Do I let my ASD ds go along to party?

[macwoozy]

I don't know what to do. My ASD ds has been invited to a party. He's in year 1 and this will be his first real party with his classmates. I promised myself that this school year I will make every effort to allow him to go to all parties that he's invited to. He actually only gets invited to the ones when the whole class is invited anyway. But already I have broken my promise to myself and thought it better not to let him go to the last party which involved bowling. Would have been an absolute nightmare, what with the noise, having to wait his turn, having to sit still in one place and god forbid if he couldn't get any skittles down, it would have been horrendous, he just wouldn't be able to cope with all of that.

The future party is actually in someones house. I've never spoken to the mum, I don't know if she even knows that ds is autistic. He needs constant supervision which would mean that I would have to go along. But how can I just invite myself? What if he's unbearable and ruins the whole day for everyone else.? What if I can't even control him? And one horrible thought, what if the mum is secretly hoping he's not going to be coming. Help, what do I do? Refuse him another party or just grit my teeth and pray that he doesn't ruin it for everyone else.

Why don't you speak to the mum - do you have the phone no. to respond to the party invite?

By phoning, she will know and you will be able to gauge her reaction by her response

I would explain, so that in the event something does kick off, you'll be able to leave or whatever and maybe feel more comfy with it.

Personally I would have no issue with any parent staying at a party for whatever reason.

Definitely let him go. What are his needs? What sort of supervision does he need? Does he have 1:1 at school?

Yes, he has constant 1:1, but that's only recently as his behaviour has been very challenging since starting his new year. I watched him at his last xmas school party and he found it so upsetting, he just couldn't 'get' the typical party games, like musical bumps, etc, and then became so very hard to manage.

What do I say to the mum on the phone? I would have to explain he's autistic, but it would be hard to gauge her reaction. I mean, would anyone really be honest and say that they hadn't known that the child was autistic, and would in fact prefer him not to go for the sake of the other children?

I do totally understand your worries and fears but I think that if he would like to go, it would be best to take him along. I would definitely give the other mother a call first, though, and explain that you'd like to stay and keep an eye on him. I don't think you need to say that he has an ASD, if you don't want to, you could just say that he's not that used to going to other people's houses on his own (he's only Yr 1, that's still pretty young).

ARe there any aspects you are particularly worried about - food, games, etc? My DS1 had a big meltdown at his own party this year over the blowing out the candles and singing happy birtthday bit, which took me completely by surprise because I was unprepared for it, but then I was angry with myself because I really should have been. What do you think might be particular flashpoints with your DS?

Sorry, macwoozy, crossed posts with you.

I'd be surprised if a parent who has been decent enough to invite the whole class (which is a big deal! - I'd never be brave enough) would then "disinvite" your son because of his autism. But obviously I can't 100% guarantee that .

Speaking as the mother of 2 NT children, I'd say call, explain he is autistic and that you'll have to stay with him, and that he may not 'get' the party games and that his behaviour may become quite 'challening' (as you put it).

If I was that parent I'd probably be grateful for the call (in that I'd at least know what the situation was with him and I may even ask if there's any games that he does cope with - so that I could try to plan at least one that he could possibly join in with). But it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

As for you having to stay, I'm sure lots of parents (especially with children in infant school) stay at parties, and I don't think you'd be seen as 'intruding'.

When DS1 had his big meltdown, a lifesaver was a tube of bubbles which I had as a spare prize/present - DS1 went off and had a nice calming time on his own blowing bubbles. Is there some similar wind-down thing you could take for your DS (just in case)?

Macwoozy, no I don't think anyone would 'disinvite' or admit that it might be an issue for them, however if someone happily jumps in with 'look, no problem, love him to come, do what you need to do etc.', rather than' oh, err....right, er..... etc' then you'll have a better idea if they will be supportive of your situation.

I sincerely hope for yous ds sake, you get the former response.

QoQ, that would be my response exactly.

