I am worn out, at the end of my tether and now feel like shit

[TheLadyEvenstar]

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh i have had enough i am sick of fing trying to make ds1 fucking happy. everything i do or suggest is thrown back in my face., he is constantly rude and ignorant. treats me like a fuking c, i have had enough.
i warned him this morning that if he didn't stop i would be removing one of his xmas presents from his pile - so he carred on misbehaving and pushing his luck. so i said right thats it you are not havin your big present.
so he stood there goading me and constantly asking for me to tell him what it was after 35 minutes i broke and shouted at him
it was a f*ing laptop you ignorant git and now you won't be getting it
his response?
"i don't care"
why did i tell him ffs now i can't give it to him and i am so bloody angry at myself.
i am worn out
and all this because ds2 is unwell and i can't take them out today ffs

And yes I know I have to make allowances because he has ODD and possibly ASD but come on he is old enough to know right from wrong and surely not all children with ASD behave this way EVERY day?

sorry about the swearing, it is not something i do normally

Sorry you have had a crap morning.

I have nothing useful to say other than to sympathise. It is bloody hard sometimes knowing what to make allowances for and what they should be able to do. I have a DS with AS and sometimes I know I expect too much of him and other times not enough.

Is your DS alright at school or does he behave the same way everywhere?

You are seriously stressed, I used to be like this with Dd1 and she always yelled I don't care, whatever sanction I gave her.

I was really lucky to work in an inner city school where I recieved loads of training in managing volatile[sp] situations.

I learnt to walk away and take a deep breath. I also learnt to choose my battles.

It is a long time until christmas, maybe it would be possible for him to earn the laptop back??

You don't say how old he is but
he probably does know right from wrong but he is in a spiral of bad behaviour and conflict with you and you both need help to calm things down.

There are loads of people on here with loads of knowledge and hopefully someone else will come along with some ideas.
Be kind to yourself and don't give up.

That was what I was thinking actually. There is plenty of time for him to improve his behaviour between now and Christmas so that he can have the laptop. Does he ever respond to bribes/incentives?

He knows that saying "I don't care" will push your buttons, and unfortunately it seems like that is what he is trying to acheive. I bet he kicks himself in a day or two when he realises he isn't getting it :(

It's the hardest thing in the world, but reacting = giving him what he wants, even though that seems weird when he's trying to get into trouble.

Can you get some time out for yourself and then do something enjoyable with him? I found that a really good game with a drama group I ran was shouting Shakespearean insults at each other. The point of that was to get them to express emotion when they were acting (years 4+5) but, if he likes it when you shout at him maybe you could have a silly insult competition, with a prize for the silliest insult? If nothing else, some of the daft things might make you giggle and feel better

I am sat here in tears, yes I am stressed. I am tired as well.

DS1 is 12, hence why i say he is old enough to know right from wrong.

I have been able to ignore so much in the last month or so and yet today I just broke and shouted at him, He had been on the go and on one since 8.30 this morning.

I need to find something to get us through times like this.

i feel awful having told him what his main pressie is

I have given him the chance to earn it back and he just smirked and walked off

He will be acting tough about losing the laptop now. He will probably regret it later. Bide your time on that one.

Can you take it back to where you bought it? If he really isn't bothered, he doesn't deserve it and if he is bothered hopefully he will, after a cooling off period, work to earn it back.

I bought it on Amazon, won it in the black friday deals woohoo

I will hang on to it, and hopefully he will buck his ideas up.

The problem is I don't know where to put the allowances in tbh.

where the normal behaviour for a 12yr old. the ODD and AS stops starts or combines or am I expecting too much?

Can you take some time out today, even if it's to go for a walk in the snow or something? I totally empathise, my lot can drive me to total distraction as well.

If you can't take time out can you at least be left alone for half an hour with a cuppa/drink/large bar of chocolate?

Perhaps this is something that doesn't need to be sorted out right this minute?

Knowing what his present is may not be that big a deal to him - he may have guessed anyway? and more importantly he has been given the chance to earn it back, when you feel calmer, more confident and in charge then you can agree the rules for earning it back. I think you have been fair.

Dont beat yourself up about not being the Mary Poppins/Truly Scrumptious type of mummy that's in movies, nobody could maintain that kind of nice-ness! x

Helens, unfortunatly I cannot get out until this evening when DP is coming to have the boys so I can go out, DS2 is poorly and asleep....even that I feel guilty about atm going out when he is unwell.

No it isn't needing to be sorted out right now, because I am atm an emotional wreck.

As I said I just wish I knew if I was expecting too much. If there is a defining line between the behaviours or whether it is all combined.

I don't think you are expecting too much for him to treat you properly and not to wind you up. Even if they don't get why they are following rules, they know how to follow them. He sounds to me like he knows exactly what he is doing.

I suppose the other difficulty is understanding why he is behaving this way. Has something triggered all this off? Difficult to put yourself in their shoes I know because we don't think in the same way as they do and it sometimes difficult to predict what is going to have an impact but I suppose that is difficult whether the child has SN or not!!

What is he up to now? Are you able to put some space between you? Can you just let him do something he wants to do for some peace. Play on a computer game or something even if he isn't normally allowed. I am all for getting your peace where you can find it.

