Resenting my DS so much....help!

[monkey2010]

Hi,
I am feeling so resentful towards my 7 month old son. i am beginning to dread the sight of him.
He had brain damage at birth and although we don't know the full consequences until he develops further, i haven't been able to bond with him. He doesn't give me eye contact or much social interaction and is constantly moving his limbs so I can't hug him (he doesn't like it either). On top of this he cries a lot, especially out in public. I feel so sad that I feel like this towards my baby - it wasn't meant to be like this.
Spending whole days with him is driving me crazy as I don't know what to do with him and he's constantly wanting to be on the move or frustrated.
I'm scared about the future and my relationship with my DH. i'm on AD's and having therapy.
Any advice from anyone greatly received xxxx

Aw, monkey, that sucks

I have no experience so can't really offer much constructive advice. Can you get him looked after and go out for coffee with a friend or relative and have a good old whinge? It might help to just sob and share, and will remind you you're a human being as well as a mum.

From experience, therapy is a long and hard process, so even if it's not working now it probably will in the long term. Short term, take care and get lots of cuddles from DH

Poor you, it does sound a tough time.

Many, many mothers go through something like this (whether full-blown PND or not), not always straight after birth but often some months down the line. The tiredness, the relentlessness of it all, and the fact that there seem so few rewards for so long.

Some babies are just harder work than others (whether sn or not) - my dsis had a really, really tough first year with her dd (screamed constantly, was never happy) but it suddenly changed at a year old and they are both happier than ever now.

It will almost certainly be more compounded when your baby has sn, but it will get much, much easier. This weather doesn't help, when you can't get out so much, but when it gets warmer, and he can get out of his pram and be on the move, I am sure he will be happier.

In the meantime try not to think too much about the future - there is no way to tell what will happen but it won't be harder than it is now, for either of you.

Keep posting here, everyone here knows some of what you feel, and you will find lots of support and understanding.

Hi monkey, I just wanted to say I have been where you are now and my heart goes out to you. My DS, now nearly 2, was also brain damaged a birth and we had similar issues in his first year. I was very depressed for while. It is great that you have got ADs and therapy as I was too scared to go to the doctor. It will get better I promise. I used to dread spending the day with DS and to be honest going back to work part time saved me I think although I know I was very lucky to be able to do so. But if you can get some time away by yourself (or with your DH) it will help. Now I look forward to spending time with my DS, he is a lovely funny little boy and although he has physical difficulties his constant efforts to overcome them make me so proud of him. When he was in hospital I remember sobbing to DH "Will we ever be happy again" and for a long time I didn't believe that we would, but now mostly I am quite happy, yes I still get miserable about what happened and am still traumatised by it all but day to day things are not so bad. Sending you lots of hugs please PM me if you would like to chat, not sure if I have much useful advice but happy to offer what I can!

Thanks for your messages. I guess I know a lot of mothers go through this but it doesn't make the 'now' any easier!

Going back to work part-time in Jan and hoping it will help.

Badkitty - what were some of the similar issues you had to us in the first year? Did your DS have poor social interaction / was very demanding or had movement difficulties? What has helped? You're right, at the moment i feel as if I will never be happy again.

Yes his social interaction was poor, he didn't smile for ages and then even when he did start smiling he didn't do it normally for a long time - e.g. wouldn't just smile at seeing you or if someone said hello to him (so many excruciating moments when strangers in shops and stuff would try and interact with him like a normal baby and he would just stare at them unsmiling!). He is still very suspicious of strangers but has lots of smiles for people he knows, he can't speak but his understanding is good and he will 'chat' in his own way, laugh, ask for things by pointing etc. He was also much more demanding than a normal baby - hated being in car seat, buggy etc, couldn't be put down to entertain himself - he started improving from about 6 months though. As for cuddles it depends on his mood - sometimes he is relaxed enough to snuggle in and have a cuddle but if you get him at the wrong time he arches back and stiffens and won't cuddle at all.

