Really shaken up at the moment!

[Rockmaiden]

I'm a newbie, not really posted much and more of a lurker but really shaken up at the moment.

My son (ASD/ADHD/GDD and possibly ODD) just tried to kill his sister.

He wrapped a dressing gown over her head and sat on it to th point that she was gasping for breath when I dragged him off her.

What would have happened if I hadn't have walked in?

Please tell me it gets better!

not sure how old your son is - but you do need to start discussing with his therapists etc. maybe look into something like a 'safe space' that he can use whilst he is unsupervised? what have school said? do they have any concerns about violent or unpredictable behaviour?

do you get respite? if not, time to start campaigning so that you can get some down time - being constantly on watch is exhausting.

do you know what triggered it? do you think it was just playing and he didn't realise the consequences, or was it a deliberate attack? has he been under additional stress?

i'm sure there will be more practical suggestions along shortly.

how old is dd? is she ok? it must have been very scary for her - is she old enough to understand about her brother's issues? there are usually sibling groups etc that she might be able to access - for some downtime herself and also to talk stuff through with others in similar situations etc.

It is very distressing and scary when a child does something unexpected and dangerous, but I agree that you need to analyse what happened logically.
How old are your children?
Do you truly think he intended real harm to his sister, or was he acting in the moment without thought of consequences?
Was he angry at the time?
Things often do get better, but you need to understand exactly what triggers you are dealing with, and the level of understanding your son has is crucial to this.

Thanks, just really shocked by it.

My son is 6 and my daughter 8, she is well aware of his problems but he has never been violent towards her before.

He does have a history of being extremely violent to pupils at school however.

School were also shocked at how far this went, my son apears clueless and I very much doubt he meant real harm by it.

His response was that he was trying to keep her warm ??

There didn't appear to be any trigger at all, they were watching a video together so nice calm and quiet time and she stood up to go the toilet, he then dragged her down and put the dressing gown ove her.

She is pretty shaken up by it and keeps saying, I couldn't even scream, so I am guessing he had her pretty tightly.

He seems to have amazing strengh at times which dosn't help.

I don't get respite no, it has been a long up-hill struggle just to get someone to accept my son has problems and i'm not a paranoid parent making it all up.

New rule in the house however is that no-one is ever alone together. I am lucky that my daughter is old enough to understand and accept that but yes it is tiring having to always keep watch.

The school have re-contacted CAMHS to try and get some support in place and also had to report to social services as my dauguter is now classed as in danger.

that's all good. not something you wanted to happen, but camhs/ ss involvement will be a help if you need to access respite further down the road.

can school get the ep to do any assessments whilst you wait for camhs? do you have access to any outreach services, NAS etc? it might be worth getting in touch with your local group and see if anyone has any similar local experiences/ how best to approach ss etc.

RM I am just going to offer hugs, it's a situation we've been in more than once and it sucks.

You do need to ask for help- and keep screaming. We've got very little but a chance meeting with a specialist for our otehr disabled child here I broke down a little and a few doors opened.

It's shite and scary but we're ehre for you

Once u get camhs involved, and since he is 6, u can discuss medication , ask about strattera, ritalin and risperidone. I had all these discussed with me about my asd boy. I feel for you, gd luck.

DS is 7, he has ADHD ?ASD but not GDD. He is often violent to his sister and last year I was in tears every time I drove past the local jail, as I was getting more and more scared that he'd kill her eventually.

We do a short time-out for any violence however minor, and a lot of work on 'things that are dangerous and not allowed'. I've reduced his anxiety and overload. I've organised some after school care for DD who is now trained to run away before things escalate or if I tell her to 'stay safe'. I'll probably get flamed for this next bit, as it's a very high risk strategy, but it helped us (I think, fingers crossed it's not going to backfire later).

We talked a lot about police, courts, jail. That a 10 year old could be convicted and 'sent to jail'. I showed him a police station & the windows into the cells. We went to the crown court (outside, obviously). I point out the local prison whenever we pass it.

We then talked about assault causing injury or death, and that these could happen whether or not you intended it. And that even if no-one got hurt, you could still go to jail for violence. And that he could have no sister, and be in jail, and mummy would be very sad all the time. And I kept on and on and on about these concepts till he finally got it.

So... he still hits her and I wouldn't leave them alone most of the time. But I'm more hopeful cos the frequency and severity of the episodes is diminishing and he understands that violence is bad, it can be worse than you intend and you get in very big trouble.

Thanks for the help everyone.

Unfortunately I think I can forget about social services help, as soon as the incident was mentioned to them they came down on me like a ton of bricks as though I had done something wrong to cause my son to have these problems!

I have been told that I have to get an alarmed safety gate and baby monitors to ensure that my son does not leave his bedroom at night and they are coming out next week to investigate further.

I feel like i'm on bloody trial and starting to wish I hadn't said anything, really worried now that they will see my daughter as 'at risk' and open up a whole load of issues.

Anyone had this and any advice?

rock - you need to contact your local nas and any specialists your son sees. there will be charities that help you fund the necessary equipment (that's what i was referring to earlier when i mentioned you need a 'safe space'). they will talk you through some ideas on different adaptations.

this is all good. it's not pleasant but it's good that they are taking it seriously and coming out. you need to ask them for an ot assessment of your home - ss will have their own ot that will carry out home assessments (ask if she can come out with the ss team next week) and will recommend the adaptations you need to make to your home to make it safe for your son and your daughter. then you can discuss funding - nas will know which charities usually stump up for 'safe spaces' etc in your area.

you aren't on trial - you are trying to ensure the safety of your children.

i would also give his paed's secretary a call and ask if you can have a cancellation appointment as you need to discuss some new behaviours and appropriate ways of managing.

it's not nice - but you are being pro-active. use this incident to force them to start helping.

and again - contact your local nas. have you had anything to do with them before? they are usually lovely, and often have a wealth of experience of similar situations, as well as knowledge of how similar stuff has been dealt with locally - and know the best way round the system.

it's fine. standard practice.

Just thought I would post a quick update.

Had the Cahms appointment which went really well, lovely lady who gave me so much advice.

I feel like I am better informed now which is certainly helping with parenting my son.

Thank you for all your advice once again!

Hi rockmaiden. Glad things are a bit better.

Glad you are getting some support from CAHMS.