Asps. DS and a puppy.....

[Solo2]

We're getting a puppy (golden retriever) next year and have planned for this for a long time.

DS2 (one of 9 yr old twin boys) who has Asperger's traits but never quite met the full diagnosis (though I now think that he just doesn't have some of the symptoms but really is Asps).

He's quite worried about getting a puppy, wondering if it'll spoil his/ our family routines and life, will destroy and mess his things, will be loved my me, too much and that this will dilute my love for him (he has lots of anxieties at present).

Is it still a good idea to get a puppy (which is really a selfish, lifelong desire for me...never had a dog)? Can children qirh Asperger's enjoy life with an unpredicatable, messy, furry 'baby bro' or will it be a disaster?

I think there was a film out some years ago about how therapeutic it was for childrne with Asps to have a dog (never saw it) but is this a fallacy?

How can I reassure him? He's met some golden retriever puppies and older goldies recently and loved them but everytime I talk about us getting the puppy next year, he gets grumpy or tearful.

We have a dog.. Ds was okay when she was a pup .. Yes they are unpredictable.. But ds enjoyed training her and giving out instructions to her.. And you can't seperate them now.
We use her to basically be his support dog ( unofficially of course).. People will come up and talk to him about her.
Also we found obedience classes were a good social thing for him and the dog :)

she's getting a bit of an old girl now and we will be getting a pup soonish to train up and take over.

It would be a good idea to get a pup that is good with sudden flapping and noises and will ignore that going on... A pup that startled at keys dropped wouldn't really be a good choice in our case as ds can be loud and sudden shout when in a meltdown.

Dogs like routine just like kids, especially those with AS. Maybe he could help you make a timetable for the dog? You could put in stuff like what time it'll be fed, what time it'll be walked or let out into the garden. You could also do a list of rules for what has to be done when it messes in the house.

He shares your love quite happily with his brother, I guess. Maybe explain to him that you have double the love because you have twins, so your love capacity will go up 150% when the dog comes.

When you get the dog he will be 10, so maybe he could have some lockable boxes for his toys etc and the promise of being trusted with the key when that time comes?

Just an add.. To help reasure your ds.. I'd say lots of prep work.. What to expect, what a dog needs, what classes or training you could go to etc etc

we have a 7 month old puppy and he is the best thing for our girls. She wil often just lay down with him and loves training him BUT he does chew everything and has caused a few difficult days BUT it teaches her to pick things up and that people and dogs dont always do as they shoud.

I have three dogs and an 8 year old ds who has ASD.

He has very little to do with them to be honest. He never showed any interest in the two that were here before he was born, in fact it was like he didn't even notice they existed. When our third dog came as a rescue, he was more interested and he definitely 'cares' more about him than the other two.

Purple is right about dogs thriving on schedules and needing clear rules and boundaries. I agree that it would probably help if you could get him to come up with a list of rules that would help him accept living with a dog. Its unknown territory for him and probably making him feel unsafe as he can't see how it will all work. For us, there is a strict no dogs upstairs rule. That way ds's 'stuff' is safe and he always has somewhere where there's no dogs to go if he wants to. We also have a dog gate so the dogs can be confined to one area of the house and only allowed into our living space when we allow them to. It sounds harsh, but it actually works really well and there are actually some sound canine behavioural reasons why it does. I would also recommend crate training, as in my experience this helps to raise a more secure dog whilst also minimising damage/chewing/housetraining problems.

It might help to get him involved in the training feeding and walking of the dog, so that he feels more in control of the situation. Alternatively, it is perfectly possible for you to be the sole carer for the dog and not involve him at all, if that's what he would prefer. In fact its fairly typical of most dog/pet owning families for Mum and/or Dad to do all the hard work with them, while the dcs show very little interest, except to occasionally show them off to their friends.

It sounds like its the idea of change that he can't cope with rather than the dog itself. My boy is the same, we are just about to lose our oldest dog (the one he has never shown the slightest interest in) and he is distraught. Its not because he is attached to her, its because he thinks things won't be the same when she's gone.

I would recommend reading some puppy books Gwen Bailey's books are excellent for first time owners over the next year to give him a clearer idea of what living with a dog is like. Hopefully he will feel a bit more comfortable with the idea once he has a clearer idea of what to expect.

On the love thing, my mum explained the love thing to me when my younger sister was born when I was 10, by using the analogy of a pizza vs the magic porridge pot. She said love isn't like a pizza, you don't slice it up and give a bit to each person until its all gone. Its more like the magic porridge pot, always there, full to the top with more love whenever you need it. It can never run out. With my own boys I talk to them about a mother's love being infinite and going on forever with no end. Ds likes that, because he's really into science.

Golden Retrievers can be quite heavy dogs.

Also consider whether to get a male or a bitch. I would ask your son whether he would prefer his own cat.

Thanks, MooseMama. It comes from acquiring my own flat, 2 kittens, and my first grown up job within months of each other. I practiced all my newly learned behaviour-management techniques on the cats!

Just FYI, they are massively affectionate, wait their turns to be fed, behave themselves on their harnesses to go out (vets, grandparents house etc) and answer to their names. One of them likes to play fetch. Maybe there's something to be said for that random theory? LOL

Lucinda, I'm sorry but that's not really relevant is it?

