DS hitting DD

[someoneoutthere]

DS (5, ASD) is hitting DD to the point that it has become immensely dangerous to leave them alone in one room. He tries to push her off the stairs, will hit her for no reason if he can get anywhere near her. We previously thought it was just DD's reactions(crying) that he was after. We are not so sure anymore. Before he would atleast play with her sometimes or liked her to be around. Now all he wants to do is hit her.

We were hoping it was a phase that he was going through, he goes through a lot of phases like chewing his nails, spitting, all stopped within a month, but this phase of wanting to hit DD has been going on for long time. He spends all his waking hours trying to hit DD (excluding the time he is in school). We can't figure out why he is doing this. I am losing my sanity over this as it's a constant battle to keep him away from her. It does not help that DD wants to be with him all the time despite being beaten up. Last night I had DD in my arms and he suddenly came running and started pulling her hair no reasons whatsoever. DH thinks it might be jealousy, may be it was last night, but other times he hits her when she is nowhere near me. I am at a loss about what to do. DS does not hit anybodyelse except DD. When he is hitting he knows it's wrong to do so. I have so far tried the following:

1. walking away with DD without any words to him. He followed us, said sorry over and over and then as soon as I accepted his apology ran towards DD to hit her again.

1. Took away all his games, not let him play on his swings and trampoline, he cried and cried, said sorry and gave DD hugs and kisses and as soon as time out was over tried to hit DD again.

3.I slapped him hard once (I am very ashmaed of this) as I could not get him off DD. He cried again and kept trying to kiss me and hug me and said sorry, but immediately after started to pick on DD again. Only thing the slap achieved is that he now covers his face after hitting DD.

He never hits DD when his ABA therapists are around. He likes having DD around when they are with him. As soon as they leave, he starts hitting DD again. Time out has so far done nothing, taking away his toys or games makes it worse as he can amuse himself with verbal stimming (making horrible screeching sounds which he does not normally do and which takes him into his own world). Sometimes it is attention seeking, sometimes it is for fun (he likes to wind DD up), but sometimes it's vicious. I am at the moment taking DD with me everywhere even to the loo so they are never alone.

Sorry for the long post. If you have read this far, would appreciate any advice you can offer. I understand it's behavioural, but how can I stop it happening before he does some serous injury to DD?

I would ask gp for emergency referral to camhs if you don't already see them for ds. Explain what an incredible strain this is putting on your family and the strategies you have already tried. He may be too young to access cognitive behavioural therapy but they may be able to achieve something through play therapy and can sometimes offer family therapy and or courses aimed at parents of children with asd etc.

Sorry I don't have any more practical advice - we sometimes have similar with my older dcs but it's not constant and I haven't found a reliable way to stop it either. One suggestion I remember was pouncing on any positive behaviour - which in your case sounds like only when aba therapists are around - and praising him to the sky for being kind to dd then. Also is it possible for you to have some time alone with ds where he directs the play perhaps if dd could be with dad, so he feels he is getting some focussed attention might do a little to ward off the jealousy.

we have a 4yo & 20mo dd - my 4yo went through a phase of really going for dd that lasted a few months. We used a combination of approaches, I'm not sure if any would be useful for you or if you've tried them all

• scary punishing shouting - ds hates being shouted at, used very rarely if he does anything particularly calculated or dangerous
• time out - worked well for a while because he doesn't like being separated from me, less effected recently so we've backed off - but if everything is getting too crazy & boisterous I do separate them
• pairing dd with good things - there are a couple of activities & ds loves that he only has access to when dd is involved & there's no hitting
• social stories & roll play - to help ds learn how to react safely when dd is being a PITA (breaking his stuff/pulling his hair) - most of the aggression was because he had no other way of getting her to go away (he calls for my help now)
• masses of praise & reinforcement (one time we use edibles) when he is tolerating or playing with her.

It hasn't cured the problem, we still get pushing etc but I feel it's more typical sibling interaction rather than dangerous now & he is often spontaneously affectionate & playful with her.

Sorry it took me so long to come back to this. Ds was having a particularly difficult day yesterday.

Pinkorkid, we don't live in the UK anymore, so CAMHs not an option for us. He is having ABA therapy and his supervisor advised us to take DD away without giving him any eye contact or saying anything which has not done much so far. I normally spend all my time with DS once he is home from school as DD is not in school yet, so she gets to spend a lot of time alone with me. Problem is he considers me as his only and does not want to share me with DD at all.

Phelbes, I like the idea of having activities which he will have access to only when DD is involved. I am going to need to do some serious thinking about what this activities can be. I have been thinking about getting an ipad for him to use as a reward for good behaviour. I have never used social stories as I could not find any book here. I tried to write one, but DS started repeating no hitting DD and laugh and hit her. Problem is he thinks it's funny not to listen to your parents or adult and do the opposite of what is being asked. Don't know how we are going to get that out of his head.

We have this problem. It's much worse when he's anxious, overstimulated or distressed. Like you, I try to keep dd near me, or have them in separate rooms (or preferably have one at childcare!) If you find a good solution please remember to resurrect the thread.