DS also constantly wants to be on the move (which makes him more hard work but I think is a very good thing as it means he keeps trying till he does something!) and is MUCH happier now he is a bit more mobile and more confident in his body. He has CP ('officially' diagnosed when he was one, but it was obvious much earlier) but he is making pretty good progress (much better than I would have predicted in my wildest dreams even 6 months ago) and can crawl, pull to stand and cruise a bit - all v. wobbly but he is getting stronger and it is his own determination which is getting him there.

Do you have physio, ot etc? What has helped I guess is doing physio, stretches etc which I think has helped him be more comfortable in his body, also recently we have started seeing a great ot who is doing more sensory stuff with him which I think is helping a lot. I think a lot of it is just him maturing as well. For instance, he goes to an early years special needs group and until 2 weeks ago, the singing part at the end would every week cause him to go into absolute screaming crying hysterics for some reason. They told us to keep on with it but to be honest I had no hope of him ever improving. Then, last two weeks - out of the blue - he's completely fine with it! It was the same with the car seat - I was practically housebound for a while due to the unbearable screaming in the car, and I thought it would never improve - then he got over it and now he actually likes going out in the car, sits in the back smiling and chatting away to me. I think the more control he gets of his body the more he is becoming able to deal with his emotions as well.

Going back to work will be great for you to give you a break. You will be happy again, I won't lie and say it is an easy road, but you will xxx

Also, please have a look at this - from a blog by an american mum with a gorgeous little boy (now 7) who had a stroke at birth:

lovethatmax.blogspot.com/2009/12/word-to-new-moms-in-honor-of-maxs.html

Hope the link works ok haven't try to post one on here before!

monkey,my heart goes out to you.Yes my son did not make eye contact and I did resent absolutly everything.Why did it happen to me?I was also suffering from severe depression at the time,convinced that it would result in a brain damaged baby.I wish I had told the doctor,even my dh read in the notes that i should /could have prevented my son `s disabilities.He is very very hard to care for as he has massive behaviour problems.Anyway after such a terrible beginnig I have hung in there and my son is 22.I work full-time and always have,in those days no dla till 7 and the day nurseries just flatly refused to take a handicapped baby as they put it.
I still suffer from severe depression but I would say that my son gives me a lot of joy and Life has been very interesting and quirky.I wish it hadnt happened of course,but its amazing what you can cope with.I had a daughter a year after my son and she has made up for a lot,also it really deepened the relationship with my husband.Another thing,little things give me such great pleasure.Please go with the flow and if you want to grieve or vent do it.You will be amazed how much joy your son will give you,tho it doesnt feel like it now.Take care,you are not alone.

Hi Monkey, just want to say..hang in there.
I was where you are and it's a horrible horrible place to be. My son didn't smile, didn't make eye contact, preferred not to be held.. no interaction.. and frankly I hated him at times.

I remember sobbing to my DH that I wanted him to be adopted as I would never be able to form a bond with him.

It turned out he had visual maturational delays (as well as other problems) .his eyes could see but his brain wasn't making the connections. It gradually improved (he was nearly one before he smiled at us) but slowly he began to interact. It took me about 18m to start loving him.. but he is the light of our lives now.. and a loving gentle 13 yr old.. yes with disabilities.. but definitely worth hanging in there for:)

For me also, going back to part time work saved my sanity.. it gave me a break from him, and a different environment where I wasn't constantly forced to see 'normal' babies and feel sad. Eventually the depression passed:)

Don't worry about the bond not being there yet, it will eventually come.. be kind to yourself..

Hi there

Have been there and understand how overwhelmed you feel. Although I bonded with my son, I too felt depressed, anxious, unhappy and obsessed with BRAIN DAMAGE
I found talking with friends, family and support agencies all helped as did research on CP/other likely difficulties. By 8 months old my son was seeing physio/ot/teachers and that really helped me too.
My son has CP and signifigant support needs but the reality has been nothing like the horror I imagined twenty years ago and I can't imagine anything different now.
DS now an adult, and a source of great joy and love to many, many people as I am sure your son is and will be.
Just take every day as it comes just now and make sure you get as much rest, support and time to yourself that you can.

