What do you do when you feel like its all too hard?

[DeadlyNightShadeofViolet]

I am feeling sorry for myself tonight :(

DS2 is supposed to start school in 10 months time. He isnt ready and I feel like I am not doing a good job because I dont know what to do to help him. I have arranged for DD to go to a nursery 2 afternoons a week so I can focus on DS, but what if I am not good enough?

And all the statement worry is getting to me and I havent even started yet. I feel so helpless because I am normally such a control freak and yet I cant contol this. I have started pulling my hair out to try and calm myself and so now I have no eyelashes left on my left eye.

You dont have to answer, I just wanted to put it all down to see if I feel better. DH just tells me to stop stressing.

:(

Oh Deadly it sounds like you are having a tough time. :( You need to look after yourself too so you can be strong for your DCs. Its not easy to stop worrying, but Im sure you are doing all you can and are good enough!

What issues are your main worry with DS2?

Firstly be kind to your self and try to take some time out.

Secondly you are a good mum, if you weren't you wouldn't be worrying.

Thirdly remember that all the children wil be at different levels when they start , reception staff are used to it. Some children will be able to write their name and others won't be able to hold a pencil.

My OH tells me to stop stressing too, but we can't it is part of our job description. Come on here for a rant indtead of pulling your hair out..

Oh poor you. I suppose I try to remember that however bad I am, I'm the best there is.

No-one cares as much as me and even with my mistakes I am the best placed person to help him. This is a valuable lesson and one I sincerely hope other parents learn quickly.

You don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to be fast. You have to have slow steady determination, but most importantly you have to take very good care of yourself as your ds' life support.

So what if ds isn't ready for school in 10 months time? You are responsible for his welfare and if you think attending with the resources they are suggesting will be detrimental to his development then you don't have to send him. There is more than one way to address his needs.

Please, please don't allow it all to get to you. I know you're having a difficult time. Try to regulate things so that you are stressed enough to motivate your action, knowledge and research, but not stressed so much that you shut down.

You would not believe how timid I was when this all started. Scared to say boo to a teacher. Now I demand an audience and make myself quite clear if something isn't going right. Unfortunately I became this way through more than I would like to remember in negative and miserable experiences but I'm okay, and so is my ds.

Good luck with it all.

Starlight x

Thank you ladies - I knew you would all understand - DH tries but he is so laid back he doesnt see any problems.

My main worries with DS is his receptive language delay - about two years behind so he still cannot understand basic instructions. Then there is the fact he cant do anything for himself (dress/feed/hold a pencil). My other concern is that he just wanders all day - doesnt sit and do an activity (except building blocks) - he just runs around aimlessly.

And I am stressing about the level of support he will get. The HT told me that I shouldnt expect 1-2-1 as he doesnt need a 'parrot on his shoulder'. I will fight for what I feel he needs but I am tired of fighting all the time and doing it on my own.

I am just feeling really sorry for myself.

'The HT told me that I shouldnt expect 1-2-1 as he doesnt need a 'parrot on his shoulder'.'

Quite agree. I got the very same line. Do you know what I told them and fought for? A higher level TA. One who knows how to give ds 100% support without being a parrot on his shoulder.

She is a vigilant observer, stepping in to facilitate learning and support ds when he needs it, and knowing when to step back when he doesn't. You can't timetable that, so it is 100% of the time tha she is there for him.

(In reality I strongly suspect she does other stuff and even works with other kids but the principle is there)

Have you ever looked into ABA? Considered getting someone to come and show you the techniques and curriculum? You don't have to run a full programme and a lot of it is targetted towards following instructions and receptive language.

Early years classrooms have come along way in the last few years. If yours is a good one your ds should have the opportunity to wander for at least part of the day. It should be play based, so the staff will start working with him on settling at an activity, but it may only be for a short time at first.

Where I work we had a boy with a dx of ASD last year and we tried to make sure that there was one of his "interest" activities available each session. We gradually encouraged him to take part in different stuff but he could always fall back on his favourites if it got too much. He did wander quits a lot somedays but we learned how to refocus him and were sometimes successful.

