Jayzmummy and anyone else who have older siblings who are NT - can you help please??

[Merlot]

Ds1 (8 1/2 years) was very upset on Sunday evening about ds2 and his special needs.

It started when we were talking about a neighbour who is expecting a baby having gone into Labour. I said that the new baby would be born very soon. Ds1 asked whether the new baby would have special needs. I replied that I hoped that she wouldn't - at which point ds1 burst into tears . He said that he hopes she has so that ds2 isnt the only child in the road with SN's. Then it all poured out....

He doesnt want ds2 to have special needs...he doesnt want to be in this family anymore...he wants another normal' brother...he said I've come up with a plan why cant dh and I divorce and then ds2 can live with dh and ds1 could live with me!!' Then he revised that and said...oh know that wouldnt work....mummy because I expect ds2 would need to live with mummy as well!!

I was absolutely flabbergasted. Here was I thinking that ds1 was coping really well with things. There is absolutely no doubt that he loves his brother to bits, but he is obviously beginning to realise `the reality' of the situation and says he doesnt want friends at school to know that his brother is different etc..etc...

Help! Jayzmummy I know that you have an elder son who is NT. Is he involved in any groups etc..have you had any situation like this to deal with?

I have found about a website called Sibs and Young carers but I am reluctant to push him to get too involved with all this, because he is quite young (but mature in his thought processes) and only at the very beginning stages of acceptance etc.. and I am scared that a peek `too far into the future' will frighten him to death. I've got the health visitor coming to discuss it all, but would be grateful for anything anyone can suggest add.

Hi Merlot

DS1 and DD (age 13 and 6) BOTH go to 'siblings groups' at our division of Young Carers and really enjoy it. They do age appropriate activities with other kids in the same boat.. they get picked up.. dropped off.. and we don't pay a penny!! (DS2 age 5 is severely disabled and really affects their lives in lots of ways although they love him as I'm sure DS1 does your DS2.)

Want to reply at some length but have to go or Beetroot will kill me...!

SJ x

That must of been really hard to hear but at least he's got it off his chest,bless him. Maybe it would be good for him to meet other bro's/sis's with sn siblings so he can see he's not alone. I'd think it would make him feel the same as other families instead of different IYSWIM. My children were a bit old for it to affect them in that way but they always tell others in the same sentence as his name, so its not a shock to anyone i suppose.

Oh Merlot just lots of sympathy from me xx

Oh Merlot, hugs to you all!!!

DS is only just 6 so although he knows Amelia has DS, he doesn't really understand what that means. I tell him that she may take longer to learn some things, he knows she has trouble walking, talking....etc but that's as far as it has gone.

I really hope that your HV can give you some ideas, if not, I am sure just opening up and talking helps- it does with me!

I have two older sons(12 and 9) and I really feel for you.
Only once has my ds1 had a big outburst and said how hard it is having an sn brother.

I suppose they go thorugh the same emotional rollercoaster as we do. Mine know all the troubles with the LEA, health etc.

My children have each other, but perhaps you could ask your sons teacher to chat with him. Is there an adult outside the family that he could off load to?

We have been on some Mencap days out as a family which the boys enjoy.

Why doesn't he want friends at school to know? Maybe he needs you to tell him what to say if anyone asks. Do you think that maybe some children at school have commented?

I have found that they are very mature compared to other children their age, which in some ways makes me a bit sad, but I know they are far more considerate and less judgemental for having sn in the family.
Finally a big hug to you. I know how you feel, I find it so hard to balance everyones needs.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Maddiemo, yes I think it would help if he knew of others in a similar position. He has said that he wants another normal' brother so that he is not the only one. I guess it does probably help your two, that they have each other. I think he doesnt want the others at school to know, because he is embarassed and he thinks his friends would laugh . I'm sure they wouldnt, but I've explained that if people do laugh or take the mickey its out of ignorance. I do think some of his friends have caught' on. Ds2 is now 2 and the squeals he makes are baby like'. One of the girls in ds's class actually asked me `Why does he make that noise?'. I explained about ds2's special needs and she seemed to be happy with the explanation. I also told ds1 that she had asked etc.. He seemed ok at that point.

I have also offered to speak to his teacher, but he doesnt want that either.

I think he is a lot better for `getting it off his chest' so I dont want to keep going on about it. I'll see what the Health Visitor suggests.

SleepyJess - would love to hear more from you, if you get the time

6.03

bump for Jayzmummy if you are around.

I dont mean to harass you

Merlot Im so sorry I havent posted back. Things have been pretty awful here over the last couple of weeks and TBH I needed to have a bit of a break from the SN board to try and get my head together. Call it "burying your head in the sand and hoping it will all go away"....but it doesnt does it???

I dont really know what to say to you about your problem because we are having the same difficulties here. Things are so bad for Ds1 that he even wanted to go to boarding school just to escape DS2....I managed to talk him out of it and he has gone off to the secondary school but TBH I think I made the wrong choice because DS1 is so unhappy.

DS1 longs to be able to have a brother whom he can play with...he doesnt want to be a punchbag or J's minder anymore

All I can suggest is that you try and find a local support group for your Ds to attend....Ds1 goes to a siblink group....they meet once a month and hold social activities. This is organised through the local CAMHS and Family Consultancy Group.

We also try and have a day at the weekend where DH will go off with Ds1 and do something together ...surfing/football.Ds1 invites a couple of his mates to go with him and DH supervises them...he is after all a child who needs to have some fun and have chance to have the world revolve around him for a short while.

Sorry its not much help.

Thanks for posting Jayzmummy - much appreciate it. I fully understand you wanting to take time out from the SN board - I think we all feel like that now and again. I hope it didnt feel like I was hunting you down , I was just very keen to hear your views. I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time with this issue too Its miserable isnt it? Your suggestions are very helpful.

ATM we are working at giving ds1 some more individual time and I am looking at a young carers group. I have to say, seeing ds1 struggle to do his homework whilst ds2 whoops and makes a load of noise, has made me rethink what do with ds1 for secondary education. I think private education might have to be considered, as I think it would be much easier for ds1 if he is able to do all his schoolwork and homework away from the home.

I dearly hope things improve for you. Sending you an extra big hug.

Thanks for posting Jayzmummy - much appreciate it. I fully understand you wanting to take time out from the SN board - I think we all feel like that now and again. I hope it didnt feel like I was hunting you down , I was just very keen to hear your views. I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time with this issue too Its miserable isnt it? Your suggestions are very helpful.

ATM we are working at giving ds1 some more individual time and I am looking at a young carers group. I have to say, seeing ds1 struggle to do his homework whilst ds2 whoops and makes a load of noise, has made me rethink what do with ds1 for secondary education. I think private education might have to be considered, as I think it would be much easier for ds1 if he is able to do all his schoolwork and homework away from the home.

I dearly hope things improve for you. Sending you an extra big hug.

Thanks for the hug merlot I sure could use one right now