A hopefully reassuring case...

A lady i know has CP. She was abandoned as a tiny baby and has been in institutions all her life - 50+ years. She has never had OT, physio, speech therapy etc, uses a walker/wheel chair, has no speech and needs help with all the intimate care stuff.

She is the happiest, smiliest human being imaginable. She loves to clap, have her hands tickled, draw, cook, go for a walk, feed the ducks. Up until about 4 years ago she was thought to have no communication. That is bollocks. She is very clear on what she wants help with - and when she is fine on her own.

She is, secretly, my favourite of the people i work with. She loves to pat my hair when I'm helping her to sit, especially if I've got my pink woolly hat on. She blows kisses when she wants to say "thank you for just being nice to me".

The point I am trying to make is that she was probably much like your DS at his age - without the amazing support a loving mummy can give. Whether he shows it or not at the moment, he loves you far far more than the lady I know, and she's pretty damned affectionate to staff she likes

Thanks for all your words of support - it means a lot.

In my heart I believe I will eventually be able to get to a place where i can enjoy DS and accept him but I'm still traumatised and like you all say, probably need a lot more time and support. This is difficult when he is so demanding and I sometimes wish I could fast-forward a year (to hopefully a better place??!). My DH is amazing and I need to hold on to that. I think a lot about having another baby, but know it's a reaction rather than an answer (also had problems conceiving and am not in a fit state mentally to go through it again yet).

Hi Monkey

I know nothing any of us say will help you feel any better right now, but I just had to add my voice to the others by saying that it's ok and probably normal to feel the way you are now.

My son is quadriplegic CP with no speech (he's 3) though in the early days of course we didn't know what we'd be dealing with.

It's such a difficult time when you don't really know what to do, it seems too early to really look into things and in many ways, you're not into that 'special needs' world, which will soon be your parallel universe to your other normal world.

All you know is that your life is suddenly totally and utterly different from your other friends and family with babies. I always used to remember that people tried to be supportive and I tried to play along - I'd go for coffee with friend with her baby but I couldn't even put DS down or he'd start screaming and wouldn't keep sleeping once we'd stopped moving anywhere, just generally anti-social. They seemed to have life so easy and I couldn't get away from this voice inside that wanted to scream at them 'you have no idea how lucky you are, this is so UNFAIR'. I thought my life was over, that I'd never be able to work again etc.

But while it's hard to convince you that you will ever get over this, please believe that you will. It's true that the sadness never goes and I still can't bear to be at events with NT children. Once your DS is a bit older and you can see his personality more, it will be easier to bond, I promise.

Just remember to count to ten every time someone tells you 'you'll love him anyway' or 'just enjoy him'....the stock answers of (mainly) older women......

Hi Sookie,sorry to butt in here but how I wish I could have read your comment when my son was the same age.I felt identical.I really wish I had avoided any coffee groups.Like you said I played along.One friend really wounded me by saying that I had not accepted what had happened and another said that I was in shock,and that it had not hit me yet.It had hit me from the time we knew he was severely brain damaged and I was just going along with everything,playing along as you put it.Like you I wanted to scream you have no idea how lucky you are and this is so unfairIt comforts me a lot to read your comments.Also what a little miracle he was to survive,er no.I wish we had a choice,we didnt.He was blithley resusitated over and over without any consultation with us.Sorry to upset anyone reading this,as we do love him very much,but I wish it hadnt had happened.Your comment was written by someone who truly has knowledge-thanks.Monkey seven months is no age.My son has come in from his Day Centre aged 22 and we just adore him,we really do,and that`s from someone who was struggling much more than you!