another need of advice, sorry I have nowhere else to turn and I know you have more experience than I.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I have compiled this list as my mum seems to think that there is nothing wrong and DS1 is making all these things up just to play the system. Now I know he can be manipulative but surely he wouldn't be able to do all these things through choice - would he? from the age of 2.5/3yrs I started noticing things.

Am I wrong? I have to say I have doubts now as my Mum seems so sure.

things DS says about himself

I don't feel like I fit in anywhere and never have.
I want to do these clubs so i feel the same as everyone else
I hate when people touch me
I don't understand peoples jokes because they make no sense logically
I don't like the way I have tantrums
I can control them when I am not home because people would laugh at me but at home I am safe
I only undo 2 buttons just enough to pull my shirt over my head as buttons are hard to do.
I get nervous when there are a lot of people around me.

Things I have noticed.

He only learnt to do his laces at the end of yr5 start of yr6
He hates undoing buttons
He has never had a real friend - this was obvious when I looked at his FB page and one child answered a question "what is his role in life" with "to be bullied"
He plays with the same toys all the time - but gets hooked on one type iyswim? atm it is dr who toys.
Was reading and writing before he was 2.5yrs
Was spelling and explaining words by 3yrs old
Has major meltdowns over what seems like nothing.
Has terrible habit of picking - soles of shoes, trainers, spots, paper on walls etc
Is a terrible sleeper - since birth
Is scared of the dark - if scared is the right word.
Can be quite vindictive - this is how it looks - to others
Cannot understand why or when he has done something that has caused a problem.
Struggles badly with languages - but can read the words and has a good accent - almost mimicked.
Often acts much younger than 12.
and this is the one I find embarrassing - has poor personal hygeine if not constantly told to bath,change, brush teeth etc.

Sorry that looks incomplete.

Dr's are 90% certain he has aspergers, I have always tried to focus on the positive side of him and ignore/bury my head about the other bits until the good ladies on MN kicked my butt .

But I just found various diaries/notebooks where I have written about things where DS1 are concerned over the years.

Poor boy if he feels his role in life is to be bullied.
No disrespect to your Mum but is she like mine? Even when DS2 was diagnosed with Aspergers she refused to believe there was anything wrong.
Whatever your Mum says it is probably worth asking for a referral to a Community Paediatrician or similar.If you tell your GP your concerns they can point you in the right direction.

Oops. Crossed posts.Sorry.

IamHappy,
we are awaiting further assessment. The first dr's findings were that he is 90% certain DS1 has aspergers. Something I am accepting of as it makes a lot of things make sense.

Mum thinks he is playing the system and manipulating things.

Thats why i asked.

His so called friend on FB thinks ds1's role in life is to be bullied.

Another thing he said when given a scenario which panicked me.was that if someone told him they had a DR Who collection he would go and see it with them if asked, but they would have to bring part of it out of the house before he went in with them.

Took my mum ages to take it on too. My DS was just 'spoilt' (I wish he was just spoilt)

You are not going mad love. Not all spectrum-ytraits are displayed uniformly in the different situations. He kicks off at home because he feels at ease there.

Maybe she would like to witness a meltdown?

Spinkle she has witnessed them many a time BUT he is just being
"naughty"
"showing off for an audience"
"spoilt"
"its your fault for giving him choices when he was younger"

think you get the picture.

I really did wonder if i had lost it somehow!

Your Mum probably hasn't had a lot of experience of Aspergers. Go with your gut feeling. It would be very hard for him to consistently play the system if he was just putting it on.

IamHappy, she works in a school and especially with aspergers/autistic pupils. which makes it worse that she won't accept the drs word.

I wonder why the older generation are like this??

High Achieving Aspergers, once he gets professional help and support and understanding teachers, can lead to high academic achievment.

I think the older generation is "like this" as we now live more in a culture of understanding different conditions and expecting profess. and schools,(if only),to put in support etc.
In our parents "time" people with SN were ignored, put in institutions and generally misunderstood.
Thats not to say conditions such as Aspergers were not around then-they definitely were-they just did not have a name, and people on the Spectrum were probably just seen as quirky or odd.
You are a grown woman now-you dont need your mothers approval or acceptance-though obviously it would be nice. Dont try and convince your mum or justify ds1 to her. Perhaps it is a pride thing, perhaps ignorance, perhaps both. In the end, it is her loss, as by not trying to understand ds1 she is missing an opportunity to help him develop. Hopefully she doesnt love him less and he wants a relationship with her. HTH.

Corn, she is a TA.

Bigpants - it is DS1 she has the best relationship with out of all 4 grandsons. She has him stay with her and showers him with everything. Maybe thats why she cannot accept it??

I agree with Cornsilk - people have said the same about my DS (who is nearly 4 and has 'classic' autism)

• He cant have ASD as he can count to 100
• He cant be ASD because he talks

My MIL is the same - she believes that DS can be fixed with love and attention. I have ranted abut her before and it gets me angry even typing this, so I do know how you feel. Its so hard but as long as you know that you are doing your best and you believe in DS then stuff her (easier said than done though I know)

:( about the purpose in life to be bullied thing, thats horrid.

ds has some of those characteristics - like the social issues, only learnt to do laces this year (he's 12). He's dyspraxic and has some AS traits.

MIL used to be a primary teacher and has always been sceptical, despite reports to the contrary. You just have to accept you won't get support from them. Part of the problem is that in "their day" only extreme cases were diagnosed - the child who does not communicate, thrashes in a corner, is aggressive and cannot/will not learn - so your child may not fit that image.

tbh I'd stop the FB - it will only be a source of anxiety and bullying and there are enough other opportunities for that :(.

I am sorry for your ds, but how can a child of 2/3 behave in a way as to play the system. Your mum sounds like she doesn't want to believe there is anything wrong. Like LITZ says he probably doesn't fit with her idea of someone with asd, so she cant accept it.

DS1 is 12 now.

We still do the 2 button trick with my HFA son who is 15!

Shoes laces are an issue too. I tie them a bit loosely and they stay that way for several weeks.

My mil used to be a teacher in a special school and that is why I did not consider a special school for DS2.

When it is an important matter, just assess the quality of what relatives are saying. If it is clearly incorrect, ignore, ignore, ignore:) I used to argue/discuss with them and then get upset. Now I don't rise to the bait.

Thanks ladies... thread is saving my sanity as have MIL staying to give her dh respite and to be waited on and cossetted to help me with new baby & older two