Oh the horrors of the Christmas play!

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Hi everyone.

I'm really stuck with this one. My dd who's nearly 4 possibly has asd and will be in her first christmas play in a few weeks. I have to say i'm absolutely dreading it. I feel like such a terrible mother for saying that. I know I should me excited and proud, but I can't get the image of my dd running around the stage twirling round and round in circles and basically ruining it for everyone else. If she's in the right mood she'll probably do ok, but if she isn't I can picture the scene and it aint pretty!loads of screaming "I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!" etc. I read one thread with someone saying they wish that children with these problems didn't have to take part. The thing is, i'm not sure how I feel about this. I know all the other mums and dads will be sat there beaming with pride with a packet of tissues. I'm sure i'll have tissues, but for very different reasons.

I'm sure lots of you are having to face this inevitable dilema, so I was just wondering what your opinions were. Also, does anyone have any tips on how to maybe make the whole process go a little smoother. Just to make things more stressful, my dd doesn't like the role she's been given.GREAT!!! It's not girly enough for her and she's very jealous of the girls who got the girly, fairy roles. Most children would just sulk, but because of my dd's problems, she could potentially lose it on the day.

Any comments, advice or experiences much appreciated.

Thanks :)

Thanks everyone. Have to say those last few posts have made me feel a little more confident about the whole thing.

She had me in stitches earlier on because she appears to have made up her own christmas song. It goes along the lines of 'santa's in the sky, you must go to sleep, good boys and girls get presents!!!!santa's in the sky!!!!!' I have a feeling whatever they have taught her at pre school she will completely ignore and do her own version. We'll see on the day I guess.

I like how she's captured the importance of christmas and what it's really all about. Presents!

Spinkle - I don't really know how to answer your post without sounding like I'm having a go at you, and I'm really not, I'm sorry you feel like that and I have at times felt like that too, this probably all sounds really patronising, I don't mean it to be and I'm sure you don't spend your time moping about being sad about your son and how different he is

but...

I'm not going to cringe and cower at what my son might do - I don't care what his participating in something does to a performance, I only care about whether it was worth him doing it for him or not

my proud mummy moments for him aren't the same as the ones I have for my 'normal' child, but he's fought harder for them so damn right I'm going to beam at him

when he presented part of an assembly in primary school and we could only understand every second word because of his speech disorder, I clapped and smiled - because two years before it was more like every fourth word and I know how hard he practiced for weeks beforehand

in his last christmas play before leaving primary school he was sat at the front periodically picking his nose and getting distracted and facing the wrong way - but when he started that school he would have had a meltdown at having to have an audience watching him, so yep I was proud of him

yes he does stand out as different and yes he does suffer for it and he does at times get upset about how it affects him, but he picks himself up and dusts himself down and carries on anyway - and that's when I'm proudest of him...

I wasn't being flippant about all children being a bit odd (and they are, lol) or that it's ok because a 4 year old won't stand out that much from other 4 yr olds

I was more trying to say - don't worry so much about how your child appears to other people, if the OP's daughter wants to be in the play, she should be in the play and stuff how it affects the play, just concentrate on how it affects her daughter and the chances are that everyone else will be sitting concentrating on what their child does anyway

I couldn't tell you what the other children where doing while my son picked his nose, I couldn't tell you what the other children did in the nativity where my 'normal' daughter was mary and wouldn't take the baby from joseph because she didn't like him - just as I'm sure the other parents don't remember my children doing either of those things

if I spent my time being sad about how my son isn't the child I expected - I'd miss the good things

shrugs

there are things my son will never do, there are things that my son will never do the same as other children and yes that is sad sometimes, but if I took every event as a kick in the teeth about how he's different - I think I'd drive myself insane

Of course you are not having a go at me.

Of course I do not spend every walking moment mourning the fact that my son is not the child I expected.

There's loads of things about him which are lovely.

But the fact is is he is my only child. I cannot have any more. As a family everything about family life is limited to us; days out, trips to he supermarket, visitors, holidays. His problems affect every part of our lives. His anxieties and fears shape every decision.

Normal stuff is pretty much out for us.

Yes, that makes me incredibly sad, I cannot deny that.

When you get told your kid regularly upsets and terrifies other kids with his meltdowns at school, yes you do cower and yes, start thinking about wearing a false beard and dark glasses in the playground. Yes, I have got the impression from the other mums that he 'should be in a special school'.

I'd love to be a bit tougher about it and I most of the time I can brazen it out.

But sometimes I cannot.

I can only be honest.

