to realise that they DO add up and so ARE worth having!) and it is therefore a very visual reward.

It's hard work remembering - but I'm sure it must be good practice for catching them being good and I have to say that things are improving since its implementation.

highhorse funnily enough i have also just started a similar system for my dyspraxic son and his 14 year old hormonal sister.

my son has a cash box and he loves to save and count his money, both him and his sister have different things on their lists where they can earn money each day and i add it up on a friday.there are some funny things on his list like not to throw crisp packets behind the tv, take his own pots out, not to poke the dog, lift the loo seat up and aim(i sound a terrible mum lol but even my son thinks that ones funny))but its really starting to work.

Pinkstarlight - had to LOL at the loo seat! It's something i might try though!

pinkstarlight - LOL. I even have "have a drink after school" on my list... anything they won't normally do!

When the going gets tough, we like to marvel at the brilliance of our DS's mind. He so knows EXACTLY which buttons to push.

One of my favourites was when he appeared in front of me, calm as anything, and from behind his back he produced a worksheet we'd done together from his book "There's A Volcano in my Tummy" (about dealing with anger). He very carefully ripped up the paper in front of my eyes and dropped all the bits at my feet before walzing off.

Or there's the time I found the "How should I behave?" book in his bin.

OP - at the moment DS has a TV on loan in his room) . There's been the odd occasion when he has taken himself off to his room and calmed down by watching it. It's actually supposed to be a punishment for me (he's watching it without having asked) but it does seem to calm him so that's all I'm bothered about. (I previously didn't believe in my kids having their own TV until older).

Another way we avoid flare ups is by not having them in the back of the car together . We went on a family trip recently and I sat in the back. Not something I ever thought I'd do but as has been pointed out to me, the world has to adapt to DS, not the other way round, and boy, was it nice to have a journey which didn't involve any screaming or spitting on siblings!

lol at laughing at my son and the loo seat but living in a house of girls it drives everyone mad but at the end of the day i know he cant help it.

so rather than making a negitive thing about stuff its better to laugh it off, punishments just do not work on my son he will just melt down more and come out with stuff like "you dont like me,you hate me i know you do" then he will kick off about anything and everything.

i choose my battles very carefully and often put off stuff i want to talk about with him till hes either calmed down or in a much better mood.hes a good kid really its just when things go wrong in his world then he gets silly,has nightmares and his voice always goes up in pitch so the signs are always there.