Aspergers, friendships and playdates

[PaintingRainbows]

Hi

Sitting here shattered at the effort I have put into dd (age 6) having a friend round again this evening after school. It went okay but I had to constantly be on my toes, keeping a listening ear out and repeatedly dashing in to smooth things over. The other child appeared to have had a good time (dd has lots of nice toys...) but really it was more parallel play with dd having her own black/white ideas as to how they 'should' be playing and the other child tolerating but clearly just wanting to get on playing with the toys.
Its always such hard work. dd wants friends round and she doesn't get invited to other children's houses but actually she's more relaxed in her own company at home. While they are here she is not able to empathise, resents attention which I give to other child, dislikes them altering her toys which she has set up and repeatedly makes inappropriate/unkind comments

I just wonder whether I'm doing the right thing by helping her keep the 'friendships' going as I can see without my interventions, these children wouldn't really choose to be her friends. No one would [:-(]

Do / Did other parents facilitate their AS / ASD children's friendships? Is it the right thing to do? Advice would be appreciated. Thank you

Well done, Painting. I have to do exactly the same with my DS (4, Aspergers). It is absolutely exhausting trying to predict what will happen and pre-empt any sticky situations. It's bloomin hard work. My DS never has friends from school to play, as they all have ASD, but he has some friends he does have round and sometimes he has a good time and sometimes it all ends in tears, but we keep trying when we can.

I think it is important, as they have to learn social interaction. There are times to step back and let them get on with it, then times to step in to avoid anything tricky. I think you are handling it really well. As they get older hopefully they will need our help less and less, but this is how they will learn to interact successfully.

I'm always agog when I see playdates between NT children. Mums send the kids off to play upstairs and sit and have a coffee together. I'm always very jealous and a little bit sad that neither DS or I will have that experience.

Yes you are doing the right thing. You can use these playdates as opportunities to educate your DD about the social rules around play and having guests. When you are intervening you need to explain to her what she should do and why and how her behaviour may affect the other child.

This really helped my DD1 to understand rules of behaviour but now she's 13 she just chooses not to bother socialise with her peers full stop.

thederkinsdame - Thanks for your understanding. I can so relate to your last sentence. It was easier when dd was smaller as other little ones also did random things at times. At that point a lot could be passed as developmentally appropriate but as she gets older I just see this widening gulf between her and her peers. I wonder whether all that I'm doing is really making a difference or whether to just chill out for a while, stop trying to make friendships work for her until she's a bit older but then risk she will have no friends by then ...

Al1son - Really interested to hear your perspective now your daughter is older, especially as your dd has chosen not to bother to socialise with her peers. Is she happy? I feel I'm unfairly trying to mould my dd to fit into this NT world because she has to go through the school system.

PR she's much happier around horses than she is around people. She spends every moment she can at a friend's stables enjoying the routine and stability of working on a yard full of horses and interacting with very few people. It's what makes her happy and is fine by me. She doesn't struggle with it at school because she has a place in a mainstream autism base which means she is protected from the harsher social elements of high school.

I don't regret supporting her social interaction when she was younger. She has very well developed social skills considering her difficulties and CAMHS are very clear that it's because I have spent so much time interpreting social behaviour and rules for her.

My DD2 is 7 and I have been supporting her social interaction in a similar way but have just decided that she cannot cope with having friends here at mealtimes. from now on I'll invite friends after school for her but arrange for them to leave before tea-time. I'm not sure what other parents will think but heigh-ho.

If you feel that the gulf between her and her peers is just too wide could you support her friendships with other age-groups? DD2 has had children who are three years younger and three years older for playdates and these have been quite successful. Older children are more understanding of her social ineptitude and younger children have much lower expectations anyway.

We have a similar experience painting. Dd3 tries to hyper-organise everything and everyone.

The last time we had a friend round she would not let the friend touch the playmobil, which was tricky as the friend was desperate to play with it and Dd3's room is dominated by it.

I have to admit I usually take the easy option of going to the park or soft play, we have found if we go for the last hour it is quiet so Dd3 copes ok and we don't have sharing issues at home.

Many of her playdates end in tears and her visiting other houses nearly always ends in a meltdown.

She has one friend whose mum works with children with ASD who is a godsend, she seems to be able to handle anything and Dd3 has lots of fun there and another who is social very mature and seems to get that Dd3 is quirky, but she is good on the nintendo DS so it doesn't matter.

This is enough for us at the moment as it is hard work.

After reading what A1lson said, I wanted to add that we never do playdates after school, Dd3 is always too exhausted after a day at school and would not cope with it. We do weekend and holiday playdates.

Al1son and Ineedalife - it is so good to hear you found ways to support your daughters that worked for them.
I like the suggestion of meeting others away from home. Last summer we often went to the park after school - that worked because we could easily leave when things became tricky. It is much harder when you have a child coming to play after school and they are staying for tea. Roll on the warmer weather...
I think weekend or holiday playdates might be a better option too because dd is actually more relaxed at these times. Its not just about finding a way through the maze is it, I need to think more creatively rather than typically NT!
We rarely have opportunities to mix with other age groups (although dd does like older children) and dd doesn't have siblings to play with either so I can see the need to keep up the social side for her with her peers despite it being so hard at times.

I second your comment, Ineedalife. We can't do after school playdates so do weekends and hols, too. All my DS can do after school is come home and watch TV. I'm not even allowed to speak to him till teatime. I limit the time to maybe an hour at first. I always use the 'we can't stay long as we have to go and do Y', rather than saying it's because he can't cope. I've found short and sweet best. Always leave early, on a high, rather than battle to stay longer because you feel you should, and have it all end in tears.

I guess we are very lucky, one of my best friends has a wonderful little girl who loves to play with dd1 and seems so understanding of her, but truely think its because her brother is autistic.
We also have another friend whos DD is also classed as HFA and they are so simular in personally that they get on great but we do have to limit time together as it can sometimes just get too much for both of them.

We do an awful lot of work on social play, explaining why people do things and the way we should treat others. DD1 is 8 now and does ok with one to one play for short periods of time but would still rather play alone.

I do tend to push my girls a little as I know one day Im not going to be here and they will have to deal with the big bad world at some point and they dont make allowance like I do.

We also tend to do playdates out of the house if possible because then we dont have "their moving my stuff" fights, so either farm, soft play or I go there (but does mean I have to stay)

Thank you ladies for sharing your thoughts and encouragement. It is appreciated. I was feeling a bit drained after the playdate yesterday but you are right, I do need to keep trying to find ways for DD to have opportunities to socialise and learn the life skills which don't come naturally to our children; Or at least keep going until she gets to an age where she can decide for herself how social she wants to be and how she wants to interact with the world. Interested to see that no one advocated giving up with playdates, even for a short time...

At the moment,I find it hard to imagine that its going to get better for DD among her peer group but underneath it all, she does want to fit in and belong so I shall take that as a positive, plod on, try to arrange more things outside of the home and focus more on opportunities in the school holidays and at weekends. Tonight we just 'chilled' which was lovely

I don't have a child with autism/aspergers but my ds1 (5) has a friend with HFA. Whilst it is true that their friendship is now noticeably different than ds1's other friendships neither boy seems to care.

What we (friend's mum and I) have found works well for playdates is for a period of more structured play (a board game or hide and seek or maybe some crafty type activity or baking) which they do together, then a period of free play which does usually end in parallel play but happily so.

@PaintingRainbows I know this is an old thread but I am navigating something similar to you now.. Can I kindly ask how your daughter is doing and whether you have an advice about play dates/helping with social skills for a 4 year old- including the play date situation? Sending you both my very best wishes.