Niecie, this is my failing. I am strict possibly too strict.

Hmm - ok right now he is doing the dishwasher which is what he had been asked to do in the first place albeit during 12 trips to his bedroom, kicking his football up the hallway (a big no no in my house), he is doing it.

The thing is I am the total opposite of him if i want something done I want it done NOW not in 3 hours time iyswim?

I do expect a lot in that sense.

I don't understand why he behaves the way he does, tbh it has been so long of me being told it "was a phase" by dr's that I just got used to coping as best I can.

Yep, kwym, I don't that there is a defining line between behaviours as such, my ds2 has hfa/adhd and I don't look upon 'oh that's the such and such' unless I have to explain to some prat (normally in dp's family) that him standing on the sofa swinging from a curtain is explained by his adhd!; so it's difficult.

However, ds2 attends a s&L unit and his teachers who work with him to help with his difficulties also expect a level of good behaviour from him and have pointed that out to me when I have been too soft (and I am too soft and overcompensate at times!). I think if your gut instinct is telling you that your ds has crossed a line this weekend then you know him best, particularly if you don't think,as Niecie says, something has triggered him off.

I've probably crossed posted again because it takes me so long to get my thoughts together but a bit of space between you and ds would be a good thing to re-charge your batteries - I am also all for getting peace when you can find it ... spoke too soon, now have to go to the shops and buy sweets x

Firstly.. Don't beat yoursf up.. This is repairable and blimey George you are human.. And trying to parent beyond the parenting manual!

Ds gets like this ( and is the same age) so I talked to him about it.. ( sorry but I use every thing I can about socially acceptable and other issues that I can )... What he says

" oh boy.. Losing a laptop isn't good... Sounds like you ( me) sometimes!... I say I don't care when I di and really I need a hug or quiet time.. But I'm so mad!...
Why doesn't he earn it back by being good.. Brushing his teeth, going to calm space instead of blowing etc...
And when he's earnt enough for the laptop back.. He'll get a nice suprise at Christmas and be happy he earnt it back...
But there isn't any point talking to him about it today.. I would still be mad to start with and madder that I lost a laptop ( actually he went on about how mad he would be for a while lol)..
Do they use the scales of justice? Cos he could use that .. Tell that mum what I said.. "

hth a tiny bit

TACC, Your DS sounds adorable!

So what are the scales of justice?

Also I don't mind you talking to him about it it actually helps to get someone elses perspective on it....especially someone the same age as DS1.

Evenstar, you have our sympathies. I have shouted similar. ODD and AS, make for difficult parenting. cut yourself some slack here.
Listen to Arsenic. she talks sense. Cornsilk was singing her praises at the MN Xmas Do last night.

I just want to understand iyswim?

There was no need for the way he was today - mind you is there ever any need?
and I feel awful for shouting.

Oblomov .. Omg!

okay scales of justice.. It's in the complete guide to aspergers by tony attwood.. So if you have a copy about it will explain it a whole lot better than I can.

Basically it's a visual for who did what and how that made them feel and esculated the issue.
But your ds would appoint the blocks each person earnt. ( you do have to wait for a good ish mood to do this though).

Say ds ds1 and dd all had a barney! .. I've shouted .. And all hell broke loose!

I get a piece of paper.. Draw columns for each person down the paper.. Then we start from the bottom.

Dd whinged at ds1 because he wouldn't play..( ds thinks that's worth 1/2 a block.. So we draw it on... But then ds1 poked dd and made her squeal ( a noise ds hates).. So ds1 gets one whole block.. It wasn't dds fault she squealed .. So no blocks there...
But then ds hated the noise.. But he rudely shouted and hit dd.. So he gets two blocks.. One for reacting in the wrong way and one for hitting.. I get given a block for shouting.. Because actually I should have dealt with it in a better way.

Etc etc .. At the end each person has a number of blocks for their part.. At each point we write down what we should have done.. And talk about how we could have repaired the issue!

Hope that makes sense :)

Good strategy, Arsenic! I shall remember that one, thank you

Purple it's quite hard work lol .. And it's not really about putting the blame on one person.. More what we should have done at at what points.. And just to get everyone to think really.

It can be used to justify a 'punishment' .. We like to use it to ask ds what the outcome should be.. Does someone need 5 mins off screentime..and repair someones feelings.. Or do they just need to say sorry and think next time.

It is not perfect at all. But it's the best thing I've come across.

I was trained to do life-space interviews, which is pretty similar to what you describe but with less structure. Seeing your Scales of Justice gives me some ideas for how to introduce the concept if I need to in future. LSI's are difficult, as you say, because it's hard to deliberately bring up a person's anger without rekindling it or provoking it iyswim. Apportioning responsibility through discussion would work really well with how I do things anyway I think, and be less uncomfortable because it can be treated more like a game :)

Wow that sounds great, I will have to put that into practice----sure will save my voice .

Eveningstar.. Start off using it for little more simple things :) .. And you can also reward for good responses too..
Say I had not shouted.. But used a strategy instead.. Then I would get any blocks.. But my name would be written dowfork have 10 mins of something I like..:)

purple.. :)

There may be a better explination if you google tony attwood scales of justice.

I will do, and thanks!!

You explained it very well .