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Original poster

Do those of you with SN children sometimes look at some 'problems' on this board and think if only?

100 replies

oliveoil · 29/09/2005 09:47

I lurk quite frequently on the SN board and am astounded tbh at some of the things you have to deal with on a daily basis.

Then I think of some of the 'problems' that I have posted about and they seem pathetic in comparison.

Do you sometimes roll your eyes at what you see posted?

OP posts:
Jimjams · 29/09/2005 11:01

CT's right though- this did go completely pear shaped last time! I will say now though that anyone who is offended by what I am saying is misunderstanding me. I am not talking about anyone else, or comparing my situation to anyone else's. I do not want to have to flounce again

yawningmonster · 29/09/2005 11:12

One of the reasons that I stopped posting on sn board and used beh/dev and parenting instead is because I didnt feel as though my situation fitted when I read what other ppl are coping with. We dont know what the outcome for our lo is going to be and I think it is the not knowing that I find so overwhelming but day to day while my crisis' are real to me and to my situation they are minor in other ppl's lives. I didn't want to minimise what I saw as real needs by continuing to post on sn when our outcome might be ok and our day to day probs may be faced by nt children and their families. I have been told so many times that you are given the children that need you and that you can give the most to and can't help thinking "I can't cope with this, how does....cope in her situation" I think you are incredibly strong, amazing mums who have a wealth of knowledge and understanding and am touched whenever someone takes the time to reply to my run of the mill concerns.

butty · 29/09/2005 11:23

i dont think that any ones concerns or threads are run of the mill, as it obviously playing a big part in your life at the moment, and if it helps you to ask questions or yeald advice from others, then don't feel you should'nt post.
Every persons problems are unique to the individual, but by talking about it and asking advice at times should not be frowned upon.
After all we all need a release in our life for letting off steam or getting answers to things we can not comprehend ourselves, that is why i come on MN and some of my threads have been dodgey from time to time!!!!!
Butty.xxx

Fio2 · 29/09/2005 12:46

yeah oliveoil, that is why I am seeing a therapist

GeorginaA · 29/09/2005 12:55

I was thinking about this only this morning. I have two NT boys and my youngest ADORES Something Special - I love it too, but sometimes seeing the children on there and I just want to weep for them and their parents. Makes me hug my boys that bit tighter. And then I feel really guilty for what must seem like a really patronising response.

Thomcat · 29/09/2005 13:00

Hi Oliveoil
sometimes I do a little bit yes. But i'm sure some of my worries and concerns about Lottie and her personal special needs seem pathetic to other mums whose children have SN. But everything is relative isn't it.

I have a friend who was worried about her 18 month old who wasn't walking properly and i listened to her concerns with care and it's not that I was thinking 'ohhh stop being pathetic' or anything like that at all, but it hurt a bit. It's like when another friend of mine had boyfriend troubles, she'd just started seeing him and it was obviously not going anywhere and I was doing my best to be a sympathetic as poss but foind it very hard to cope with her floods of tears and woe is me, when another good friend was going through her husband cheating on her with her best friend and she has to young twin boys. I found it hard to listen to the one 'whinge' when the other was going through so much more and was being so strong.
I think I'm going off on a tangent actually so I'll shut up! Not sure what I'm going on about myself tbh.

Enid · 29/09/2005 13:04
Thomcat · 29/09/2005 13:05

Sorry, just read my post and waht a lot of waffle!
I've been up every moerning this week by 5am lates, this morning was 3.35am and i think it's starting to show! Need to sleeeeeeeeeeppppppppppp!

Original poster
oliveoil · 29/09/2005 13:09

you are excused waffle when pregnant love.

I know what you mean in your post but I am not known for being, ahem, a very sympathetic type of person really, I am a 'pull your socks up' type. So I think I would have got annoyed with your moaning friend as well.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 29/09/2005 13:12

LOL, yeah me too. I can't do 'ohhh woe is me, my life is harder than anyone else's'. My nan's little voice always pipes up with 'there's always someone worse off then you'.

thanks for excusing my mad sleep deprived, hormone fuelled, something very wrong somewhere, rambling post!

Original poster
oliveoil · 29/09/2005 13:13

How long have you got left to go? You must be due soon!

OP posts:
Thomcat · 29/09/2005 13:15

Another 3 months. i'm 28 weeks, due 22 Dec. Really looking forward to it.

Just had a cup of coffee and it's made me feel really wird. heart sort of going a bit fast. Bad move. Can only cope with MN right now, real work all a bit too much!
How are you anyway?

Original poster
oliveoil · 29/09/2005 13:18

3 months!!!!! Seems like you have been pg for eons! You must deliver before the xmas period as I finish for work for two weeks. xx

I am fine, dd1 is nearly 3 and dd2 is 13 months (already). Work boring. Am supposed to be off this site this week as I banned myself but am failing miserably.

xx

OP posts:
Thomcat · 29/09/2005 13:29

13 mponths, what happened to make your time pass so quickly and yet it's standing still for me! But you lot were among the very first to know and I was only 5 weeks when i found out and told you.

