How do you get a break?

[chocoholic]

I'm really struggling to spend any time with my DH as when he is home on a weekend we tend to take turns to look after our DS (he has HF ASD and can be quite exhausting to look after).

We argued yesterday and he said I hate spending time with DS and just try to wash my hands of him on a weekend. I do feel like I need a break from him at the moment (DS rather than DH) and wondered if other mums feel like this.

He started school in Sept so it's not like I don't get a break during the day now. I just feel like I'm struggling but I don't know what I need to do.

How do other people get a break? Do you feel like you need one? I just feel like I want a break from both of them - is this normal?

Sorry, bit of a ramble just feeling a bit at a loss at the moment.

I didn't until DS[16) was about 14 apart from him being in school,DD1[19] comes and looks after him and DD2[15] so DH and I can get away,DD2 sometimes watches him whilst we go out for a couple of hours.

I think yesterday was a day for it....arguing. Must have been a full moon. I walked out until they come looking for me in the car. The cold air on my face and my lovely warm body, mind it's also cos I'm really unfit. However I was driven by madness. Later on to find on facebook half of my friends had listed themselves as single. One of them being married for years!!
It is normal to need a break from them all, or at least it is for me, all mine are hard work and I am just sick of the lack of respect!!
Sorry going off on one, everybody needs a break!!

Everybody needs time for themselves to be themselves and not another's whipping boy/sounding post/carer etc. Totally normal to feel like that. It's just how you go about trying to get that time that's the battle.
I would love more time to be myself - I just keep thinking 'one day'

Oh no, can't wait another 9 years borderlass.

Devientenigma, are we living a duel life do you think?

I just feel so guilty for needing to be away from him but then go mad when I'm constantly with him.

I certainly felt like I needed time away from all the things one has to be (mother carer teacher therapist wife cook negotiator etc!!) and time to just be and sleep. And yes I too feel that I need a break from being a wife also!! It is I'm sure common and normal to feel this way - and have negative thoughts about spending time with ones nearest and dearest. However it is not easy to find a solution especially if money is tight. My son is 11 (he too has ASD and has very high needs)and we have just started getting one night a month respite - and boy do we need it! But DH and I have very different needs so it is not a miracle cure.
It is good that you are aware you need to plan some changes. We have tried all sorts over the years. I think my biggest need ( apart from sleep) is to regain my sense of self and enjoyment.
Organising some sort of respite from caring is important. There are 2 main problems - finding a suitable substitute carer and paying for it! One friend gets Direct payments to help pay for their disabled child to stay at her mothers regularly. Good luck!

Another one here, told dh I would be packing my bags this morning and he had better sort out childcare by tomorrow. Even gave him the number of a friend who's a childminder and knows both dses well.

The only reason I haven't done it, is because I sat here watching dd looking so happy and secure and I couldn't decide what was best for her. She adores her daddy and big brothers, so it would feel wrong to take her away from them and also she would have to go to nursery full-time while I work to keep us, when all she's ever known is being at home with me all day every day. The alternative would be to leave her with dh, but then she'd still end up in childcare all day while he worked and she's very attached to me as well and so little to be without her mum.

I don't want to go, but I feel like I just can't take any more. Like you I am home during the day while the boys are at school, but the mornings and hours between school pick-up and bedtime are long and hard and I spend my days worrying about ds1 and dealing with his stuff (appointments/letters/meetings).

Dh doesn't have a clue. He does sort of support me. If I tell him when an appointment/meeting is, he'll make a huge fuss about booking time off and how awkward and difficult it is for him, then he'll attend but not say a word. He doesn't read any of the paperwork, doesn't have to deal with the school, or be the one that dreads pick-up time because he's called to speak with the teacher every day and he's not the one that sits cuddling and rocking their 8 (nearly 9) year old ds on their lap after school trying to calm him down and talk through what went wrong with his day and how to deal with the other children - all the time feeling like a terrible Mummy for sending him there and putting him through it all.

Sorry, I don't know what the answer is. I just wanted to agree and sympathise. Its so hard and people just don't 'get it' until they've had to do it themselves (in dh's case he still doesn't get it, because even if I'm ill I still do everything, keep control and remind him etc and he only does the bare minimum until I can take over again) and being a SAHM doesn't make it any easier. I spend the majority of my time dealing with ds1 and his 'entourage', sometimes I feel like his full time secretary/PA as well as his emotional punchbag.

Arguing with my DP this week too...mainly he is even less help than usual due to an injury caused by his own stupidity. So he has spent the week snoozing, taking strong pills and playing computer games. DS is teething and DD back to school so I am shattered. :(

At Christmas my female family members and friends decided we would not buy each other gifts this year and instead would have a Spa day together. DP has been instructed to book the day off as we will go out for food and a few drinks after! :) Im clinging to the thought of a day off...although I may just sleep in the spa!

Just tend to snatch whatever time I can. (am fortunate as dh is at home with me, which means I can nip out as he can watch ds for a little while.. or unfortunate as dh is home with me, (I am his carer too) and so wants transport to places, sympathy, rescue, feeding etc )

I kinda decide whether I am fortunate or not depending on how p'd off I am with dh , and how much sleep we all got last nite.

