My dd seems to have 2 personalities! It's screwing me up.

[alittleloopy]

Hi everyone.

I have a 4 yr old dd who probably has asd, a mild form, but never the less she will probably be put on the spectrum at some point.

I really hope someone can relate to this story as I feel like i'm losing my mind.

Dd one week can be loving, caring, have an urge to learn, socially where she should almost be, calm, helpful and bright. Another week it's like someone has swapped her for another child. She's violent(very), moody, mardy, socially very behind, hyperactive, in her own world and completely defiant.

She's has only just started foundation class at school and I think that's going ok. They are aware of her problems so have been pleasantly surprised I think.

I suppose what I want to ask people is if she had asd would she really be capable of being practically where she should be for her age socially etc for weeks at a time.

Sometimes I take her out with me and she looks completely 'normal' . We get no funny looks, which can be killing and then another time she can be bouncing around singing to herself, running off and having tantrums. Like I keep saying, completely different personalities.

Can anyone relate to this or make some sense out of it? I really do feel like it's sending me mad and I need to be strong for her. I just wish I knew what I was dealing with.

Thanks for reading and I really will be grateful for any advice, suggesions or experiences.

:)

Bloody hell, dd is just 12 and you have described her down to a T.

She rather kindly saves the worse of her behaviour for me too, parently this is because she feels secure with me, wish she flaming wasn't at times, she's a delightful charmer for everyone else

My DD is 5 and in reception, as common with girls with ASD she does not show her distress in school, she wants to fit in or it takes a long time for her to process everything...so when she gets home it is often an explosion of bouncing, stress and tantrums. Towards the end of term and during the change of routine for school holidays she can be a nightmare.

Keep a diary to see what triggers her, bare in mind what seems like nothing to a teacher can be huge for an ASD child. My DD had a huge reaction, including nightmares, after a boy pushed her, no injury and the teachers didnt see the incident but she remained upset for two weeks.

HTH

Yes I have one too, in fact I have 2 but one has left home.

Dd3[8] can be as sweet as anything when things are going her way, but rock her boat and all hell lets loose.

I find that something if happens early in the day it can impact on the whole day.

School is very stressful but she is very good at fitting in. She likes the rules and routines but if something upsets her she saves it for me.

I keep a diary to provide evidence of quirky behaviour/habits and also to detail how I have dealt with difficulties.

Thanks for all the replies.

I have to admit I started wondering if she had some sort of personality disorder.

superfantastic and ineedalife- You say that your child fits in well at school, does this mean they have plenty of friends? I only ask because a know asd can stand in a childs way when making friends. Dd does have friends, but not like the other children and that's really tough to take.

Sorry to say DD had one friend in nursery...more of an obsession really and none in school. She randomly joins in activities but can dominate/control...or withdraw quickly and she memorised the register, she also like to walk home with the same children but nothing Id call a friendship. She used to say DCs were friends but then Id find she had just watched them to be friends. But DD has language difficulties to.

She is much better with her cousins and close family friends...they understand her too and give her space when she needs it. She also says Im her best friend!

We just got a book..(arrived today) called How to be a friend..we shall see how it goes.

DD fitting in means not throwing herself on the floor, screaming or tears...she doesnt stand out. She does repetative play, obssesions and without TA support learns very little.

Does that help...sorry if it sounds negative? DD is quite happy most of the time :)

Yes, you have described my dd (and my dh) .

Dd1 is 7 with Aspergers, most of the time she is well behaved, bright and you can have almost adult covosation with her, the rest of the time she is demanding, naughty and can't complete simple tasks when asked.

Dd1 loves school, has lots of friends (but often plays on her own through choice), she's well behaved at school and top of the class for english and maths but at home she can be a handful.

I think its quite common for girls on the spectrum to bottle things up at school (stress ect) and then it comes out at home.

Dd3 has 2 friends at school, they have been together since reception, they are very tolerant of her quirks at the moment.