Right, hace clients bleating on via email so must do something for them to keep them quiet.
Was in late today, leaving early and not in tomorrow so only fair I actually do something other than MN inbetween!

Nice chatting to you. Are you doing the Xmas thing that Custy organised btw?

Original poster
oliveoil · 29/09/2005 13:32

too far for me, sniff, being ooop north.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 29/09/2005 13:38

up north! oh, why did I think you weren't a million miles away? Oh what a massive shame, gutted. I'll fill you in on any goos and email you any pics then.
Right, really off to do some work now. TC x

Saker · 29/09/2005 13:46

It is all relative to expectation. I have one child with SN and one without. I worry about relatively big things for the one with SN, like how he's going to cope at school, ever, at all, and little things for the one without, like whether he can put his shin pads on by himself for football at lunchtime . It's still as important to them in their world and because you love your kids it's important to you.

I do get irritated by parents who create worries because their child does meet their predefined expectations. Equally when I go to the special needs playgroup I realise I could have a lot more to worry about myself.

Merlot · 29/09/2005 16:33

My thoughts exactly Saker. I have one foot in each world too - 1 son with special needs and 1 nt. I still worry about `stupid' things and understand it to some extent.

A close friend was telling me that she was would be upset if her son had to wear glasses (he's had to have a second eye test) - I understood where she was coming from because I would feel like that if ds1 was in the same situation, but the insensitivity of her remark wasnt lost on me either!

SoBlue · 29/09/2005 18:26

Sometimes people think that nt children don't have significant problems . I have 2 sn and 1 nt and i think my nt dd has had just as worrying problems as my sn's sometimes. She was bullied all through school thus had low self esteem, was depressed and became anorexic. I worried myself sick over her and still do.

JakB · 29/09/2005 20:45

I think sometimes the little things in life get me down MORE because I have a child with SN and sometimes LESS. Big things (my brother dying) get me down less, weirdly, little things (bad driving, friends being funny with me, losing my bank card) get magnified because all my underlying stress comes out in them. I do get bitter and twisted JJ about holidays and things that we can't do with DD. I find it very hard to explain her spinny, out-of-controllness and how this impacts on us.

JakB · 29/09/2005 20:45

ps SoBLue, agree about your post, too. Read my post about my 'NT' DS!

anniebear · 29/09/2005 20:57

Jimjams

I would never think you as 'some bitter and twisted self obsessed velcro cow'!!!

Yes, I admit, I do sometimes read other topics and think "if that was my only problem" But then I do also think that everyone has problems.

I have a harder time than a lot of people, but many many people have a lot harder time than me

As well as Ellie's disabilites I also moan about Grace yelling at me or Grace not finishing her tea!!!

nailpolish · 29/09/2005 21:00

i too lurk here on sn, find you lot very interesting esp jimjams, great posts, very soul bearing

glad to hear you are almost almost almost there TC (although bet it feels like forever)

OO didnt realise we had two children the same ages

ghosty · 29/09/2005 21:16

I haven't read all the thread ... got as far as Jimjams saying she could be bitter and twisted ...
I spent some time with you remember? I came away from your house thinking "Wow ... what an amazing woman ... what amazing kids!"
I can see (and we have had conversations about smug mums haven't we?) how threads about "My child can't read yet and he is 3 years old" (Ok, slight exaggeration there but YSWIM?) can pretty much make Jimjams and other mums of sn kids grind their teeth.
But one of the things that I love about Jimjams is that she understands that people's problems are big to them and although her life is unrecognisable to most of us she still sees that what would be a minor behavioural worry to her can be massive to a mum of an NT child. Jimjams has this big heart, you see ... and it shows in her posts and it shows when we talk on the phone, and it shows in the emails she sends. And it most certainly shines when you see her in action in her own house. She doesn't see this of course
I think what I have learned by knowing Jimjams and by watching threads like this is that the true special people in this world don't know they are special ... and jimjams is like that. She doesn't ask for sympathy ... she doesn't expect it. Her life is what it is. She doesn't expect all sorts of hero worship just because her DS1 is SN. She doesn't see herself as anything special just because she has a child with severe SN. It is her life and she just gets on with it. But, you see, she is special ... whether she likes it or not Through mumsnet she has an escape ... and maybe through knowing people like me she has a bit of an escape. But her life is constant, forever and always ... I think that is what makes me feel in awe of her. My children will grow up and leave home, get married, have kids blah blah.
jimjams (and others) have to care for their SN kids forever ...
I don't really know what I am rabbitting on about here ... Jimjams will probably kill me for going on like this ... but I wanted to get it off my chest.
I have thought twice about posting problems I may have with my kids on here ... but one of the things I really appreciate about Jimjams is that she recognises my problems and worries as real ... she may think "Oh, if only ... you think your life is difficult" but she never ever shows it and never ever makes me feel that my problems are minor. She's bigger than that you see.

And so endeth my "Jimjams for President" post

Blossomhill · 29/09/2005 21:22

Ah Ghosty lovely post. I am sitting here all choked.
Jimjams is going to hate me for saying this but..... I find her such an inspiration and wish I could do half for my dd that she does for her ds. Amazing and your posts are always so interesting and helpful