I hope you get him some one to one as I can see how it would be a benefit.

I havent looked into ABA properly as I dont know if I can afford it, and I dont know if I can make it work.

Pressed post too soon - it should say 'on my own' at the end

Thanks Ineed2 - he currently gets 5 hours a week 1-2-1 at pre-school and it has been so helpful. I am hoping they will see how well he has come on with the help.

You ladies have made me feel a bit better, and I knew you would :)

I doubt very much that you'd get nothing from it or be unable to make it work, but politically it is all a mess and unregulated and so unnecessarily expensive.

It isn't rocket science. It is supernanny.

If you can afford just for a short period, for a couple of sessions a week, an experienced tutor who you could shadow and watch, and then perhaps have her/him come back every now and then to check on you that could be one way of doing it.

It won't be an easy way, and not ideal, but you may learn from her/him where to get resources, curriculums and techniques.

Thanks Starlight - I didnt think about it like that. I know DS would benefit but I was imagining a massive programme with lots of people to pay for, and with already having to pay an OT and now DD's nursery everything is tight

I will definately look into it - it might be the help we need to point us in the right direction :)

Well, you would kind of want to do the hours, but ABA isn't like it used to be, once you have lots of the skills you can just incorporate it into your parenting and do quite a bit of it during the daily routine.

For example, if ds is misbehaving, I simply remove whatever he is focussed on, holding, wanting. I often don't say anything just remove it, and the instant he regulates himself and behaves better he gets it back that second (at first this might take some showing him). But once I've decided I'm going to tackle something I can't ever have an hour off, let him get away with it because it my birthday and don't want to spoil that atmosphere, give him a second chance etc. I've made a rule and it is always the rule.

And basically I have learned how to get ds to quite a number of things by changing what he has access to and how often.

He needs me to get what he wants, and very often I'll expect him to practice a skill to get it, even if it is simply to use a couple of words to ask for it.

I don't mean to take this thread in another direction from the OP, but stark I'm not sure it's always true that everyone can 'do' ABA without expert supervision. For example, how do you know what targets should be set? Or how to go about implementing the next set of targets?

I totally agree that the basic principle of reward based reinforcement (aka supernanny) can be totally applied to parenting, but it's incredibly ambitious to run a programme without expert supervision.

Don't mean this to sound like a challenge, I'm genuinely interested. We're at an early stage in our programme, and though I've seen pretty much every session so far and have learnt a huge amount when it comes to day-to-day parenting (the rewarding/reinforcing/ignoring stuff you talked about) without being an expert in child development and psychology, I wouldn't have a clue about what the next targets should be.

Deadly sorry for the hijack. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time atm. We're in a very similar boat - applying for primary schools without a statement. It's so hard to know what sort of school would be the best, esp when we don't know what support (if any) our ds's will get. I guess I think that all we can do is pick the school that at this point we feel would be best, and see how ds is doing when it comes to starting. For me I think the worst case would be that it's a total disaster so we'd have to pull him out and change schools - but for both you and I, hopefully by next summer we should both be in a clearer position about our ds' development, and also what support they might get. Are you in the process of applying for a statement?

Bialy I would disagree with you had I not met some truly amazing mothers such as PipinJo who with determination HAD managed it.

I also (and this is from my own experience admittedly) believe that a bodged up job of ABA would have still produced better outcomes for my ds than the nonsense the LA were giving us, which was for almost a year, nothing and then rubbish.

There are resources out there that can help such as the book edited by Catherine Maurice, and the Mariposa manual, as well as assessments/curriculums such as the VB-MAPP, Abylls, EYFS, Birth to 3 matters, the preschool skills assessment that I started another thread about.

They all break down skills that can be used as a basis for firstly assessment, and then target setting. There is also models on YouTube and probably and there are places you can download data sheets. If you learn all you can and then get someone in for a little bit just to model it can work.

