Urge to smack interfering people in public

[Triggles]

We had DS2 (4yo) and DS3 (15months) out and about in town the other day. It was a busy day, as we had some specific errands to run, but we made sure to take a break at lunch and sit down to give DS2 a chance to regroup. (Pizza Hut - thank goodness for the buffet that has pasta, breadsticks, and apples, which is all he'll eat there! LOL)

Anyway... we went into Lakeland and were looking at something in particular, when an older woman started talking to the boys. She was just being friendly, but she was asking him questions (oh, what's your name, how old are you...on and on), and DS2 just went into shut-down mode as he was tired and simply couldn't cope with conversation and questions at that point. So he did his usual "shut-down" thing when in public - sat down on floor, then laid down on floor and wouldn't talk or move - which generally I can deal with, given a few minutes to allow him to regroup. However, this woman just leaned over him and started in with "oh that's not very nice, are you being naughty...."

I get that she was just being friendly initially (although to be fair, if you see a child that is clearly not willing to speak to you, do you keep trying to converse with them or ask them questions? ), but I could have cheerfully slapped her when she started going on then. Luckily, DH stepped in between her and DS2 at that point and basically presented his back to her. Not the most subtle, and honestly uncharacterically reserved of DH. He said later it was all he could do not to shout at her, but he didn't want to upset DS2.

I didn't want to post this on AIBU as people there tend to get slammed when they say things like "can't people just leave my kids alone in public?".... but really... can't people just leave my kid alone in public?? I know it sounds like I'm being all precious and such, but because he's 4, they expect him to CONVERSE with them... and he's just not prepared to... strangers asking him questions makes him uncomfortable as he often doesn't know how to respond (which often either leads to more questions or the same question repeated).

Ok, sorry. Rant over...

YANBU. My neighbours 2(?) year old daughter introduced herself to me the other day. I was polite but I didn't think it appropriate to keep chatting to her as I don't know her parents. Seems a bit off of this woman to talk to your child without your input?

It does seem to be older people ime, I have really mixed feelings on this one, as I like talking to random people always have done, ever since a child...

but I so want to slap people who loom over ds, in his face and insist on talking to him assuming that no reply means 'keep going'

It's a bit easier for us I think, cos I just say this is ds, he's got very little speech, he uses signs mostly, but you might get an 'ELLO!!' (and they usually do) and that tends to deflect them, can see it would be even more stressful for your ds

Older folks are either brilliant at noticing that your dc might not be NT (usually knowing grannies) or are completely rude and outspoken if you dc doesn't react in the way they think they should. They're usually the ones who offer 'advice' too.

Mostly my DS brings out the best in little old ladies - he was looked after by my MIL went he was little and I worked part time and has now a large posse of little old ladies (her friends) who just love him. And give him sweets...

How you didn't rip that woman's face off, I'll never know.

Why on earth didn't you just intervene and say 'DS isn't being rude, but he doesn't like talking to strangers'? That would have solved the problem. Poor lady isn't a mind reader, is she?

yanbu
sn or nt, you speak to a child, they ignore you, you move on, I do not like this idea that complete strangers feel they can tell any child off.
well don to your dh

People like that really wind me up too, I have spent the last 3 years trying to teach Dd3 stranger danger and then along they come and expect her to talk to them..

Well done to your Dh I would love to have seen that, he deserves a pat on the back..

YANBU when it comes to her berating your kid.

I do tend to explain to people who try to strike up a conversation with my kids that they don't tend to talk to strangers who talk to them - in DS2's case that he doesn't talk at all. It can save a bit of embarrassment and help to prevent the kids from being put in such an uncomfortable situation.

Lougle -I did say "he's really not feeling very chatty today" when she first said hello to him as he initially hid his face in my coat, but she continued asking him questions and it just spiralled quickly. DS2 & I were a bit trapped in an aisle with her on one side and DH on the other with DS3's pushchair.

I certainly don't expect her to be a mind reader, but I just don't feel it's necessary for her to continue on and then make comments about him being naughty and such when he laid down on the floor. At that point, it shouldn't take much common sense for her to realise her comments are not necessary or helpful(although obviously it takes more common sense than she possessed).

That being said, years ago, when DD was a toddler, she refused to speak to strangers for awhile. God only knows why... just one of those "if you're not in my immediate family, I'm not speaking" phases I guess. When she did this in a shop in the states, an elderly couple did try to get her to talk, and she turned her head away and ignored them. When I explained that she didn't like to talk to strangers, the woman accused me of making my 2yo paranoid and said "she'll grow up sad and alone because you've made her scared to speak to anyone!" Um, no. Her choice, she didn't want to speak to you.

