Ds is good as gold in school, but a complete nightmare at home

[emkana]

I think the school I must make it all up. He obsesses constantly about all sorts of things at home, everything has to be just so, in its right place and in the right order, and he's very very grumpy with his older sisters and with me, and he screams and cries constantly. He's four and in reception part-time. He has a skeletal dysplasia, and with it being a physical disability which usually doesn't bring any mental or intellectual issues with it all the agencies involved just have him down as physcially disabled, and in school he's fine, doing really well. Just his behaviour at home... it's getting me down so much, I can never spend any nice time with my dd's because ds always sabotages the time we have together after school.

AFAIK, this isn't uncommon. Home is his comfort zone where he can let go. School is where he is on his best behaviour and keeping it all in. It's kind of a back-handed compliment - his way of saying he loves and trusts you, although it means he is naughty for you!

Would he benefit from a nap or snack as soon as he gets home? Does he get enough to drink during the day?

HTH

He does perk up at first when he has something to eat, and is alright for a while when it's just me and him but once we pick up his sisters it all goes very much downhill.

One issue is that he's still very very attached to his dummy. I've tried to introduce a rule of no dummy until after dinner, but am regretting this now as I think this adds to his misery. Not sure whether to relent or to stick with it.

If it helps his behaviour, maybe try it for a limited time after school? Or, how about freezing fruit juice into ice lollies for him to suck?

If your daughters are bouncy and pleased to see you when they get home, and he is tired, maybe it's all a bit much for him after all that company at school. You could try settling him with something quiet in his room, spending 10 minutes with your daughters then introducing him back into things once they've had cuddles and told you about their day...

The only way to keep him away from me is to put the TV on, which feels like a bit of a cop out.

I'm not a parent (work with people with LD), but my instinct to that is

Meh. If that's what it takes.

Am I destined to be the worst mummy ever?

Put the telly on, do whatever it takes! My son is very much harder work at home and I've heard that's fairly common. Shit for us parents though huh?

As for worst parent ever, I think we all probably feel that way. I certainly feel like that anyhow.

totally agree-ds is great at school;he loves the structure-At home it's where the dcs can let go-and they're usually tired from being good all day!I try to put some structure in and that helps,as long as ds doesn't then get too obsessed with the routine-I do feel as though I'm going in circles sometime- he watches tv too

I have a DS the same. My mum who was a teacher always said it was better that way than being an angel at home and a devil at school.
Do what is right for you, your family and sanity. You feeling grumpy/stressed is not going to positively affect his mood.
I let my DS play computer games - but he knows that bad behaviour at home means that they are taken away. If we are being really honest, i would not let him play them as much if he was NT, but he's not.
Purple is right (you'll make a great mum by the way purple - you already know that 'rules' don't always apply) . Your DS sees home as a place where he can unwind - and his family as those he can say how he's feeling. How many of us haven't been to a meeting and sat respectfully, spoken politely, played the game and then gone home, wept, turned the air blue, then did either some vigorous housework, or had chocolate and or wine to compensate for what we really would have liked to have done?

My DS (4.5 ASD) exactly the same. Angel at school and nightmare at home. Hard to deal with and I think that school (may I add fab)do think that I make some of the stuff up although I did point out some of my injuries ie black eye and bite marks to sshow what he is capable of. Thankfully he hasen't hit me in about 3 weeks Hoorah!

Thanks all. Today dd1 was crying because it gets to her so much that every afternoon is filled with ds's screaming and shouting.

Emkana, I completely understand. My ds1 (aged 6) has Spina Bifida (he's a walker, but uses a lot of energy doing so), and has recently been diagnosed as having Dyspraxia too. He has turned from being a lovely, loving, gentle boy, into a screaming, tantrum throwing nightmare!! He has the physical limitations from his SB, and now we understand why he's finding other things so difficult (Reading, writing, sequencing things). All of that coupled with the fact that he's actually quite intelligent has made him just so frustrated. We all suffer from the result of this. I plonk him in front of the TV and let him sit there - better than being kicked by a child that wears big boots to accommodate splints (ow!!). His poor little brother (aged 3) adores him and probably comes off the worst. I'm hoping it's a phase... :(