disagreement with mil re statementing As son

[autumnsmum]

hello thank you for all your help as you know i have another thread running regarding statementing my son who is 5 and has as, he is not coping in mainstream , school refusal and other issues . my mil with whom i normally get on well has a very different view of my son she doesnt want statementing as she feels its a label and also she frequently tells me other children are worse, this is true but not terribly helpful after a meltdown from ds, i do like her a lot and dont want a falling out any advice on how to handle this?

My ds has a statement but no AS dx as yet - he is 10. We constantly have relatives saying he will grow out of it,it's just a phase etc.Have just obtained a sm with 22 hours support and now the comments are does he need all that? . Your ds is 'lucky' to have dx at a young age as early intervention is so much better than spending years not knowing what's wrong and fighting the school to provide adequate support. I would point out to mil the benefits of early support for your ds. If he didn't have a sm explain to her how much harder it would be for him as he goes through school. We worried about a 'label' but he already had one as a 'naughty' boy. I would just promote the good things that can be done now to help your ds rather than having huge problems further down the line. Hth.

hi autumnsmum, I agree with dameedna re importance of early intervention and labels or other people's judgements being something we have limited control over. A statement is at least a positive label in as far as you get something beneficial in return, and should act as a signpost to others for why your son is the way he is.

Part of your mil's reaction is I expect the grief reaction we all feel about wishing things didn't have to be this way for the dcs we love. But it's also not helpful for your ds ultimately. Because a statement is about ensuring your son gets the help that he needs. And unless you are very fortunate, it's going to be a battle to get all his needs met and the final statement may not be completely adequate when you've finished all the negotiations with the lea. So you could explain to mil that you have to aim high and expect to get maybe 3/4 of what you're asking for.

Also it really is not relevant that there are other children worse off than your ds. If your ds breaks his leg and has a simple fracture, does the hospital tell you "but we have children who come here with compound fractures, so why would your son need treatment?"

The sen code of practise states a child is likely to need a statement if your dc has severe and complex needs which cannot be met from the schools resources at school action plus. That's all you need to focus on.

Good luck with explaining things to mil.

Does she work in a primary school? If not then she knows nothing about whether or not your son needs a statement, the implications for the school, the teachers, your son etc.

If she does work in a school and she thinks a statement labels someone then that is very sad.

Either way explain it to her thus: all a statement means is more money for the school which they have to use to support your son.

You want the school to support your son as much as they can , isn't it fair to bring extra money if you can? Very few children get a statement. If he actually gets one you can be sure he needs it, and you can be sure school will be grateful that he has one.

A statement does not mean anything else. For example loads of us here have kids with statements who are also on the gifted and talented register.

My son never got a statement , although school tried to get him one. He is top of his class in almost every subject. But he still needs more TA support than other children. The school are paying for this TA support out of their own budget. But they're certainly not labelling him as anything other than 'ASD' which is the correct 'label' for him.

His prev school just labelled him as naughty. They didn't even realize he was clever.

Glad I came across this thread, experienced exactly the same from mil last weekend - discussion about dd3 and my concerns about her literacy/numeracy at school.

Anyway, my ds2 (asd/adhd) already has a statement in place and attends a S&L unit attached to a mainstream school which he loves.

I also have a good relationship with my mil but she doesn't understand the system. She doesn't understand that if we don't get dd3 statemented then the school don't have to do an awful lot to help her etc.

It's a tricky one but in some ways it would be nice to have her "approval", it would provide me with reassurance that I am doing the right thing but at the same time, I know that I am doing the right thing and it's also none of her business!

I dont think it's something to fall out over, a statement is only a pathway to ensuring the correct placement for him and additional supports. It's also better than any negative labels others will give him or what he will call himself. DD3 wrote a song (it was almost illegible but that doesn't matter) and the first line in it was "I am such a dumb girl". So it's so worth pursuing.

I have often found with family/mil that the proof is in the pudding; get the statement and when he starts thriving she will realise what a benefit it is, even if she doesn't say! She also perhaps needs some time to get her head around what's happening with her grandson, she might be scared x

Statementing is not a bloody label!. A "label" anyway should act as a signpost to getting your child more help.

You will have to be firm with this woman and put her straight. If she does not like it tough. Your MIL does not have to deal with the realities of seeing your son every day. You do though and you're seeing your son fall apart here because he is not coping with school due to his additional difficulties. A statement will help with those.

You my friend are your child's best and only advocate. You need to stand up to this old bat of a MIL. She is not currently acting in her grandson's best interests here and is at best misinformed as to what a statement is all about.

thanks everyone my mum is a retired teacher and sn governer and she supports my boy being statemented , mil works in a preschool

could your mum talk to mil?

Tell her that he needs weekly SLT, weekly OT, 6 monthly Educational Psychologist assessments and a 1:1 in school for at least 15 hours.

Ask her if she is prepared to fund it, because if she is, you won't need a statement.

You can make up some nonsense like most labels, provided they are given before age 7, are removed by secondary. Those given later stay for life!?

Maybe she should realise that, if she doesn't support you, you are far less likely to keep her informed or ask her advice in the future. Personally I wouldn't include any of my relatives, apart from my sister, in this kind of process, never mind consult them!

I don't 'consult' with anyone. Sometimes I might talk things through with my DM because she has been a teacher, advisory teacher and a head of service for a LA and it is interesting to get that perspective, but I have learned that whilst I don't always know what I am doing, the best that I can do is nearly always better than the alternative.