SLD and funerals

[r3dh3d]

My father passed away today after a fairly gruesome week in a coma in ITU.

My mother will want to start planning the funeral tomorrow and I need to take a view before then what I want wrt the kids. It will be a short service at the crematorium so DD2 (NT, nearly 5) should come ... I think. Not at all sure about DD1 (6.5, developmental age of about 8 months). On the one hand, they were super-close. On the other, she will have NO idea what is going on and is going through a "screams when bored" phase. Both the kids came into ITU (virtually over the dead body of the consultant but that's a whole other story ) and DD1 actually handled that part amazingly.

WWYD?

Honestly? I think that there is no point taking a child who will not understand at all what is happening.

imo, funerals are for the living to say goodbye. It's not about 'respecting the dead' or anything - again, just my pov - it's to somehow comfort the living. A final, ceremonial goodbye. Closure, call it what you will.

I just think there's no reason to take someone who won't 'benefit' (iyswim) from going and who might, through no fault of their own, create a lot of noise - don't know how nice / tolerant / understanding other guests are? When people are upset sometimes they can be rather unreasonable.

My grandad died recently. Both my children (autistic) attended the funeral because they understood and wanted to go. They didn't go to my Grandma' funeral a couple of years before because at that point, they didn't understand and, tbh, they were very screamy at that time and would have been unable to sit. Himself would have ended up rushing them out.

But it's one of those things that everyone has to decide for themselves. You must weigh it all up and do what feels right for you.

I am sorry for your loss, r3.

I think if it were me, I'd take dd1 along. But then she is not so severely delayed, and we would be able to talk to her about the day afterwards, and use it to remind her of what had happened when she wanted to know where the person had gone.

What is the rest of your family like, wrt accepting dd1? Are there any members who are likely to comment/getupset/think it inappropriate?

What is your mum likely to think? If this was about your dh's father's funeral, for eg, (assuming similar relationship), what would your mum advise you to do?

Forus, as part of making snese of it all, we would be making a photobook for dd1, so we could talk through the day afterwards.

And there would no doubt be lemon-suckers in my family, but I would not give a shit (uness it was likely to upset key people, ie your mum)

do you think it would be important for your dd1? If only so you would have something to say (whether she understands it or not) when she asks for your dad.

Sorry to hear about your father.

I wouldn't take any child to a funeral - especially not one with SNs.

They've said their goodbyes already.

I'm in my fifties and have never been to a funeral.

I'm very sorry about your dad r3. I would be guided by what your mum wants, I agree with Hecate's second paragraph about the funeral being about the needs of the surviving relatives.

so sorry for your loss r3.

it is hard to know what to do for the best and I think I would ask what your mum thinks too and be very led by her. Personally I'd take your dd2 so long as she's well prepared and understands what is going to happen, I found having my dcs at my mums funeral a huge comfort and dd3 (sn) was probably at a similar stage. Do you think your dd1 would be ok if she saw you upset, how would you feel if part way through you had to take her out or do you have a friend that would take her out for you?

i suppose it depends on your family and how accepting they are, my sister died suddenly after an epileptic seizure and the funeral was last saturday
i of course took ds and my cousins son who is in his twenties and has SLD was there as was my sisters son and several other children.
it wasnt totally quiet, there was a wee bit of shouting out and the odd bit of crying which wasnt entirely out of place.
the way we saw it was they are part of our family and to be honest there was no one else to take care of them as everyone was there!
my sister wouldnt have minded and neither did anyone else to be honest, at times it was a nice distraction.

glittery - so sorry about your sister.

Thanks folks. No decision so far, largely because arranging the funeral is going to be a bit more drawn-out than I hoped: mum is definite about cremation and there seems to be some sort of backlog at the local crematoriums atm. Odd.

I'll talk to mum. I think she'll have a far more positive attitude having seen how well DD1 handled seeing dad in ITU. But we're a tiny family and most of the attendees will be my father's old work colleagues with a fair % of lemon-suckers; she knows them better than me so can judge. The good thing about DD1 going (apart from me facing this with my whole family) is DD1 carer can come too and cos she knew & liked my dad I'm guessing she'd want to. But if people staring is going to make my mum uncomfortable that trumps everything else, really.

Sorry about your sister, glittery - and glad you had the people you love around you to see her off.