help, I am probably about to do the wrong thing...

[devientadventenigma]

I am seriously thinking about leaving my hubby, who I must add, love dearly. I have download housing app forms to go and hand them in the moz.
The way I am looking at it is..how are the kids meant to learn, when his needs are just as bad as the kids! Hubby also attended special school, has no specific dx, apart from speech, hearing, retaining info, performing tasks and attention probs. So not so different to most men!
I am also sick of the demands this family place on me, selfish though that sounds, and as he is an adult he has to go. In which eliminating some of the demands on me and hopefully retraining the kids!!
Yes I can see loads of issues that would make life difficult without him there, but I am fed up of being the one who has to do it all. I just feel so worn out, mentally and emotionally.
Some one please come along and tell me the answers I am looking for. TIA x

it would be bloody hard. Have you others to call on for child care / support if you need to? How will you get out of the house to meet friends?

have you talked to him about how you are feeling? maybe an ultimatum with some specific instructions might be enough for him to start pulling his weight?

please think it through carefully.

I cant tell you what to do, and do understand in some ways.
Have you tried discussing it with him? Can you just take some time for yourself to recharge?
Sometimes it all gets too much and when you have a dh that needs you too it becomes toon much.

I won't try to tell you what to do, but wanted to let you know that I know how you feel.

My dh is undiagnosed, too, but we are all 99.99% sure he has AS. I often feel like you -that the demands he puts in me are sometimes the last straw.

I really feel for you, because it's so hard to deal with the children's needs, without having someone to lean on and offload to.

Do you have people outside of your immediate family to talk to, or who will let you rant when you need to?
I remember your earlier threads, when your ds was really struggling with school, and I also know how stressful that is. I'm not surprised you are worn out and fed up.

Can you take some time out for yourself -you certainly deserve it. x

Bloody men eh

seriously though have you weighed up the pro's and con's of leaving? If you do still love him can you talk to him about how you are feeling and say, if things don't change in 6weeks/months whatever then you will leave? I have had to do this with my hubby about 3 years ago and now he is a lot better, i think he has mild aspergers by the way.

Hth sending hugs

ah, don't get me wrong he does pull his weight, I don't even know how to express what I mean.....however, I know this may be trivial for some......for instance tonight, I said, it's a shame I haven't managed to get the freezer defrosted before I go food shopping (both are desperate) plus I'm up to the hilt moneywise and don't know how I will fund the shopping as yet, though again that's my problem. So he phoned his dad to see if he had room in his 2 chest freezers. Of course he didn't, though he could lend me one...I told hubby he can't get it as our large mobility car is in the garage after the accident we were in and have a small courtesy car that we are not coping with at all. Before he went I said rather sternly...do not use the corsa!!I don't know how he done it but he has brought a manky chest freezer home in the corsa that steptoe and son would turn there noses at!!
It just needs cleaned...do I have time to clean it......anyway you get the picture.
Now if this was a one off, ok, though he is consistently like. this, kind of can't do right for doing wrong.....I just feel he disrepects me and causes more grief. All he had to do was tell his dad..I can't put it in this car......why does he never think??
Now if the car is damaged or needs cleaned..where do I find the money, why can't he take more care..he's like a bull in a china shop!! Iv'e put up with him for years, Iv'e tried to help, just don't know if I can do him anymore, he's just as much hard work as my kids and for those that know my kids I feel.......it's saying something!! Rant over, TIA x

lol sibling....he's now officially off school, still isn't there and the most annoying part of it is school didn't even phone to say merry Christmas, after all it's only a special school with few in the class!!
I know his diabetic nurse and camhs (who see my dd) also think hubby is ADHD and ODD like her lol, see you have me cheering up already x

I also did threaten to leave a few year back, I gave them (obv not my ds), untill the end of Jan to make me feel like things had changed.....so I packed my bags and we all ended up in samaritans....who said I was the attention seeker lol, I then asked did she want to try my life, then tell me!!

he sounds like my DH, who decided to break the handle off the car today, brought a car without test driving it, never listens to what I say and just doesnt understand why you dont do certain things in social situations. Oh and my favourite "you cant tell me what to do"!!
And OMG that man can not make a decision

sorry rant over, I never complain about him normally to others. He means well but certain times drives me nuts.
I do think he is the same all the time but sometimes I just cant deal with it, and other times I can.

at Samaritans! Bloody cheek!

Without being flippant, this time of year is unbelievably stressful and pushes people to their limit -daily life is so difficult anyway, without the additional strain that the 'festivities' causes. DD1 has AS and between her and DH, I feel ready to run away -they are both out of their routines and therefore agitated and stressed.

Could you wait til after Christmas and see if you feel the same? This probably isn't a great time for you to be making life-changing decisions as you have so many other things going on.

Deviant, have you tried Social Services for respite??

www.special-needs-kids.co.uk/respitecare.htm

www.sharedcarenetwork.org.uk/index.jsp

Or you could just dump the kids on DH for a couple of days and explore my spare room and Pets as Therapy cat

I feel for you. I really do. But the thing is, surely you knew all this before you married him??

I am not being unsympathetic at all, quite the opposite. The thing is, my DH. I knew before I married him that he was academically less able than me. He just doesn't have a brain for understanding finances (or at least not to a level where he could look at our bank balance, look at the money due to come in/go out, decide if we will be ok, and factor in incidental expenses, etc). He could do it, but it would take him a long time, by which time it would all be different.

He is not a quick decision maker, and as a result would make rash decisions on impulse rather than prompt but careful decisions.

He means really well, and will do lots of household jobs willingly. But he doesn't multi-task information well. He will put on a load of washing, but he will put on the type that there is most of, rather than thinking of whether there is a particular thing that is needed, i.e. uniform for the girls.

