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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

dc and religious services

46 replies

mariagoretti · 27/12/2010 22:24

My ds (7, adhd/?asd) has had increasing trouble coping, despite being taken every week for his whole life. He becomes anxious beforehand and during, which sparks of the echolalia, constant chatter and wriggling. I get embarrassed, try the usual measures, which work for a few minutes. He then loses it (hooting, picking on his sister, kicking me) and I know a full-on meltdown is starting. I get stressed and over-react, which obviously makes things a whole lot worse. We end up hiding in the porch or with me dragging the dc back to the car, saying horrible things to them .

I think a lot of it is sensory, combined with his age and size which now prevent the anti-toddler tactics I used to use. The church is connected with his school, which makes it worse, as everyone then sees the difficulties he works so hard to hide in class. He has a bag of tricks, we sit in a quiet(ish) side pew, he gets a biscuit and drink after. I'm at a loss what else to do, so I said on Christmas eve, "We just aren't going any more". I'm half heartbroken and half relieved. Suggestions?

OP posts:

JandyMac · 29/12/2010 10:03

signandsingcarols I went to "Learning Disabilities:ignored or included" and "Hidden disabilities: the challenge of mental health."
I went to accompany a friend who has a physical disability. I thought the atmosphere was like a little bit of heaven. People were so kind to each other and they went out of their way to accomodate my friend's needs.

Back to Church. My DS used to like to sit in the front row all the time because he felt more part of what was going on.

mumslife · 29/12/2010 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

asdx2 · 30/12/2010 17:46

Sometimes you just need to find a different church.Our church is hugely welcoming of dd and she is often found at the front holding hands with the vicar during services.They miss her if I leave her at home. During hymns she sings and dances at the front too, some other children join her as does the vicar's wife. Maybe a different church would be more welcoming.

Original poster

mariagoretti · 30/12/2010 17:56

asdx, I often wonder about a different church. A small, friendly, church, possibly with happy-clappy tendencies, spare teenagers who want to help out, and in desperate need of a congregation would be ideal!

The parish is part of the problem, tbh. All the services are packed out with families, some for religious reasons and others mostly trying to get their kids into the school. Trouble is, it's not that different in the other local RC parishes, and I'm too Catholic to switch churches entirely.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 30/12/2010 18:06

Hi, I'm an RC with a ASD DS, I don't go every week and always follow mass with a treat (unless he's been awful) usually lunch in McDonalds.
He still doesn't like going but it does get easier. DS is 13 now and just got confirmed voluntarily! I was so proud
Could you try a chat with your priest?

asdx2 · 30/12/2010 18:41

Ours is a happy clappy church so you could be right there It is very relaxed though with a wide and varied congregation so think they take all sorts I haven't tried taking dd to a more formal church though because I have a feeling they'd be horrified.

amberlight · 30/12/2010 18:42

Try www.cofe.anglican.org/about/gensynod/agendas/july09/gs1725.pdf

and www.oxford.anglican.org/social-justice/just-care/welcoming-those-with-autism-and-asperger-syndrome-in-our-churches-and-communities.html

which are two resources we created that a lot of churches are using (and indeed other faith groups/secular groups). It can help churches to understand what to do to make services more useful for parents and children.

The most important thing for me is the welcome from the leader of the church. If they are totally welcoming and very determined that they will be inclusive, that's excellent news. If they're evasive or vague, run. 100 'test-drives' backs up this view.

Worth checking out www.achurchnearyou.com/ for CofE churches that welcome those on the autism spectrum (the find churches tab lets you search for them). If it's other types of church there may be similar things.

JandyMac · 30/12/2010 19:39

Thanks Amberlight the one from Oxford Diocese is the one I was thinking of and I wrongly attributed it to Peterborough.

amberlight · 31/12/2010 08:27

The lady in Peterborough was involved with the work and part of the team I work with, so that's probably why

Original poster

mariagoretti · 31/12/2010 10:39

Hi amber and Jandy. I had stumbled accross this courtesy of our friend google, and just wish there was a RC equivalent. St Joseph's Outreach service in Hendon are good. They're for LD officially, but are also helpful to HFA families. Trouble is, the invisible disabilities still seem to be just that in our church.

OP posts:

andperseand · 31/12/2010 11:02

Hi Maria - have you got a St Vincent de Paul Society? Our parish started one recently but I haven't been able to get involved. I had wondered about contacting them though as I feel quite strongly that it is not just the elderly housebound who can be isolated but can be just as hard for us with much younger DCs.

It might just be a way in to raising awareness and I had also wondered about getting people together in someone's home or more informally in church at another time than Sunday morning and asking the priest or others from the parish to be involved.

Although I am often desperate to be able to participate on a Sunday like everyone else, and feel really sad when we can't, I also think our faith can/should be throughout our daily life - that sounds too high and mighty but I just mean I feel like as long as we can access it and share it with our children in some way, not necessarily the most traditional one, that is what is most important. And I am realising it is something to work at little by little!