She doesn't really know how to make friends and can be controlling, but she is very bright and is able to learn social skills [they don't come naturally though]. At the moment we are working on sayiing "Hello and Goodbye" to people.

Alittleloopy.. you say that your Dd doesn't seem to have friends in the same way as Nt children, but she is only 4. Some children are quite happy to play alongside others until at least 5, if she has an ASD she will take longer to develop the skills she needs to make friends and will probably need help to do this. Please remember she is only little and socialising all day at school is going to be very draining for her.
It is fine for her to play alongside others so long as she is not unhappy.

Whe Dd3 was 4 her best friend was the man who owns the local shop!!

I agree with Ineedalife, dd1's best friend when she was 4 was the head teacher (dd1 loves males and he's the only one in the school). Dd1 has only just started having real friends (at almost 7 years old) before that she was happy to just play along side them.

My DD doesnt 'want' friends ...she wants to stay home and do play doh with Mummy and DS. :) :) :) She has come on a long way in a year, we learned how to share, waiting...still practising that though, taking turns and is picking up reading and writing very quickly. Everything just takes a little extra time...goals for this year, to start a conversation, to make a new friend. :)

Thanks for everyones imput. It really has helped actually. I knew I couldn't be alone and I have posted a lot about my dd on here before, but have never asked that particular question before.

My dd doesn't have a problem with sharing atall, she likes to please. What I would say though is that she's very manipulative, which obvously isn't just an autistic trait, but what i'm saying is she will manipulate to get something when other children seem to have the skills not to have to...........if that makes any sense.

Also dd did struggle quite a lot at pre school and certainly didn't save her frustrations just for home. Having said that it was quite rare for her to have a full blown tantrum at pre school by the end.

Fingers crossed for school anyway. The friend issue is huge for me. I know she's only 4 but she still does seem to be the only one not being invited for tea etc. :(

Does anyone have any suggestions with getting dd to be more interested in learning. She very rarely can sit longer than a few minutes with me and it's so draining because I know she's becoming really far behind. Sometimes she doesn't recognise certain letters and still gets sounds mixed. I know i've gone off the subject but I thought I should ask now i'm talking to people who know exactly what i'm talking about......hopefully

Thanks again.

Wow - Thanks for this thread. I too think I'm going mad because some days we're convinced he's got ASD and other days he seems 100% fine.

As for getting her interested in learning, I think instead make sure she gets lots of short bursts of high quality teaching. At this age she doesn't need to sit still for long. It's fine for her to just do 2 mins every hour (in recpetion).

Id say thats an age thing really, not uncommon to not be very interested in reception class. Im not sure how to advise as my DD has significant language issues so we get everything mixed up! :) Just keep trying. Is she on school action/school action+? Does she get much support in school? Short focus exercises with a smaller group and a TA may help. :)

x posted with indigo...but great minds think alike!

I think maybe I am being too hard on her sometimes. Especially with where she should be academically.

Today was another classic. My heart was pumping so hard when I went to pick her up, I felt physically sick. This is all because I just dread being pulled to one side or seeing that look in her eyes and I just know she's had a bad day. However, I was told she'd been a good girl and a few of her class mates even smiled at her and said goodbye. :)As soon as we got home though and I said she coldn't have whatever it was, she started screaming(a new high pitched almost animal squeal)hitting, scratching, throwing things around(mainly breakable things) and biting. It can be the smallest thing that sets her off and it's like i've temporarily lost my daughter. I don't want to back track too much with the details but just thought I should give you an idea of a typical day.

Everytime she does this recently I completely lose my temper and shout a lot, which at the time I feel completely justified in doing, but then as soon as things have calmed down I feel like the worlds worst mum.

It's that daily emotional rollercoaster that I think we're all on from the sounds of it, that messes with your head. I just wish I knew how to handle it best. At the moment I don't think i'm doing a very good job.