I'd try and locate the mother at the school gates if possible and talk to her face to face. Personally, I would have no problem with an autistic child coming to either DSs parties and would be more than happy for a parent/carer to stay to look after the child if this was best for them.

Agree with everyone here. Go for it, macwoozy. We'll all keep our fingers crossed for the parents being normal and lovely.

Alot of triggers dinosaur. I don't even know if he'd be capable sitting around a table for any length of time eating his food. At school they understand this, and have given him a sofa type chair at all times, even in the classroom. He is also incredibly fussy about food but I'm sure there would be something there that he'd enjoy. The noise could be a problem. But my biggest concerns would be his disruptiveness, him lashing out at other children, he never does it spitefully but thats no consolation for the other child though.

Yes I will speak to her and hope that I'll get the 'nice' response. At school they allow him time away from the other children to play with his toy cars, which has a calming effect. Might be a good idea to take some along.

Fingers crossed it doesn't go pear shaped.

I should say, my DS1 did go through a phase of being absolutely fine at other children's parties (he didn't get invited to many, and a couple of them were as DS2's big brother, but still). That's why it took me so much by surprise when he lost it at his own party this year.

tell her about the sitting at the table thing too - unless she's a real snob (like a few of the mum's at DS1's school) I don't see why she'd have a problem with him sitting eating his food elsewhere.

And unless he's got an enormous table they may not be sat at one to eat anyhow - certainly at DS1's party on Saturday - I put the food on the table, the kids got what they wanted, then some sat on the sofa, some went into the garden, and others just sat happily on the floor

Well I wouldn't worry about him sitting down for any length of time eating his food because in my experience of children's parties, most of them either pick at a tiny bit and then disappear, or fill their plates with all the sweet stuff, cram it down and then lurch off looking a bit queasy! Honestly, none of them sit and eat nicely! The mums I know have given up having sit-down birthday teas now and just do it all as a buffet - works much better.

I do understand about the lashing out but (a) nt children do this too, at this young age, albeit not so much and (b) it won't ruin the party for the others. At DS1's 5th birthday we invited another child from school who has Asperger's - we found his behaviour quite hard to manage (his dad left him at our house) but we coped, and no-one else's parents complained or anything even though there were several incidents - he got a bit territorial over the sandpit, bless him.

As the whole class is invited, they all know what he is like so would have an idea of how to behave around him wrt any lashing out etc. Definitely go for it and highlight any potential flash points with the mother. If you never try, you'll always be worried about parties.

dino has a good point about the lashing out. Only had 9 (including my own 2) at the party on Saturday, but there were plenty of tears and fights and none of them have any SN at all.

Exactly, Soupy.

Thank you QoQ. I think that sometimes we (well, me anyway) tend to assume that other people's nt children are all angelic and dead easy to manage. I don't know why I think that, as I have an nt DS2 of four who can be really hard work at times!

I just think it's stressful enough for any parent holding a party, I don't want to add to her problems. But reading all your responses has made me a bit more determined to grit my teeth and allow him to go. I can't bear him pleading with me anyway, I feel so sorry for him.

I'm kind of hoping that she's 'heard' about my ds anyway. Yes, you're right soupdragon, if I don't let him go, then I'm always going to be worried about parties and will never know how he reacts to one.

On the other hand, I could always get his dad to go instead of me, then I wouldn't find it so worrying

macwoozy

Is the party this weekend?

No, not for a few weeks so I've got plenty of time to work myself up to a frenzy

Any time you feel a frenzy coming on, you come and talk to us!

DS2 is invited to a party next week to which DS1 is kind of also invited but only as DS2's big brother. I think he'll opt to stay at home, somehow.

Thanks dinosaur, I will.

I hope ds2 has a good time, and DS1 if he decides to go along. Life would be so much easier without parties. I can't remember being invited to many as a child, but come to think of it maybe I wasn't as popular as I thought

Good luck with speaking to the mother, Macwoozy. From what others have said it looks as though it should all work out well.