Ds1 can't cope when I rough-house with Ds2.

[coldtits]

If I tickle, swing, or throw Ds2 around, and he makes the slightest shouty or "arrrrrgh Nooooooo!" noise, ds1 attacks me physically, pulling my hair, punching and pulling at my arms.

He's very upset by it, and no matter how many times I tell him that Ds2 likes to be tickles, or that we are playing, ds1 will insist that I'm hurting ds2 and it's "bad". Ds1 has ASD.

I have several separate issues here.

1. I feel that Ds1 is actually (inadvertently) interfering with the bond I am trying to maintain with ds2

2. I worry that he will go to school and say "Mum hurts ds2" and the SS will be called - and I won't be believed because some social workers are stupid and ignorant about autism.

3. I'm really fed up of being hit when I try to interact with ds2. Really fed up.

that sounds tough.

how is your ds1 generally wiht emotional literacy? is he quite good at telling his own feelings apart, and verbalising them?

can he (in isolation) tell when ds2 is happy/sad//excited/scared/scared in a good way (eg theme park rides)?

I htink i would start off with lots of work on identifying emotions. whatever works for your ds1 - pictures in magazines, google images, clips on you tube of people screaming on rollercoasters etc.

and then, start off with the rough housing, but go slowly - so tickle ds2 a bit, and then get ds2 to show/tell what his feeligns are - obviously stop before the point where your ds1 would normally get upset.

mayeb use an emotion volcano - pic of volcano, with a scale of numbers/various pics of happy/excited/angry faces. your ds2 could say whereabouts on the scale he is with whhichever emotion.

and, get ds1 to say what he is feeling, and why. and talk it all through.

then back to the rough housing, and og a little furhter, and do it al again.

does your ds1 enjoy rollercoasters and suchlike? you need him to be able ot identify in himself that scary, edge of brilliant, but a little bit terrifying emotion that is "thrill", before he can identify it in others.

I'd go for a social story - get photos of you and ds2 playing and what have you

some people like to play roughly, DS2 likes to play roughly, sometimes DS2 says no, Sometimes DS2 shouts, this does not mean DS2 is hurt - it is part of the game, DS2 likes this game - this is ok, DS1 does not like to play like this - this is ok too

that's probably a bit short, but something lie that

my son is the same I am actually heartened to hear someone else has this problem

mine is also when i discipline - I am being bad to them appara.

I do feel you pain

dispondant - I also have had attacks because Ds2 is screaming with temper and I'm pushing his hands away from me (as he's tried to hit me). Ds1 because so distressed that he hid under the bed and screamed at me that I was a bad mummy for hurting.

He really stuggles with separating other people's reactions from his own feelings. he doesn't react to much - he's never hit me in a tantrum about bedtime for example, and he would have to be very distressed to scream the way Ds2 does over really quite trivial things (like toothpaste, 'doing things myself', and the velcro on his shoes.

So Ds1 hears the screaming and assumes deep distress, when actually Ds2 is, seemingly to me, merely exercising his lungs. He's always been a loud child.

coldtits, I have very similar issues with my 2 girls.

dd1 is a passive girl. placid, content (constant and pestering, yes, but never physical - other than constant touching)

dd2 is loud. always has been (and it seems so much worse because she is a petite little thing - looks like a china doll)

dd1 is noise sensitive, and cannot bear her sister to be distressed in any way.

so, tantrums over cleaning teeth means dd1 turns into a shrieking harpy too, as she is so upset that her sister is upset. it's like bedlam, tbh.

dd2 has also learnt that she gets whatever she wants if she is loud - so, whether she is exercising control over breaking routines, wants a toy that dd1 has, doesn't want to eat ehr meal - she just makes a noise in the hope that dd1 will be so distressed that I will call a halt ot it.

it is very hard ot mange - you have my sympathies - as dd1 genuinely believes that it is the end of the world for dd2, whereas dd2 is just making noise...

slowly, slowly it has got better. we worked a lot on getting dd1 to identify emotions. we hae reached the point, where, on a good day, she can dispassionatley look at a tantrumming screaming dd2, turn to me and say "dd2 is cross". she still needs physical reassurance form me that dd2 is ok - lots of stroking and hugs, but she no longer gets distressed herself.