How to cope with verbal and physical abuse from an 11 yo dd with Aspergers!

[thornrose]

My 11 yo dd has Aspergers. She has recently decided that I am ugly, fat and generally respulsive (I'm not of course )From the minute she wakes up she has to virtually shield her eyes from my hideousness. Then she starts with the insults and it is so soul destroying.
I've felt for a while she is building up to pyhsically "attack" me (she's not physically imposing at all thank goodness). This morning it happened. She slapped my arm and then kept trying to hit me ( and suceeded a few times) and telling me she is going to kill me.
She's not at all scary or intimidating but this cannot go on!
I need to know, has anyone been through this? what the hell did you do?
I know to an extent why she does what she does, I know where it comes from, I simply need advice on what to actually do....

Hi thornrose,

I have a nearly 4 year old dd, so i'm afraid my advice is going to be limited. I should obviously say that she possibly has Aspergers.

My guess is that it's her hormones. 11 is a horrible age for anyone but I would have thought for a girl with Aspergers, the start of pubity is going to be tough for both of you. I would definitely think about taking her to your GP and having a chat.

How is your dd generally? Would you say her symptoms of having Aspergers Syndrome are normally fairly mild or do they affect her a lot?

My ds is also 11 with Aspergers. He can be rude, insulting, and his sense of humour can be offensive. He used to be aggressive and at times violent.

I've always taken the approach that Aspergers or not, offensive behaviour is not tolerated by me or any other branch of society. I see it as my role as his parent to teach him how to have a place in society and that means he must learn that such behaviour will not be accepted.

Every time he insults me, whether intentional or not, results in a consequence of some sort. I am firm with him and there are no exceptions. As a matter of course I will help him to learn what is acceptable behaviour and what is not and how he can control himself so that people will want to be part of his life. But if he knows where the lines are and chooses to cross them, then he will have to accept the results of those choices.

You need to clamp down on this now. Your dd may not be physically intimidating or scary now but one day she may be and you could find yourself unable to control her. Stand firm, you are the adult and she needs to accept your rules.

We went through this when DS was 12.
Whilst I agree that it is not acceptable and that Aspergers is not an excuse, it can be very difficult to control. We tried all sorts of sanctions and punishments, but many of them just made him more oppositional and his behaviour escalated. Eventually we resorted to medication because it was so bad. Fast forward and he is nearly 16 and much more stable and reasonable and reducing his meds.
He couldn't tell us what was causing the problems but it turned out to be a combination of hormones and the stress of starting secondary school and his increasing sense of isolation from his peers.
The time to talk to your dd is when she is being reasonable and then you can lay down some ground rules eg if you do this, that will happen. We tried to stick to this, even though it did get horrendous at times.
We also rewarded him for good times.
It is also important to remain calm at all times, a tough call and we didn't always succeed.
Have heard of people finding 123 Magic helpful.

Totally agree with what has already been said.
Hormones are a pain along with school transition, peer group issues etc etc
but AS or not rules are rules and what she's doing isn't acceptable.. And she does need to learn to cope in a reasonable way as society actually won't bend around her. ( this is just my stance on it I understand if you feel differently).
Anyway what we did was use a traffic light system combined with red and yellow cards and very very firm rules routines and coping stratagies...
We tried punishments ( taking something ds liked away. Or ten minutes off bed time etc).. But he justdidnt respond at all to it.. So instead we use the justice system ( you can find this in tony attwoods complete guide to aspergers).. Or probably online.

( if you search my name I've posted lots about our traffic light :))

your not alone, but lots of hard work and it can get better :)

How does she respond to Social Stories? You might be able to use one or some to teach her about what is appropriate to say, and having respect for other people.

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has the right to an opinion. Sometimes it's fun to share opinions with others. Sometimes our opinions may hurt another person's feelings.

When I tell Mummy she is fat and ugly, it makes her feel sad. It is ok to have an opinion of my own, but it is not ok to make another person feel sad.

When Mummy is sad, she may not want to plan fun things to do at the weekend. When Mummy is sad, she may not want to make nice things for tea. She may shout and act grumpy.

I can help Mummy to feel happy by not saying she is fat or ugly. Mummy loves me very much and wants to do fun things with me and make nice things for me to eat. These are things that make me happy too.

My Mummy loves me very much.

Adapt/ignore as appropriate HTH

completely agree with streaky bacon and lv purple pidgeons story. you have to find a way to get your dd to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable.

in addition to what they suggest I often find a sanction which in our case would be loss of vid game time is extremely helpful!

looking forward to hearing about your dds newfound respect for you! good luck...

ps totally agree that stress can be behind some of these behaviours but do believe it pays to give boundaries and then you can seek out any possible stressors...

Thanks everyone - I'm in full agreement with everyone that this is NOT acceptable. I am a strong parent and I normally work with boundaries, discipline and consequences but this has thrown me.
She is really struggling to make friends and feels she doesn't fit in anywhere. She hates herself she is a very unhappy angry little girl. Her hormones are playing a big part. I know all this and I know it's a terrible thing to say but what about me? How can I deal with this day in day out?
I work with ASD children, I know the theory but this behaviour from my own child brings out some feelings in me I do not like. I feel weak and out of control and the verbal abuse is starting to eat away at me.
I'm a lone parent, dd's dad died earlier this year, has anyone ever received respite care from anywhere?
I know it's not meant to be about me but right now I feel like I'm struggling to cope.

wow that's such a lot to deal with for you both and explains the extreme nature of her behaviour. yes sounds like you need a break and some support with this. what are your local services like?

It does indeed explain a lot of her behaviours, however she still needs to be aware that other people can't be made to suffer as a result of her sadness and/or any other issues in her life that are upsetting her. She needs help to find appropriate ways of dealing with how she feels and she cannot take it out on her mum.

Thornrose, I have a number of tools you might find interesting and helpful, including social stories, 5-point scales, choice cards etc etc. I appreciate that you work with ASD kids and will already know a fair bit but there might be something new here that suits your daughter. PM me if you're interested.

I've just moved to a new area so haven't accessed services yet. I will check out what's out there.
I tend to use the mantra "yes you are angry but you are not angry with me and you mustn't take it out on me" and "you are allowed to be angry but not with me as I haven't done anything wrong" it kind of works.
Streakybacon, I will definitely PM you later I'm always up for trying new ideas especially tried and tested ones!