I hear what you are saying, but you were fortunate enough (as was I) to get people in so the programme could get going faster, but the information is there for anyone to grab and people have done it and do do it.

Sorry, meant to say I would agree with you, had I not met people who had done it.

Deadly, please don't make yourself ill over this (says the woman who is always ill right now).

You can fight all you like, the chances are that in lots of ways, your DS won't be ready for school. He has SN. But you can do things to help him be secure, help him develop and get to the best place he can.

It may be a bit un-pc, but actually, our agenda has to change when we have a child with SN. We have to look a bit more strategically: What does he/she struggle with; which of those is going to be the hardest thing to cope with at school; can I change it by doing x, y, z?

So, first: Statement. All you have to do is write a letter. Do it now, and he could have a Statement by May, which gives his new school a few weeks to read it and think about their resources before the end of the summer. You could have that done by tomorrow, 1st class post or recorded.

The other thing is why can't he dress himself? For my DD, no amount of pressure from me and practice is going to uncurl her fingers. She needs time, so that her fingers strengthen. She needs other activities that give practice, like playdough.

Thank you ladies - we had a reasonable night last night and I think the sleep has helped me feel a bit more cheery.

Lougle - your right, it is only a letter. I think I am letting the fact that we live in Nottinghamshire shape my opinions of how hard its going to be.

The problem he has with dressing himself is his co-ordination and arm strength. The same with spoon/pen holding - his hands just dont seem to co-ordinate or grip properly.

I will have a look at an ABA programme and I have ordered a couple of books from Amazon - where is the best place to look for a Tutor? A google search just seemed to bring up wanted ads.

Glad your feeling better today. :)

Im not sure where to find a tutor sorry, just saying morning!

Hi Deadly, glad you're feeling bit better having had some sleep it makes a difference doesn't it..

We were at this point last year, fighting our way through the statementing process. We were told not to expect 1-1 without a fight and that in SN setting we definitely wouldn't get 1-1 but we did. DD2 started school in sept. I hardly got any sleep all summer fretting about how it would go, but I'm surprised me how well she has settled.

DD also finds it hard to play, and is a wanderer and explorer but has really enjoyed everything that is on offer for her to explore at school and her 1-1 helps make that meaningful for her. She has language and communication problems and can sign a little and use some single words only..

We have a split placement currently too, 2 days SN school and 3 days MS, both with 1-1. The fact that your DS has a 1-1 in nursery is good to have some evidence of it being necessary for him to access education fully. All your reports for the statement will need to show that.

Also dd only goes for the mornings at school and that works well for us. I felt too that she wasn't ready for full time and we are going to negociate for her to remain half days for as long as possible.

I agree with all the comments above about trying to take care of yourself and make sure you get some time out when you can and to maybe do a bit of writing to help get all your specific worries down to help contain them a bit. I find lists helpful myself! I try to make time for a good cry regularly too!

Also unashamedly using whatever support is around. Maybe talking to other SN parents, either on here or RL, or to ask GP for some counselling. I have short bursts of that whenever and wherever i can and find it invaluable.

Hope you get a sleep filled weekend.. hang in there..

Deadly, you can join ABA UK and put out an advert.

There are also some consultants that lean towards training the parents, who then hire tutors if they want support, rather than the other way round.

Their fees vary, but I have found this person very helpful and reasonable She was very generous with her phone time before we ever used her services, signposting to other people/support in the field.

Deadly, Moondog was chatting about precision teaching a couple of weeks ago. We were talking about the 'big 6' for fine motor skills. Very similar to ABA & crosses both in method and purpose.

Here is a really useful implementation document

Thanks Lougle - that looks really helpful :)

sorry to hear all this and that this is just a quick response but am rushing out in a min and only just seen your post.

i was in same position with my ds and managed to get a full year of part time school for him on full support.

this was for year 1 as we delayed entry and kept him in pre school. there is flexibility in the system but you have to fight for it. will post more details if you r interested.

hope you feel better about this as all here totally understand. my dh really laid back too and although i suppose it's good we both not stressed it doesn't help when they just tell you to relax!