But I knew all of that before I married him, and there is plenty about me that needs changing too.

I don't think you want to leave him. I think you want to be less stressed.

Do SS help? Are they aware of your DH's SN? You may find that you get more help if you are designated as his 'carer' as well as your DCs.

I know how it feels to feel that you are responsible for all major decisions and day to day responsibilities. I don't think leaving the man you love is the way forward though

(((hugs))). My DH has AS and I sympathise. Is your MIL around? Do you get on with her? I find mine helpful when it comes to DH because she has 22 years more experience than me.

lol, Lougle, I have asked myself, is this why love is blind??
Again loads of issues of my own also. Just feeling drained of it all and thinking of the future, new year new start type of thing, and just wondering how much more of this life I have to take.
You are right I don't want to leave but .....as for me changing, Iv'e asked the family what they would change about me...we do this thing where you have 5 mins to write down any issues, then 5 mins to discuss, with a quick fix and longer term discussion afterwards, if that makes sense. Trouble is there issues always change, mine remain the same, and more often than not there issues is about each other lol.
Yes SS help and if I left him for a few days I would need to prepare myself for coming back, I would also need to get him help as behaviour and food plans would be out the window!!
Purples therapy pets has me curious x

ty ellie, sadly my MIl has been gone nearly a year, though for me she had gone long before. I admired her and don't know how she coped with her 10 kids at all, though a few of them were rather helpful....still....

dont make any hasty decisions deviant.

i dont have a husband but i do have some children with conditions/sn.
and yes-i do feel like walking out the door and disapearing sometimes-but i dont as i know this wont make things any better!
[besides-you cant run away from youreself]

[how are the kids meant to learn when.....]
well-i have got conditions/disability
and when my [now adult]children was younger
i always felt like i wasnt "good enough" or
"second best" as a parent!
i wasnt like the other parents deviant but i tried my best!
my children learnt a lot-and they all turned out to be very compassinate and understanding towards others!
as for the youngest one[whos not a adult]
well-we have a great understanding of each other-this cant be a bad thing.
i dont always see/understand things the way others do but sometimes its ok for things to be a bit diffrent in life.
not bad just diffrent.

is there anyway you could get some "me time"?
i think that the fact that you love youre husband is a positive thing as this could be some foundation to try to move forward[can you see what im saying?]
good luck deviant!

ee Sparky..."how are the kids meant to learn when"....what I meant was when he was doing exactly what I am telling him not to do x

sorry I am now in a big panick as my 13 yo dd is still not in!!!!

oh drat-ive done it again-
sorry deviant-i misunderstood what you was saying.
[tuts]im always doing this-please forgive me!

lol sparky, of course you are forgiven, I just didn't want you thinking, I was saying he couldn't parent cos of his LD.

lol-thankyou deviant.
i hope youre dd gets back soon.

she's back now, thanks.

Devient, I'm in the process of registering my cat with this charity so he can come in to work with me.

It sounds as if (along with a bottle of wine and a night off) a cuddle with him might help you through this

Hi dev, I just wanted to send you some good thoughts, I don't have a magic wand, (would use it for self if I did )

But I am carer for dh as well as ds, and am recognised as such, by that I mean all the people that deal with ds know about dh too, (with his agreement permission) but it does help, and it means there are a few bits of funding that are open to me/us because of that, (dh is physically disabled, but he is, I am pretty sure, on the spectrum too,).

One of the things that helped me was some counselling for me, just to be a safe place to off load and decide on 'coping stragies', I am [shocked] at Samaritans response, and would really say it's worth persevering to find someone who gets you. I got 6 sessions funded thru the local carer's centre. I also get away for a night or two twice a year all on my own. It's a bugger to organise everything for everyone before I go, but it is so worth it, hope you find some things that help, also Christmas time is excessively stressful... hoping that new year brings a little 'easing'..

I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope that things can be resolved and support given for all of you. I've got the opposite of matters here. I'm the one with Aspergers, which means I have short term memory problems, organisation problems, communication problems, interaction/social difficulties and mild sensory issues. But you know something else? I do 95% of the childcare and sorting the house out. I do the shopping, I (mostly!) keep the house reasonably tidy and always clean, I am the one that gets the lads up and washed and dressed and sorts their school stuff out. I read to them and play with them and sort out most problems that arise with them. And I do this because after years I have found my own routine of doing things, my own structure with things. Does it mean that everything is perfect? Absolutely not? Does it mean that there are no problems? Of course not. My own self help skills still leave a lot to be desired for example, but DH, who is NT, though borderline close to the spectrum, trusts me to know that I am good at looking after the children, no matter what my difficulties are.

Another one to say I can't tell you what to do..

I can only share my experience of leaving a marriage..

Ex Im pretty certain is undiagnosed AS.. But at the time of leaving I knew nothing about ASD/AS at all.
In his heart he is a good person.. But you have to dig pretty deep. ( I was very young and kind of got trapped into marriage , having had ds1... Despite the warnings from my folks not to marry him.)

anyway life became more and more about his needs, obsessions and social and control issues..
I spent most of my time avoiding anything that may cause what I now know as a meltdown from him.. Even over the wrong toothpaste!
Leaving for me was the best thing I could have done.

However.. I am still bombarded by him, he still tries to control me, he tries to gain his needs through using the dc's .. What I am doing is his new obsession! .. Basically I will never be rid of him.

I remarried.. And life is actually great.. Yes ds2 has his issues, but dh and I work as a team and we work well together.
But there is always ex in the background.. Stating rules, not taking responsability as a father, having tantrums etc..

I left because life was dangerous to both the children and myself.. I was a long way away from loving him..
The upshot is that I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis... But he is the same person I left and behaves in the same way.. There is no getting away .