AS/HFA Effects on Younger Siblings/Marriage

[mistybluehills]

We suspect that DS1 (4.7) has AS/HFA and are in the process of getting a Dx. In the meantime I am also concerned about the possible effects on younger siblings (boy/girl twins 2.9) and wondered how everyone else copes?

Ever since the twins were born DS1 has been fairly bossy, aggressive and physical towards them, but so far they have coped surprisingly well. Recently though DS2 (terrible 2!) has started being aggressive towards a variety of other people including me and he is copying his older brother a lot (good & bad). DS2 has always tended to be a very tender and sensitive soul, but this behaviour is proving to be very persistent - the naughty step and explaining is not working.

Does anyone have any suggestions - I am utterly despondent at the moment and have spent all day on the phone to my mum crying (she is miles away). Really feeling the strain at the moment and now everything is suffering including my marriage (which I thought could survive anything - but think this might be a bridge too far ).

Dd on the whole copes pretty well.. However there have been and still are moments where she will copy or have a good whinge about the situation. .. She has even said she feels that she has to try and be good all the time , not for us, but becuase it will set off ds2 if she starts!
She also feels very protective over him, tries to help him as much as she can socially and communication wise.. And translates people to him.
But in the same token when ds2 meltsdown or is verbally aggressive ,, a lot is aimed at her.

We are really mindfUl of this.. I do not want her thinking agressive males are a normal thing!

Anyway .. We make sure there is time for her, time to be silly and a bit naughty away from ds..( actually do this for ds1 as well.. Both ds1 and dd need respite from ds2)... She does her own martial art class and has time socialise.. When ds2 can't ruin it.
( have very helpful family).. Soon as she's a bit older we'll find a siblings youth group for her if she wants it.

Hth. :)

Ooops.. Meant to suggest.. Respite time for your other children.. Even if it's special mum doing time.. It dies seem to get easier as they get older.. But it's a real juggling act.

Sure others will be on here as well.

Thanks Arsenic, my mum keeps saying if only she were closer she could help more so we could give them more time apart. You've reminded me that DS1 will be full time at school from January which should help.

Need some help to see the positives at the moment. I guess the siblings get good as well as bad from living in a more complex situation - but I am 'glass is half empty' person so always see the worst effects first!

The good side tends to out weigh the hard work side... And school will give them a respite from each other.

The other thing we do here is have scheduled mum / dad time on a 1-1 every evening.. This works in with a rota of screen time .. If that makes sense.. They don't always want it.. But they all know its there to have.

Sounds mad and OCD.. But it works well in our house.

I think all children - regardless of dx, need time to be themselves without sibling interference. There just seems to be more need when there is an added pressure. Likewise time to be a married couple and not parents. None of that is easy.
Re DS2 - A suggestion that was given to me was to do the usual reward chart, but the reward was time with a parent (or parents if you can manage it) to do an activity of their choice. It might just be going to a play park for an hour, but with no other sibling, so he gets all the attention, pushes on the swing etc. It is also good for him to see a less stressed mistyblue.
Empathy coming it's way for the situation though. Most of us (probably all) wonder what effects there will be on siblings, but also most of us also notice the benefits to both the NT and SN sibling too. You will probably spot the benefits when they are older.

I don't have any solutions as I think you've said lots of things I worry about but wanted to say sympathy and big hugs
x

I don't have any solutions.

Ds1's psychiatrist has just written me a supportive letter to the council stating that I NEED a three bedroom house NOW, because ds2 is getting 8 or 9 hours sleep a night and he is 4 years old.

Also, I dind't send ds2 to nursery for the full time he was alloted, because I felt the need to cram in some 'raising' - that just wasn't getting done with ds2 aged 6 around. I was dragging ds1 up and leaving ds2 to tag along as best he could. He needed to have a mummy too.

Thanks everyone. the puddle of tears is finally drying up. am pulling myself firmly back together (honest).

it's interesting you mention nursery colditz. the twins have just started 1 morning per week, but not really enjoying being dropped off that much. I think they would rather have the time with me. actually I am now thinking keep pre-school to a minimum (enough to get a break now and then - I don't have any family and DH works long hours) and make the most of the time with them whilst they are small.