Yes, I am a bit bitter.

tabularasa- very well put. I could really understand what you were saying.

spinkle- I can completely understand what you're saying aswell. I know that we all like to think of ourselves as a little(or rather large)group of parents who all understand each others problems and that we all know how the other one is feeling, but I suppose in reality we're all going to cope differently. For a start non of our children are the same, they all have their own unique issues, problems, whatever you want to call them. I suppose we just have to remember that we've all been to that "bitter" place and it's horrible. I guess sometimes I feel like everyday is like a christmas play in the sense that when you have a SN child, you and your child are always on show, certainly on the school run etc and that can be incredibly tough to take.

I'm dreading it as well. My dd (nt) came home today saying she was singing and dancing and needed a party outfit, easy enough . DS didn't say anything, letter said party outfit. I asked him what he was doing and he said he's sitting cuddling a teddy bear . He's probably right as well .

One year my ds was the nosepicker. Last year, school in their wisdom did a Shakespearean play combining yrs 3-6. Ds looked lost. This year, taking advice from this board, I asked the school what they are doing so I can prepare him - they are doing post-war celebrations. I think he will be involved in the cooking. I

I remember the Foudation Year christmas play - he looked so lost and dh and I felt such sadness at the end of it.

However, my NT dd last year just refused to sing and burst out crying at pre-school when the curtains opened and she saw all these people sitting there.

I have concerns too...dd asd aged 5 is in her first play next week but will miss rehearsal for speech therapy, she has been singing but not forming any correct words. She was recently diagnosed and many parents dont know, the school is very anti sn...unhelpfull at best. She is already stressed and reluctant to go to school and has a fear of santa so the next few weeks are a worry, I will support her and be proud but just hope for some understanding from others.

DS (ASD) 4.8 is going to be singing in his school play in 2 weeks times. DS attends a MS school with ASD Unit and i was staggered that he was taking part. Apparently, he has sat nicely in the practice sessions and tried to sing. I am worried that he will play up with us in the audience!!

At my nursery nativity last year a little girl was screaming and refused to go on stage and We asked her if daddy could go with her so she sat on her fathers lap for the performance no one minded,I ve had children refuse to wear the costume and so they have worn their own costume last year the wise men were followed into the stable by the cow, the sheep and the crocodile .If your DD is known to have these problems why on earth haven`t they given her one of the more girlie roles if that would help keep her happy.

As a teacher, I've been involved in many plays, nativity and otherwise. Good productions are the ones where all the children are as involved as they want to be. Teaching in a SLD school, I had every child in the school in the show. We achieved that by starting preparations 3 months before, the staff were sick of it, but the kids loved it.

Teaching in MS we've had NT kids refusing to go on, waving and mugging at their families, scratching at nits, picking noses/ scabs, and my personal favourite, a Wise Mann going very pale and puking in the piano. If a child is happy to be a part of a show, then they should be allowed to be a part of it, and it should be adapted so that they are able to take part. You have to be creative as a teacher, but there is no reason on earth for a willing child to be excluded.

(My DS1, who has HFA, is an Angel apparently. Methinks the blondness has fooled the teacher. )

One little lad I worked with at a SN school refused to go on stage for his class performance when he was in Y7, so sat underneath it playing the maracas.

I went to the same thing last year, and cried as I saw him walk across the stage to collect his certificates, shake hands with the head of the governors, bow to the audience and walk off, all with a massive on his face.

Ahhhh, purplepidjrobin, that brought a little tear to my eye. Bet you were so proud! :)

DS1's Teacher suggested to us DS1 not take part in the play and we initially agreed as he hates dressing up. We were slightly when on agreement his teacher said "oh good as we had another parent a couple of years ago who insisted their child [same dx as DS1] be included and it was a nightmare." as it wasn't out of concern for DS1 just the play. When we told people (family and various professionals) they were it had been suggested to us. so I changed my mind and asked for him to be included. I doubt he will go on stage and if he does he probably won't take part but I dunno just felt wrong to exclude him from it when he has to do all the rehearsals. They won't help him with dressing/make him do all sorts in the school day he doesn't like so pah to their cherry-picking. Don't think his teacher is impressed at all but he has been given a part as an Angel.

Mustbe, it really did. I'd actually left the school by then, but went back for the end of term assembly (public) to watch the Y11's I'd worked really closely with leave. His parents were in absolute floods; having gone through all the violent outbursts, exclusions from schools, etc etc their "little" boy was able to perform and behave in a crowded area in front of an audience

I store those little moments up for when I'm feeling down about life. Another one was a keyboy of mine with speech difficulties - I spent ages with him, teaching him to sing Walk This Way (I rewrote some of the dodgier bits, it was for a family event lol) in his class band, then on the day you could hear every word. Another