It is really helpful to read all these posts and realise I am not alone as well.

signandsingcarols · 31/12/2010 11:06

Other's may have already said this... but organisation called 'thru the roof' might be useful? I think they work with all denominations RC or Protestant..

PS am really pleased ds coped with the christmas morning service with no kids church, he was dancing at the front, and rolling on the floor at times, but hey it was a celebration service and no-one gets to define how different people celebrate...

{vision of 4 yr old, in ikea hi-vi waistcoat and florescent ear defenders, doing slow motion dancing to carols at the front of the church,

oooo, just remembered, I am sure there is an organisation which was doing christian holidays for families with kids with ASD, every child had a support worker, so that parents could (if they wanted) be free to worship, or could have help with kids to stay in meetings, and the worship and stuff was tailored to what would be most manageble for people with ASD, and there was lots of active stuff too.... um can't remember name, but have pile of handouts from the enabling church day, will root thru and anyone interested can pm me... jandymac can you remember the name of the organisation?

amberlight · 31/12/2010 12:50

Worth also looking on the Churches for All website (easy to google etc) for links to Through the Roof and other handy organisations for Christian disability-related gatherings etc. I'm helping them add more autism info to the site at the mo.

JandyMac · 31/12/2010 20:12

Through the roof are the charity that do holidays for families with autistic children. [email protected]

signandsingcarols · 01/01/2011 08:15

Brill, thanks jandy will contact her, oh and Happy New Year!

mariamagdalena · 28/08/2011 21:44

Bump

neverputasockinatoaster · 28/08/2011 22:42

Hi, we are RC and my DS is currently being assessed re ASD/ADHD. He has been going to church with us since he was 6 days old but recently we have taken to going on alternate weeks.. OH one week and me the next... because I feel like I can't focus when DS and DD are there. They are just such live wires and I notice DS's behaviour and I am on edge all the time.
HOWEVER, the parish priest we had when DS was born, is a lovely, lovely man. He had built a parish of acceptance. My DS was always welcome, never frowned on, never tutted at... I remember one week when DS was marauding up and down the aisle and heads turned during the sermon, he turned it into a lesson on tolerance...... When I wasn't coping well with DS's behaviour just after DD was born he knew and was so supportive, he knew how hard it was to be mum to DS!
Sadly he left, was moved to another parish (interestingly the Parish church attached to DS's school!) and for a while I felt DS was no longer welcome. It was interesting to see how the attitude of a priest shapes the attitude of the congregation.... the priest who followed our lovely priest was distinctly anti children, and especially anti mine!
Now we have a new priest once again and he is lovely. He treats my DS with great respect, talks to him, accepts that DS will duck away from a blessing if a hand goes near his head so blesses him while holding his hand, he treats me and OH with respect too and never frowns upon DS's behaviour....
So, my rambling was meant to say speak to your priest, see if he can help....
I have a church bag with things we only take to church, special books, colouring stuff etc. DS has started to take part in the service and once the holidays are over we will be making a concerted effort to return to church as a family.

unpa1dcar3r · 28/08/2011 23:01

Forget the behaviours (not easy) for now and remember that we are all Gods children and He welcomes and embraces all.
Do they not have a sunday class? It must be hard for him to sit through a boring service- I think most kids find it boring! I know I did as a child and only suffered it so that I could go Girls Brigade!
Some folks used to moan about the boys behaviour but the minister read out a letter to the congregation he asked me to write explaining that we are all Gods children and in so many words, get stuffed if you can't cope with the boys haha.
It was funny though once when youngest trod on miniters wifes foot and shouted out 'f* off you bitch'. She found it hilarius and said 'don't worry, I'm a child psychologist, I'm used to kids saying that to me'!!! Fair play.

pigletmania · 29/08/2011 00:04

I have given up taking dd 4.5 to church, after half an hour, there is usually a meltdown, and screaming at the top of her lungs in chuch ' i want to go home' and trying to make a dash out of the door . Yes I have a bag of tricks, but it does not always work, as for going to Children's litergy forget it. She will not part from me, and will get bored after 5 mins.

mariamagdalena · 29/08/2011 22:19

Piglet, you do half an hour? That's actually pretty good. Sit down at the offertory, leave at Communion... or find a nice speedy Irish priest

rebl · 29/08/2011 22:33

I take ds once a month to the all age service. Its great, ds is allowed to bang drums, shout and basically not be quiet. He knows he's not allowed passed the choir but he can stand in the choir and sing if he wants . The result is actually not too bad behaviour because he's not constrained. OK he's 5.5 and all the others behaving like that are 3 but he and I are not judged and he gets to play with the drums!!! He actually added something very profound with the most brilliant timing at the top of his voice once (not on purpose I might add but the vicar made it look like it was) . The vicar has the attitude that once a month the oldies can put up or go else where because he has to ensure the longevity of the church and thats not going to happen with the 70+ brigade is it? He's a cool vicar I have to say.

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