Just can't seem to win. Yes, it does seem to be the elderly. And I have no issue with them chatting with the kids, as long as the kids are happy to do so. It's when they get pushy that I get irate.

Just a point though.. this summer, an older gentleman (easily in his 70-80s) sitting in the seat across from us on the bus saw DS2 sitting with his fingers in his ears and chatted in a very relaxed manner with DS2, talking about all the people on the bus and how it was noisy and sometimes he liked to put his fingers in his ears too (and then he did so, causing DS2 to laugh). He got a good reaction from DS2 because he was NOT pushy, very relaxed, and didn't EXPECT DS2 to talk if he didn't want to. So I know it's not all people.... that man on the bus was lovely to DS.

You have my sympathies. I often think - which part of 'ds has no speech' do people not understand?

It's like they don't believe me!

I sometimes think it's like a challenge to them if you say they don't want to speak (or can't), as some will say "oh he's just a little shy.. can't you smile?...." and keep on.

Ahh, well you didn't say that She was being an old lady. One did it to my DD a few months ago. Completely in her 'meltdown zone', in a Special Needs buggy, with her younger sister walking nicely alongside. "Oh, don't be naughty, you'll upset the birdies...."

I just say "sorry they are taught not to talk to strangers!" and walk off

YANBU

Members of the public can be immensely frustrating

YANBU

I hate having to explain, I don't mind saying something along the lines of 'he doesn't talk much' or as you did 'he's not very chatty' etc but it's when people continue to badger him.

'oh are you shy then?'

'What about a smile for me?' 'oh are you having a miserable day' then to me 'they all have their grumpy days don't they?'

No he was fine til you started pushing your face in his and bugging him.

Ds does the lying on the floor thing a lot. He enjoys it, gets some sensory feedback from it I think and I don't rush him or, well you can guess the fun of rushing him up!

But well meaning people are forever coming to help him up/talk to him/tell him off.

Grrrrrr

Argh - just got back in from an A&E visit. DS2 fell onto the pavement during school and smacked his forehead. So they called me and asked me to pick him up and take him to A&E. Explained to both doctor and nurse that DS2 is not greatly forthcoming with answering questions, and yet both the nurse and the doctor ask DS2 questions over and over about what happened. Then look at me and say "is he normally like this?" Well, yes I DID tell you....

They asked me 3 times if this occurred in school (um.. yes, I did mention it a few times already...), asked me about previous injuries to him (both on record, both occurred in preschool), and then asked me again if this occurred in school. nevermind that it's the middle of the day, he's in school uniform still, and wearing a big sticker saying "I bumped my head today." Then he said "if he hasn't been sick or passed out, why did you bring him in
to A&E?" Well, because the school was freaking out over the injury and insisted they wanted me to take him to A&E. I imagine if I said no, I would have found social services on my doorstop tomorrow.

Sigh. Not the best of days today.

at the lovely man on the bus.

Not at all like the idiot in the waiting room last time I took ds to the dentist. He said "I'm the dentist and if you don't behave I'll pull all your teeth out"

"the nurse and the doctor ask DS2 questions "

I'mo neither a doctor or nurse, but I have been taught to always to speak to the person not the carer IYSWIM. It (apparently) shows respect to the person, regardless fo their abilities because you are including them in the conversation...

I'm not commenting on whether this is the right or wrong attitude, but may explain their behaviour?

purplepidjin - oh no, honestly I understand them taking a crack at asking him a couple questions, but they both just kept asking - the doctor alone asked him between 8-10 questions, even when DS2 was obviously not willing to talk and tried to crawl under the chair to avoid the doctor. Top that with "is he always like this - won't he answer?" after I'd just told him this is the likely reaction, it was just a bit frustrating.

Having worked in the medical field previously, I know it's best to get the information straight from the injured/ill person. However, when that person is obviously not able or willing to share, one would think you would then ask the parent. Plus, I had already told him the only info I had was that he'd tripped over another child and fall and hit his head. Unknown if he lost consciousness but don't believe so. And that's it. End of story, that's all I had from the school. So he can ask me six ways til Sunday (which he did!) if I was SURE I didn't have any other information, but I can only tell him what they told me.

Pixel - at the dentist!! unbelievable that someone would tell a child that! I can see where a known patient that he has a rapport with for quite some time might think it was a joke, but other than that it was pretty inappropriate.

maybe I'll just having an intolerant week.... I just grow tired of constant explanations, having people ignore them and proceed anyway and fail miserably, only to have to AGAIN give the explanation (that they wouldn't listen to the first time).

It wasn't the dentist who said it, it was another patient in the waiting room. Ds being ASD I wasn't sure if he would understand and take it literally so I had to say in a loud voice "It's ok ds, the real dentist is a lovely lady isn't she", while shooting a filthy look at the nutter other patient.