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SN children

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Original poster

Give me strength

43 replies

FanjoForTheMincePies · 02/01/2011 13:57

Staying with ILs over New Year.

DD isn't sleeping and the 3 of us are crammed into a tiny room.

BIL is being his usual charming self, classics of his this visit include telling us with great glee and giggling that someone he knows has got a job 'driving the spazzy bus' and talking about 'spazzys' at his work.

SIL is being interfering as per and said 'just leave DD to feed herself, you aren't going to feed her forever are you?'

Well,yes, might have to, she has poor motor skills.

Aargh.

Roll on Friday!

OP posts:

purplepidjbauble · 03/01/2011 07:29

What 2shoes said - they obviously don't mind offending you, so what's the problem with politely pointing their rudeness out to them?

Original poster

FanjoForTheMincePies · 03/01/2011 07:58

Well, I bite my tongu for the sake of DH and MIL.

Point taken, but I feel like I am being a biT attacked here for not saying anything.

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Original poster

FanjoForTheMincePies · 03/01/2011 08:02

I clearly would not allow him to say such things in front of DD btw.

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signandsingcarols · 03/01/2011 08:43

Can understand others feelings and am (most of the time) an 'all guns blazing' girl, but didn't want you to feel even worse for not saying something.

It is ok to pick your battles and your timing, and to keep the peace for MIL sake, you are there, you can make the choice,
(but you are also allowed to feel p'd off with the BiL too, .

Hang in there, and maybe have a chat with MiL at a future date about how much you appreciated what they were trying to do, but how comments like BiLs are really tough to hear... (please don't shout everyone, I know that sounds woosy, but it sets up things for the next time, so that when he is a dick again, you might feel more able to tackle it and feel MiL and FiL are on side already...)

Just a thought...

Original poster

FanjoForTheMincePies · 03/01/2011 08:47

He doesn't make such comments in front of MIL. So i'd have to go and tell her about it.

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signandsingcarols · 03/01/2011 09:12

how about using what he said as a good example of a contrast to their efforts, 'we really appreciate how you have done x or y, etc etc, it's such a nice change to some of the comments people make, (give a couple) and then say even BiL when he says x is tough to hear.

Telling her, but without making it the main thrust. If you present it that way she will hopefully be shocked on your behalf, and you will have told her, in a roundabout way.. without it appearing that you want her to referee... ( is she likely to tackle him, if she knows?) It allows her to feel good about how she has been able to be supportive for your visit, without making her feel guilty for the fact that BiL has been a dick in her house.... (may also put her on guard for future dickish comments from him).

Just a suggestion...

Good luck...

2shoes · 03/01/2011 10:30

sorry didn't mean to make you feel sad.
what did your DH do?

Original poster

FanjoForTheMincePies · 03/01/2011 10:41

He said BIL didn't mean DD as they don't think of her like that..no excuse though!

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zzzzz · 03/01/2011 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepidjbauble · 03/01/2011 11:13

Sorry, Fanjo, I didn't mean to upset you. Just a quick post before I went to work (now home with either flu or just a particularly nasty downturn in mood, so my normally flawed judgement is even more off beam than usual)

It sounds like BIL knows that what he's saying is wrong, otherwise he would say it in all situations regardless of who was present. Therefore it's reasonable to suspect malicious intent. "Outing" him and his comments to people he wants to hide it from - your MIL, DH, other family members - might be the best way to tackle it if they are generally supportive of you and DD; make it clear that, in your family, that kind of attitude and language will not be tolerated.

Not quite the same, but my uncle has a habit of "casual" racism - he's not nasty to people individually but is a nightmare for stereotypes. I forewarned DP (he's black, my family and I are white) and, to be fair, according to him my uncle isn't that bad. Point being, I was over-sensitive about my uncle's racist attitude, which from DP's point of view is nothing more than outdated language and a misplaced attempt to be funny and witty...

I'm not saying you're being over-sensitive, the S word should not be used outside a clinical setting, but, giving BIL the benefit of the doubt, does he realise exactly hos offensive his language is?

Original poster

FanjoForTheMincePies · 03/01/2011 11:16

He has been better the last two days, probably because he was sober! They have gone home now.

His GF is a nurse, I think she might have said something to him, she hurried out f the room after him when he said it.

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Original poster

FanjoForTheMincePies · 03/01/2011 11:17

And I was offended by the fact he was mocking the people n the bus and laughing, more than anything!

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ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 03/01/2011 11:17

Hey, I wasn't getting at you !

My two are a fair bit older than your dd and I simply won't put up with this shite anymore, going via mil sounds a good idea, you'll feel better for it

2shoes · 03/01/2011 15:21

I would have a word with your dh.
get him to speak to his brother, surey he doesn't think it is ok

auntevil · 03/01/2011 22:29

Sometimes you have to go around the houses to pass on the message to 'behave' if you want to keep the peace. I have good family in law, but my BIL is a bigot, racist and lots of other ists by nature/nurture - except intellectualist! I had to make comment to my DH who agreed with me that in front of our DCs was not appropriate. I ended up with talking to my MIL when she was staying with us. She has taken up the cause with a vengeance! No member of the family can make even a quiet utterance like 'cr*p' - without her commenting about 'not in front of the children' - much to my FIL's embarrassment as he gets caught out with that one even more than my BIL!
Is there anyone in the family that he feels he has to keep on side with? Often MILs seem to have that power, but there might be someone that he doesn't want to get on the wrong side of that could be an ally for you?

intothewest · 03/01/2011 22:47

certainly wasn't attacking you ,Fanjo- I'm just very sensitive to that kind of remark

Original poster

FanjoForTheMincePies · 05/01/2011 07:22

Phew, home!

BIL sobered up and improved and SIL spoke to DH when I wasn't there and said, off her own bat, that she was worried she had sounded patronizing when she had meant to sound encouraging!

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auntevil · 05/01/2011 10:37

That's a plus that your SIL recognised her behaviour. That was the one that caused you most trouble. Sometimes people that mean well don't have the sensitivity or language skills not to cause offence. at least you know there was no intent in what she said.
best news of course is that you're home! No more annoying relies!

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