Not taking it personally when (ill) DC are vile to you?

[stripeybumpsmum]

I've posted this here and in Behaviour section as I desperately need advice but don't want to offend. Sorry, long post but background:

DD (3 last week) is having chemo for a rare cancer. We have to be really careful about infection so we are somewhat housebound.

Her behavirou is awful - which we knew to expect. She probably has some pain form the tumour and just feels crap because of the chemo, as well as being bewildered at all the disruption between home and hospital.

Problem is that all her emotions with me are magnified - so if she's angry, she is kicking and yelling at me. If she's upset or cared, only I can console her. Day or night. It is constant tantrums as she has no tolerance for anything going even slightly wrong.

Clearly we are all strung out from the sress of the diagnosis, prognosis and treatment. Plus I am 14 weeks preg with DC3 and I am getting very near the end of the tether.

So wise MN, how do you cope when DC attack you and are generally horrible but you know it isn't their fault?

TIA

sorry you are going through such a difficult time and your DD is unwell. have no great words of wisdom - all I can suggest is chocolate (not wine I guess, or at least only in v. moderate quantities!), and make sure you get a break yourself. does the hospital have play therapy or child psychologists or anything like that who could advise on how to help her through this scary time?

stripey I don't have much advice I'm afraid but I'm sorry that you and your DD are going through this. My DS2 (NT) is a shocker when unwell and does exactly the same, hits out and is really vile and it hurts like hell. I'm also pg so can understand you feeling pretty grim in any case. She is taking it out on you because you are the closest person to her and kids only behave like that with people they are very comfortable with. Not that that makes it any easier to deal with of course.

I think getting a break is really important for both you and DD if you can get someone to play with her for a few hours (grandparents??). Would also suggest getting a big variety of activities to keep her occupied or distract her when she is feeling low. Even a change of room can help sometimes, so just going upstairs to do something different or baking cakes in the kitchen (which you can then eat), or doing some colouring at the kitchen table. Maybe write a list of things you could do at home so when you are really struggling you can look at the list for inspiration?? I realise that you want to keep her inside at the moment and I know that the weather is not exactly brilliant but can you take her outdoors? I think on good weather days just getting out the garden or going for a walk makes a big difference and you don't have to see people.

When its really bad, sofa, dvd/tv and chocolates are the way to go.

Hope things improve soon.

Dealing with your own emotions at a time like this must be hard enough without having your DD laying into you and being pregnant.

I think you need to make sure the hospital staff know how hard you're finding it and I agree that a play therapist could be brought in to help out but also to give you a break.

Don't feel like you have to be with her 24/7 if there is a way for someone else to take over. You'll be better able to cope with her tantrums if you've had a bit of me time so it's for her benefit as well as yours.

The other thing to do is be kind to yourself. Anyone in this situation would be on a short fuse sometimes so if you do get impatient with her you need to forgive yourself. You are human and doing your very best so don't expect to be supermum.

Of course chocolate always helps too and, as my GP told me during my last pregnancy, it's a really good source of calcium

stripey I'm sorry you and your dd are having such an awful time. my ds1 is also pretty foul when unwell and I am close to losing my temper several times a day although I know it is not his fault. He is currently unwell and has been home for the last eight days. I think the only thing that helps is regular breaks, which is easier said than done. I also find just putting on my ipod and going out for a short walk around the supermarket helps me tune out a little from all the shouting and whinging. I appreciate the problem with infection makes this more problematic. is there anyway you can get a carer in for a few hours? I have also tried buying ds1 some new DVds and portable DVD player to keep him occupied for a short time. Sorry not to be much help.

Thank you, kind words appreciated. I know I need to take more breaks - struggling with the control freak thing. My pg skin is driving me mad and the only thing that soothes it is a long bath so maybe my body is telling me to do something that benfits my mind.

Thanks everyone, will try some of your tips.

I am so sorry you are having a really tough time and so much is being asked of you. It must be really tough that DD is taking it out on you and you aren't getting any breaks.
She is so little to have to cope with so much. And you sound like you are doing a fantastic job.

Forgive my ignorence but can DD have a play in the bath to calm things down a bit? I used to do this with my ASD DD when things got too much. I used to sit next to the bath as she played and found it used to relax both of us.

• ignorance

See, ignorant

Alas not, she has a type of catheter called a Hickman Line ('Mr Wiggly') in her chest for giving/taking blood and medicine. Neither the entry site not the endings can get wet. She can go in the bath but can't really splash so it is a more stress really.

She seems a bit better this week and has responded to me just walking off and ignoring her when she vents. Gives me a few seconds not to react either. I am very proud of how she is - she has been in pain and that can't be easy for a 3 year old. I think I was just feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks again.