I am worrying about whether to say anything to a friend about her DC

[fel1x]

I am really worrying about this at the moment as I'm not sure whether I should talk to my friend or not

My friend has a DC similar age to my DC2. Hers seems quite behind developmentally although there is a few months difference. Her DC is about 2.5yrs now. A while back (probably about a year I'd say) she hesitantly asked me for advice on her DC as she felt he wasnt 'normal' compared to other children and also to her older DC. I was trying to be reassuring but not falsly so and I said that lots of things that are ASD signs are also seen in NT children tooo but that lots of the signs can indicate ASD. I said I'd get some more info for her. I then gave her some basic info on ASD signs (my eldest is ASD) and a questionnaire that you can fill in online to get an idea of whether to go and ask for a referral.
At the time she looked at the info and said her DC did show some of the signs but as he was so young (he was 18 months then) it was hard to tell. She said she'd leave it a while and re-think about it later as she had a lot of other things going on at the time -her DC has several allergies, an eye problem and recurrent ear infections etc all of which required various hospital appts and she was a bit overwhelmed to think about initiating a whole new lot of appts.
Now I still see a lot of signs in her DC but she hasnt broyght the subject up since. I am wondering whether I should try and talk to her about it, simply because her DC will be starting school in less that 2 years and it took me almost that long to get a diagnosis for my DC and if hers is ASD then it will benefit them greatly to get a diagnosis before school.
She is a good friend and I'd hate to upset her and of course her DC may be completely absolutely fine given time BUT am also aware that I dont want her to be thinking laater that she wished I would haave said something earlier...
What do you think? Shoudl I say something? If so, how do I say it???

I think I would perhaps just bring up the questionaire, something along the lines of "I found that questionaire I gave you a while back, did you ever get round to doing it again?".

It is just an opening, see what her reaction is.

Generally I would say no, say nothing.

BUT if she is a close friend and will fully understand your intentions are concern for her ds, then IF the subject of your dc's ASD comes up, you could say 'oh you were thinking that your ds was showing signs a while ago, didn't you?' and then see what she says. She may say nothing, in which case, do likewise.

I've said a couple of little things recently like when she was saying that she just couldnt get her DCs hair cut as he freaked out every time they try I sympathised and said how exacatly the same as my DS1 that is and he rarely gets his hair cut too and similar when she mentioned her DC running off all the time. Just trying to subtly link the behavour to being similar to that of my ASD DS iyswim

I'd also bring up the conversation you had a while ago and ask if she'd had any more thoughts.

There could be any number of reasons for her not bringing it up again. Not wanting to face it, feeling like she's blowing things out of proportion, having been shot down in flames by somebody else, not realising that her 'normal' isn't normal.

She might really not want to know and if that's the case you can take a step back knowing you've done your best. If you can open the subject up you could be doing her and her DC a big favour.

Good luck working this one out.

I agree, think you could bring up the previous conversation without it being too awkward if the timing/situation is right - eg "just wondering if you ever read that questionaire I gave you that time" or "so do you feel happier about ds now?", or "so you don't seem to have any worries about ds now do you". Or something. Maybe prefix it with something about how well you think he's doing, happy he is or something positive.

If it's in the context of a conversation about your dc development or something, it shouldn't be too awkward.

I also think, like Al1son, if you do suspect something you would be helping her in the long run.

Of course it's really tricky not to upset or possibly offend someone, but it would certainly be more appropriate coming from you, a parent of a child with ASD, than someone else with no personal knowledge or experience - she obviously felt this herself having asked you about it before. And you are really well placed to offer her support and understanding. If a friend with totally nt children (and no experience of autism) had said something to me I might have been offended. But if it was someone with personal experience and knowledge, who I'd already once confided in, it would be different.

Good luck.