DD hit me in the face tonight - so upset

[litdog]

My 5yo DD has severe global delay due to a rare chromosome disorder. She goes to a mainstream school with a full-time assistant and can't talk, at all, so we are doing makaton. But since starting school this September she has become more and more frustrated, and started having mini-tantrums.

Tonight (after a very bad day at school where she pulled people's hair and pushed them all day long) she went mad while I was reading a story to her and her NT brother. She just started turning the pages really fast and ripped them, not once but twice. I was cross with her and so she started screaming and then hit her brother (poor little sod).

I said right, that's enough, and put her in the next door room because she wouldn't stop hitting him. I could hear her really kicking off in there, not trashing it, but running around, massively frustrated.

I went in a couple of times and asked her to say sorry (makaton sign) but she refused, and just tried to hit out. I went in a third time and picked her and hugged her hard (to try and cope with any sensory overload) but she went mad and hit me in face. In the eye - it really hurt!

Eventually I calmed her down, got her into bed, and she and her brother and I all had a hug and kiss and I said I understood how hard things were for her, not being able to talk, etc, but she mustn't hit.

I am really worried how this is going to escalate - will she end up in a home as she will be too violent? It is all so upsetting for the rest of the family - I don't know what to do.

We're seeing the child psychologist on Thursday but I don't think she's hugely helpful - she usually gets me to answer my own questions eg by saying 'what do you normally do to calm her down' and then telling me that's great.

Has anyone got any ideas/words of wisdom? She is in a lovely school and I don't want her to be chucked out for being a nightmare. And I so dread this behaviour getting worse...

Any thoughts much appreciated...
x

my ds (nearly 7yo) has a chromosome disorder, 22q11, he does talk but has speech delay due to cleft palate and deletion. you cannot tell he has any developmental delays if you spend five minutes with him apart from he is socially immature, which cause many problems trying to get him the help he needs. he does, however, have a tendancy to lash/ hit out when frustrated or can't find the words quick enough to retaliate verbally. his brain works a little slower than a child without 22q11.

I have found with ds when he was younger that play therapy worked a little, he could express his feelings and thoughts within role play without realising he was actually doing it! have you tried sitting own with her with some dolls/play mobile or similar and acting out scenarios that have come up over the last few days and trying to explain to her how her actions make other people feel, perhaps using picture cards such as happy faces / sad faces, perhaps it may help her if you communicate throughout without using speech? try to let her lead the play though rather and see where it takes you.

It's hard not to panic when a child with SN gets violent as we all fear the challenging behaviour-exclusion-institutionalisation stereotype coming true with our own dc. But it's important to remember that all children act out, hit and test boundaries at times. If SN dc didn't do this at all, it would be a symptom of disability. Of course, if it happens all the time, it may be SN related and need specific treatment.

Obviously when it happens in my house I always catastrophise rather than remembering this. And spend the next 2 hours imagining Borstal visits [sceptical].

Oh Litdog you are going through it. I think this age is very hard as they are still very young and frustrated. They don't understand their feelings and frustrations.

The one thing that I think will happen is it will get better not worse, as you are thinking now.

At the moment she is still thinking like a toddler wanting but not able to explain. I have seen this in several of the girls my dd was with when she was very young with sn.

What I would say is how important it is now to be consistent, strong and understanding with her. Don't see it as they way she is just that she is going through a phase and will eventually grow out of it with the right help.

Ed psych doesn't see the right person for the help though. I would suggest more contact with a good SaLT or excellent SEN teacher at the school and ask for their help.

As much as mainstream can be great, it can be loud and confusing with so much going on. It may be the right place for her but it may be a difficult place to deal with for her.

It is highly unlikely that she will end up in a home, it's just your fears taking over at the moment. It things go really wrong it's more likely, if she is unable to cope with the pressure of mainstream, that you may look at a school that can help her deal with her problems and frustrations more effectively.

I remeer these fights and frustrations well with my dd but they don't ever seem to happen now. As she has become more responsible and understands herself and what she wants and how to effectively get it she is calmer.

Also as another resort you may want to get a referal to CAMHS. They can really help although they often use a drug intervention.

Thank you all for lovely replies. They have really really helped. Great idea, the acting out with dolls - not sure if she'll 'get it', but totally worth a try.

And thank you DaisySue2 - what a lovely post and one I shall re-read in moments of despair. Interesting what you say about mainstream - I certainly don't think she'll last there forever, but it just seemed the best school for her for now. We'll see how we get on.

Thank you all. You have made my despair dissipate!

x

I work with adults with learning difficulties, some of whom have little or no speech. I can reassure you that they are rarely aggressive, although they can get frustrated when I don't "get it" lol

Signing is good, it shows she wants to communicate with you. The adults I work with have been basically shut away from the world until the last few years. Putting a person with learning difficulties in a "home" is not compulsory, and there are many many different ones for you to choose if you decide that's the best step. We aim to support people to be as independent as possible. Some can be left to cook a meal for themselves, others can't be trusted with the kettle... But they can put a teabag, a spoonful of sugar and some milk in a cup, stir it and put the used teabag in the bin lol

I would agree it is likely to be a phase & frustration or sensory overload as you said rather than "the wasy she is".
Do the MS school have any support from SN school outreach or SEN challenging behaviour support from ouside agencies.
Ratjer than them floundering to try & come up with their own solutions at school & you getting the brunt of a bad school day when she gets home it may be better if they get outside advice now & you can ALL agree some strategies.
if this has already been done then ignore my witterings :)

I have a lot of trouble with my son's hitting and he is now 14 and big. This doesn't mean that your DD will be the same and I can reassure you that ALL kids can get aggressive in the early days at school due to tiredness, the stress of having to sit still and concentrate and the general noise and chaos of a busy school. My NT son used to be awful at times in the early days of school but is better now.

Can you ask the psychologist to come up with a behaviour plan and specific strategies so this one can be nipped in the bud? Get her to do the work for you! If she's no good, can you ask to be referred to a learning disability nurse in the same team (our CAMHS team have them). Maybe the school can help with strategies? One thing is important but - react calmly if you can. Difficult I know but it will escalate if you are all obviously stressed and she will learn that challenging behaviour will get a good reaction

Thank you all so much. Anonandlikeit - interesting re: challenging behaviour support. I don't know about that but will raise it with the SENCO.

Purplepidjin - nice to hear a positive experience about homes. I just always read the horror stories about them so imagine that her going into one would be horrendous for her. I do so hope we don't go down that route - having said that, I just want her to be happy, so whatever it takes. It's all just so full-on this week, I feel pretty stressed and confused by it. Not at all sure why she's suddenly become like this.

How do I get in touch with CAHMS? I've never heard of it before. We are seeing the child psychologist tomorrow - can she refer us do you think?

Thanks all for the replies. It is such a relief to be able to come on here and talk to people who understand.

And donkeyderby thanks for the 'stay calm' advice. Very useful - so hard to do in the heat of the moment but you are quite right.