As soon as she goes to bed recently it's a glass of wine and another long chat about the same thing with my dh. The same thing that we never work out. The same thing that never changes. Talk about going round in circles!

What a shame alittleloopy that she had a good day and then melted down as soon as you got home, she could be exhausted, she is still little and a school day is long, especially if she has worked hard at being good all day.

Have you tried walking away when she is screaming and hitting? Could you remove the throwable things for now and leave the room.

The chances are that if she has lost control she needs space to calm down.

ineed-I have tried walking away but she just charges at me like a bull to a red rag. I really don't understand where it comes from most of the time and maybe I never will completely understand.

You're right in saying it's a shame because everytime she does this obviously she has to be punished(usually taking toys etc away), which can be confusing to her if she's been really good at school. Don't get me wrong she knows the difference between right and wrong, but I think sometimes she really believes she's being punished for her good behaviour as well as the bad.

I've now got the thrilling task of getting her in the bath. This is something that for the last 6 months or so is 9 times out of 10 a nightmare. She just stands there screaming that it's too hot when it's only just warm. She insists on a cold bath, which i'm obviously not going to give her. Oh god and I forgot her hair desperately needs washing too.

Sorry if i'm blabbering on now, but sometimes it just helps to get it all out doesn't it.

I would never punish my ASD son for having a meltdown. By definition he can't control it. And frequently they can't link behaviour to consequences.

Can you reduce the number of baths she has? Kids don't need a bath every day.

Etc, etc. This is the daughter you have. Not the one in the supernanny book. So you need to parent her not the girl you thought you were going to have. I mean any conflict points that can be avoided - avoid. My youngest sleeps in his clothes cause he hates getting undressed. There are loads and loads of rules that don't need to be followed.

And start the diagnosis process. Then DH and you can stop going round in circles and start to learn how to parent a child with ASD.

I have to agree with indigo, I don't think you should punish her for being out of control. I used to use time out with Dd3 because it worked with Dd2 and I thought it was the right thing to do. But Dd3 was always inconsolable when sent to her room and sometimes it would take up to an hour to calm her down. So I stopped doing it and came up with another way of letting her know that she had done wrong.

If your Dd is on the autistic spectrum then she is going to need handling differently. It is hard but you have to find what works for you to reduce the stress levels for everyone.

There are loads of people on here with great ideas so just ask.

Good tips posted by all. Its quite the learning curve parenting a DC with ASD. For my DD we managed to reduce stress/anger/anxiety by clear rules (on a picture board), a timetable..daily, weekly, huge calander, in school. We use a traffic light timer (it lights up and makes sounds) to warn her clearly when she needs to stop watching tv/playing games etc. We use visuals a lot but not to teach speech, to give her a clear steps to follow. We have mini routines like toileting, bath time, bed time, what she will eat breakfast/dinner etc. Some for exploring feelings and illness. She loves to follow clear direction and will complete tasks this way obsessively...often correcting me.

We only use time out step for violence and intentional naughty behaviour. We always have to consider her emotional state, frustration (often at not being able to explain) and not being able to control herself. Quite often the stress upsets her so much she cant get out of a tantrum she just needs to be told to apologise so she can calm down and have a cuddle. It is different and takes a while to get used to...also very frustrating as a parent.

Some really good advice I think. I wouldn't say I agreed with everything though, or maybe i'm just reading it wrong. I know the difference between a normal tantrum and a melt down in my dd(like you all do)and a lot of the time they are just big tantrums where she is naughty for naughty's sake. Although I don't feel proud when I shout, the other punishments such as taking a toy away temporarily, or no chocolate that day are completely justified. Asd or not, there is no way I am accepting that kind of behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that children with these issues do need to be handled differently and suppose we're all going to have our own ways of handling it, no matter what the "expert"books may say.

Are you sure she understands the link between consequences and behaviour?

An awful lot of ASD children don't (no matter how high their IQ)