One think that did help was accessing the local carers centre, they organised free trips and (i believe) also fund care for the 'looked after person' if necessary..

Worth a look, and doesn't cost anything to go.

We don't really. My parents live too far away and FIL refuses to help unless we give months and months notice and have a specific reason. DH asked him if he'd take Ds1 out on his bike round a couple of streets for 5 or 10 minutes when he came to visit and he said "no". I don't know if he refuses/reluctant because he just doesn't want to, or he genuinely can't manage them both. Annoyingly he is now saying "well I would offer, but x or y prevent me from doing so." However, when we do ask if he'd consider it in the future, then he says "no".
We do have another babysitter, but as she lives on the other side of town and is reliant on taxis or buses to get back home, we don't like to ask her very often.
It's not just spending time away from the children but as a couple, it's being able to go away as a family. If we want to travel anywhere and stay overnight, we have to check that the room is secure and that it's a family room, or with interconnecting doors so that Ds2 especially can't escape. So whereas our friends, for example, can pack up their tent for a weekend with their ds, we haven't got that option. Saying that we are risking our first holiday abroad this year, but it is taking a lot of careful planning and a lot of money.

So not just me then. Thank you for replying.

Maybe it's just January getting me down. The endlessness of it, the groundhog day feeling, or just feeling sorry for myself

I've not really looked into respite. I'm not sure DH would be happy and would probably say we can manage ourselves. I would then feel guilty about not coping and wanting time away.

I don't think it helps when DH turns on me. We are supposed to help each other not be there to make the other feel guilty.

I did decide to leave last night but 30 mins up the motorway I just couldn't leave my DS so turned back. It's not his fault I feel so crap.

Good to hear I'm not alone in wanting a break. It's not good that so many of us want one but re-assuring to know I'm not just a crap lazy mother who wants a day off.

Yesterday was definitely a day for it. After a difficult few days with DS1 and a poor night's sleep of my own, I completely melted down about the state of the house, of all things. Apart from being sleep deprived, DS1 was in the middle of a protest about eating lunch and DS2 was throwing books and toys on the floor as fast as i could move them out of his way and I'd just had a go at DH for putting things down instead of away when he'd finished with them. Something had to give. I ended up ranting, then crying and slamming things before munching on some chocolate and disappearing upstairs for some peace and quiet before i moved piles of stuff form one place to another.

I think it's pretty normal and very human to feel like you do, chocoholic. I get all day away form the boys (though constantly wonder when the phone will ring) and they sleep well enough to have some quiet time in the evening, but the constant worrying and fretting and battling is wearing.

I thought life would get kinder once ds started school - but actually it got harder - in part because school provision was very inadiquate and in part because ds was not ready, so he became more needy (if such a thing is possible) when home.
I used to think dh wanted to avoid ds when he was younger but it has improved as ds has got older. Dh still needs to chill after his hard week but he can do that with ds mow rather than needing to run off! He often takes him for a walk- Ds enjoys walking ( dhs hobby) if it is interesting - if he is kept interested life is easier for us all. I only mentioned respite/alternative care earlier which may not be suitable till dc is somewhat older but opting for the easiest option and finding little moments of peace can be life savers too. For instance dh sometimes brings me tea in bed and I really appreciate that now after a decade of ds being a very early riser (his preteen body clock is turning!). We found a travel hotel near my parents (and a wonderful park)with a quiet bare family room next to the resturant entrance - so dh and I could 'eat out' occasionally and visit family. Ds likes soft play but needs constant supervision but a local softplay has a sn session once a month. Other parents understand and you really can sit down and supervise!! Sometimes just finding a time and place - where everyone is comfortable and able to relax/ not get into strife is all it needs.
Mencap run some holiday and saturday clubs so it may be worth looking at what is available locally, although 5 is still very young.

Sunday was definitely the day for it and it is often my worst day. Your post could have been mine chocoholic! Me and dp have very different ideas about what we need to have a break. i need a break not just from ds and dd, but from dp and the whole house sometimes in order to stay sane. Organising this without rows is difficult but I am determined to manage it somehow. We do have two night respite a month but it was a struggle to get dp to accept it. He also thought we should and could manage. I can't manage without a break and I also feel guilty about this. However, I also know that people with NT children need and get breaks much more easily than we do. Even when ds is on good form, there is always the stress of not knowing when his mood will change or how to handle a crisis like the DVD player not working. I kid you not this is a crisis of mega proportions in our house!

I am lucky to have granparents who will take ds overnight occasionaly. Totally changes the vibe in the house, like we can all breathe for a bit. My kids are both at school and i do tend to make sure I do something for myself whether it's a bit of exercise, coffee and a paper in the cafe or whatever usually at the expense of the housework. I do find if I can't get my time like in the school holidays I get even more ratty than usual and rather resentful.
As a couple we try to go away for a weekend once a year if we can manage it and rope in all available relatives to cover the time. That is the only weekend I get a good night's sleep. In 9 yrs haven't had more than a handful of uninterrupted nights and find that the hardest thing.

My son is 7 (HFA) he too is hard work ,yes its normal to want a break.....i dont really get one as my DS is home educated....but i definately feel i need one ,some days more than others.............................but i always think, and have read on here about other parents problems and i realise that things could be much worse.