I'm sure Solo has done a lot of research in order to choose the right breed and gender of dog for her family, this is clear from her planning his/her arrival so far in advance. She's asking for advice on how best to reassure her ds and help him come to terms with the idea before they get the pup. This shows how much careful thought and planning she is willing to put into it.

I used to be a dog behaviourist and having seen the end results of ill thought-out and impulsive pet ownership, I wish that more people would take getting a new dog as seriously.

Wow Purple, that's quite a feat with cats! We have a lurcher that loves to retrieve and I thought that was unusual, lol.

I love it that there's such a lot of crossover between canine and human behaviour management. It really helped me to not feel like I didn't have a clue what I was doing after keeping dogs for 13 years and then having my first baby!

I have Aspergers myself and one of my children has it also.

I was suggesting that the OP could discuss with her son whether he would prefer to get a female or a male dog.

We have a golden retriever and a ds with Aspergers (also a physical disability). The dog is 5 and a half and the ds is 16 and three days.

Find your reputable breeder now and all go and have a look at their dogs. Let the breeder get to know your ds a little. When the puppies were born we visited every week and our breeder said she would choose which puppy was ours when they were six weeks. She chose exactly the right one. He is very big, very patient, very gentle and only barks once a week. It's a good match.
We had a behaviourist visit for the first couple of months, which was very helpful. DS attended obedience classes with me, again very helpful. The dog is often found flumped on the floor of DS's room.
DS, having read lots of books, is quite proprietal about the dog, although not possessive and his knowledge of canines is immense. He likes to know we are feeding the dog the very best, checks up on his exercise (oh yes ds I was out for two hours with him today ) and will talk dogs with any old stranger in the park so there have been social benefits.
If you are anywhere near Croydon I can point you to an excellent resource you could come along to with your ds which might give more insight into how he'll feel about having a dog around.

I want to say the breeder chose our dog for us when the dog was six weeks old. He left his mum to come and live with us at eight weeks old.
I feel very strongly about dogs that leave their mothers before 8 weeks and would never consider one - it's really important.
Also in our purchase contract should we feel we cannot keep our dog for any reason we have to give the breeder first refusal on him.
Both these things are signs of a good breeder.

Have a look on the Dogs for the Disabled website at the PAWS scheme. It is basically a support programme if you are getting a pet dog and have an autistic/asperger's child as they can be a form of therapy for them and they are doing research looking into this. I have just done their workshop programme prior to getting our Labradoodle puppy and found it really helpful

Excellent advise springlamb, especially regarding pups not leaving their Mums before eight weeks and the breeder taking the dog back if for any reason you are unable to keep him/her.

Lucinda, I'm sure you meant well. It just came across a little odd. I certainly agree that its a good idea to involve the op's ds in some of the decision making process, to help him feel more in control.

henrhysmum, that's really interesting, I am so out of the loop these days, I'd not heard about that.

advice not advise

Our Golden saved our DC from drowning in the River. He jumped in and helped DC to swim to the side by holding on to the dog.

Wow Lucinda - you should enter your golden for a Dickon award. What a fantastic dog. I've Newfoundlands are very intuitive in that way and are also used as rescue dogs.

All I have to add is that you need to give the dog some 'time off' now and again.

We do that with the cat - we have a rule - no messing with the cat when she's eating / sleeping etc.

"Wow Purple, that's quite a feat with cats! We have a lurcher that loves to retrieve and I thought that was unusual, lol.

I love it that there's such a lot of crossover between canine and human behaviour management. It really helped me to not feel like I didn't have a clue what I was doing after keeping dogs for 13 years and then having my first baby!"

It was totally accidental, and I've learned better than to bring work home with me now lol

Although I did have a proud "mummy" moment when DP's 3yo nephew called out "Mango!" and a ball of orange fluff came hurtling up the stairs towards him

Thanks for all the feedback. That's very helpful. We have already identified the breeder - recommended as she breeds rarely but breeds for good sociable personalities in her dogs. It was her recent litter that we visited and all held a puppy and this was fine. DS2 has already named our puppy-to-be and we know we'll definitely get a male.

DS2 already has his own cat, as does his twin - which they both chose for their colour. I've tried to relate their early experiences with the kittens to what to expect with the puppy - eg, "Do you remember when your cats had just arrived and made a mess, scratched a bit, trailed poo round on their feet? But now they're fine and relaxed and we've all got used to each other. Well that's what it'll be like with our puppy. He'll have to leanr to fit in with us and we'll have to be forgiving for his accidents and mess at first..." etc etc.

Great idea about getting DS2 to help with drawing up puppy rules. I suggested this to him this morning. I think he MAY end up doing a combination of ignoring the puppy, to return to his own usual interests and enjoying small bursts of interaction when he can train it things. He recently interacted with someone else's dog and felt he'd taught it to sit (although it already knew that command) but he liked to feel he could control it.

He's more keen on getting chickens BTW but I think we'll wait till we get some, as I need to consider one additional pet at a time.

I do intend to take the puppy to puppy classes with the DCs and to do loads of training myself as well. Hopefully, DS2 can feel part of all this.

I think it's the unpredictablility of the whole thing really and probably partly my fault too for wanting DS1 to know that pets don't just arrive ready trained and easy to be with - as DS1 wants several more animals too but i do all the work for everyone and everything all of the time (I'm a single mum)!

I've done some of the training of the PAWS team mentioned above - they're really lovely people and the scheme seems to be working well so far from what I see. Well worth contacting Dogs for the Disabled about it.