Dd's meltdowns, getting worse.

[Marne]

Dd's understanding of language is improving so much sinse starting school but meltdowns and tantrums seem to be happening more often.

Last night she screemed the house down. She has a bed time routine which needs to be stuck to, she has dummy for bed and i give her a spare (incase she drops the first one), i then go down stairs and she shouts for another dummy, i give in and give her another. Last night she had a meltdown because one of the dummys had a hole it it (because she bit it) and i could not find another without a hole in it (dh and i were searching as she screemed louder and louder), eventually we found one and she stopped crying, then it started all over again because she wanted a biscuit .

Then this morning she asked for a sandwich at 8am and screemed the house down because i said 'no', in the end dh gave in as we didn't want the neighbours knocking on our door because of dd's screeming.

This seems to be happening more and more, i'm sure she understands 'no' and 'all gone' but gets in such a state when we say them.

Now she has had a sandwich this morning she will expect it everyday, how can we stop these routines being put in place (and sticking) without dd screeming the house down?

Hi I'm sorry I don't really have any suggestions but just want to let you know you're not alone. I go through this with DS and dummies and other requests because I can't cope with his shouts, screams and kicking of walls and doors, live in a tiny, modern mid terrace with paper thin walls.
Hope someone has some good ideas for you.

DS2's meltdowns have probably increased somewhat since school started, but I think it's mainly because he is more tired and overstimulated during the school day, so more likely to meltdown in the evening.

I am trying to gauge whether or not what he is asking for is worth the battle sometimes. If DS2 was demanding a sandwich for breakfast, I'd probably let him have one. I look at it this way - an egg mayo sandwich is basically 2 pieces of bread, some egg (and mayo) which is really the equivalent of an egg and 2 pieces of toast, which most would consider a decent breakfast, right? So I wouldn't worry too much about it. Now cake every morning for breakfast would be a no-no, but then I'd try to find something cake-like that was nutritious as well, such as banana bread perhaps, and let him have that with his breakfast. He gets what he wants, but then so do you as he is eating healthy still.

Some requests, obviously, can't be solved that way, such as the dummy request. But even if you can compromise (or find a clever way to give them what they want while still sticking to what you want them to have) through SOME of the meltdowns, it's half the battle, right?

We found that the 'No ' induced meltdown was a bid for control.. If ds could utterly control his environment it was a nicer place for him. ( sod everyone else).

We found that if he knew what to expect then it was a little better.. we will entertain some, what I call ' control routines' .. But only if they fit in with us.
So bedtime is worth it and so is his morning routine before school. But if he decides that x has to happen ( a bit like the sandwich thing) and it doesn't improve the majorities life.. Then it's no. And we just ride it out.

This morning we were having a different breakfast.. So we let ds chose what he wanted last night.. This morning he knew what to expect.. So all was okay.
Iyswim.

Positive re-enforcement works well as does sticking to what you say, and riding out the meltdown.

I know that is not much help :(

It's not easy is it- It is so hard not to set routines in place- at one point ds wanted his supper in the garden every night because we did it once when it was a nice evening(went on for weeks)- we are always on the lookout for things that will become routine,but they catch you by surprise-ds too has communication problems,but does know 'now' and 'next' and the signalong signs-in the case of the sandwich I would try breakfast(whatever it is you want her to eat)now ,sandwich next-or later- ds,too will still get into states and it is hard- good luck

Thank you, dh gave her toast first which she ate but continued to ask for a sandwich, she has got into the habbit of having a biscuit before she goes to sleep and it has to be a 'party ring' biscuit or she has a meltdown.

We often just let her have what she wants but this worries me as life isn't like that, she will have to learn that she can't always have what she wants. Every time i sit down she asks for something so i'm up and down all day and then i get dd1 asking 'why can't i have xxx?' so whatever dd2 gets dd1 wants.

I agree with triggles about choosing your battles- We have had screaming at the word no - but sometimes you do just have to ride it out - It does get to the point where you want to give in,but if you always do,you always will have to - and obviously it's not helping family life

I would agree with riding the meltdowns out, she is little at the moment but she will get big.

One of the things we did wrong when Dd3 was little was if she refused to move we would just pick her up. Now she is a large 8 year old we don't have this option and have had some huge meltdowns over moving when she doesn't want to.

I wonder if we had trained her when she was little we wouldn't have had such a struggle recently.

Good luck and stay strong

Oh and forgot to say Loads of praise, stickers, or whatever when she stops screaming.

Obviously there are going to be some things that you just can't compromise on, especially where safety is concerned, and you just have to ride out the meltdown (and hope that in time it lessens). Thankfully, DS2's room is pretty much childproofed and has a safety gate (which he can't open), so if he has a massive meltdown, we can take him to his room and give him some time to meltdown in peace and come to terms with it. (His bedroom door is never closed, as he doesn't like it, hence the safety gate)

I agree that I don't like to give in simply because he has a meltdown, and generally don't. But if he asks for something, and it's reasonable, I will at the very least consider it. I often think "ok, would I agree to this if one of the other children asked for this?" as well. So often that does factor in, so that I'm not agreeing just because it's DS2 asking. Because of his eating issues, I try not to let myself get to hung up on which meals are appropriate for what time of day. If he wants to have a sandwich at breakfast and cereal and toast for tea that evening, I'm not going to stress over it, as those kind of things don't usually last too horribly long - especially when he sees we're having something he likes for tea that night.

Occasionally distraction (he's obsessed with numbers and letters) works to prevent a meltdown on things that routinely inspire them, such as leaving somewhere he really likes. Then it's "oh, can you count to ...." and he's off counting and doesn't notice where we're going.

Positive reinforcement does work well with DS2, as well as prior warning - such as "when this programme is done, we're going to ...." or "when we're done reading this story, we're going to ... " or the now/next stuff. He knows what's coming, so it's not so threatening a change to him.