When you expect your 'other' child or children to be 'easy'

[JakB]

So sorry I haven't contributed anything to anything on here recently. Been in a stress bubble. I am having a really difficult time with DD's little brother, who is having meltdowns of the highest order. I've been thinking today that, unfairly, I expect him to be older than his years, cope with change etc etc and I think he's rebelling against that. He's realy emotional at the moment, having huge tantrums, very on the edge. All, I suppose, probably 'normal' for his age (nearly 3) but I just can't cope with it. It's as if in my mind I've got DD to cope with and he should be this perfect child and he's sort of shouting and saying, 'What about me?'. He's been very emotional about DD going to school and he's recently started nursery. Help! Anybody else had this? I don't think I'm very good with him as probably a soft touch with everything else going on and sending out confusing messages.

JakB, I think what you are describing is very common among siblings of a child with special needs; I don't know about autism specifically but I know that when I worked at Mencap it was something that was explored quite a lot. This looks rather useful as a starting point, and this organisation looks worth checking out too.

It must be really hard; I find balancing two NT kids drives me up the wall, I will freely admit.

JakB - you could be me but reverse in that ds is the oldest. Infact as he is older I guess I do put too much onto him really. If I hear a noise upstairs for instance I instantly shout "ds, what's going on?" and it's not fair to blame him. I also try really hard to just have 1-1 time with him when I can so we can have a chat out of the way of bouncy dd. Sometimes at bedtime we have a little cuddle and a chat.

Have you thought about buying the book "My Brother Sammy here " that explains about having a sibling with autism. Sorry if you have it already. I have just always tried to be as open as I can about having a sister with special needs and it helps them to understand (although yr ds is still very young)

Sorry for the ramble

oh yes JakB- been there and have even found myself saying to ds2 "I need you to do x, y, z right now, you can see what your brother is doing" which of course is awful and wrong (he's 3 FGS).

I am lucky in that ds2 has a very special bond with my dad (who is useless with ds1 so he kind of channels it all to ds2 I think), and that means that ds2 has him to himself. He's also started to stay at my parents, and we tend to do thing separately, rather than as a family now- which I also think helps. I'm hoping that-(assuming) ds3 (is fine)- it'll be easier to balance with 2 NT children and 1 with SN.

Currently ds2 has suddenly got scared of the dark/monsters and has appeared in my bed during the night. That's hard because ds1 has been up for hours a lot recently, and with a baby I really need ds2 to be reliable and sleep through. Had to be really careful not to lose my rag with a little boy who is scared of monsters under his bed.

It's hard to get the balance right, at the moment I think we're doing OK, but I don't envy ds2's family position. We are also lucky that he adores ds3. If he didn't....

thought take a look JakB, only thing i can suggest is to make some individual time to make him feel special. Even if its only quick story/game. I had 2 young one's at the same time and it can be hard when they both need attention.Its a case of trying to get a balance ie my dd birthday is the day before my ds so every time i had to do the whole excited saga equally or one of them would complain so and so had this/that. So what im trying to say is try as much as possible to make it equal. Hopefully he will go back to his happy self soon.

Thanks for all your advice! Socci, DS goes to nursery two sessions a week. I almost think it's not enough for him to get his head round- monday mornings and friday afternoons. Thanks for the book tip Blossom- he's nearly 3 so I think getting to the age when I do need to explain. Jimjams, it's so reassuring to know that other people feel the same. I've got to remember that DS is still a little boy and can't be expected to act like a ten-year-old! Soblue, I think you're right- need to schedule in more 1:1 time. We do have stories before bed and a cuddle but even that feels like a rush. Always so much to do. Maybe DH and I need to do more stuff with just DS, too. We're kind of housebound (Jimjams, I know you understand this one!) and the weekend apart from a special needs session at the local soft play. Motherinferior, looking forward to our meet! Thanks for the websiteXXXXThanks for listening

jakb we ended up upping ds2's nursery sessions as well. At 2 he started with 2, now at 3 he goes every morning (with monday being a full day because I'm out). It was an easy decision for us because he loves it, but it means he isn't housebound along with the rest of us! (runs during hols as well).

I had to up ds's nursery sessions aswell as he was going two mornings and it was a complete nightmare. he got completely and utterly stressed about everything. His tantrums are horrendous too and he is nearly four. In the end he started going five morning s a week and it has helped him ever such alot with his confidence and to make friends with some NT children of his own age. cant say things are easy though, he is a very difficult child and I do honestly - hand on heart- think alot of it is to do with having dd as a sister