Can anyone help with explaining the death/pts of a pet to a child with ASD?

[moosemama]

I have a thread in Pets/Dogs at the moment, as my old girl is very poorly and we don't think she will be with us much longer.

Dd is only 21 months and won't really understand. Ds2 loves the dogs and will be upset, but we have talked already and he understands. So while he will be sad, it will be within normal bounds and we will deal with it together.

Ds1 has ASD. He has never paid any attention to the dogs, particularly not the one who is dying and I foolishly thought this would mean he would hand;t it the best. A few weeks ago, we had a bit of a chat about the dog and how poorly she is and he asked if she was going to die. I explained that she is very old and ill and that she is going to die sometime soon, but we don't know when and also that we need to be a bit quieter around her and look after extra carefully from now on. He then got very upset and distressed, although at the time it seemed to be at the thought of her not being there anymore. (Her bed is under our kitchen table and to him, she has always just been there. She is nearly 6 years older than him, so has always been in his life.)

Thing is, I'm really not sure how much of his distress is about the dog dying and how much is the thought of things changing beyond his control. So I don't know how to approach handling this with him. He is very rigid with specific things eg will not even allow us to talk about the possibility of one day moving house, won't let us redecorate his bedroom and remove his bang on the door alphabet sticker frieze, cannot cope with the thought that our camper van might one day not be repairable etc etc. He doesn't even like us to rearrange the furniture. Basically, he likes things at home to stay the same and I have a feeling this is at the root of his distress.

We have two other dogs, one of whom he did show some interest in when he was a pup, not sure how that affects the picure, but at least we won't be completely dogless, which I think would be worse for him to deal with.

I'm obviously very emotional about the whole thing myself at the moment (have just sobbed all over dh when he came home for lunch ) and I'm also worried that my being upset is going to make the whole thing worse for ds1.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or does anyone have any wise words or suggestions at all? I would be so grateful for any advice as I really don't have a clue on this one.

Bump? Anyone?

I do understand its a small thing compared to many people's problems on here.

Could you do a photo album of the dog together so that will still be there when the dog is not?

Might give him something else to focus on for now?

Thanks for replying chocoholic.

It might help to do a photo album, but I'm not sure how much, as her not being there would still be a huge change from homelife as he has always known it iyswim.

Would a social story help? I am not great with them but plenty of people on here are.

I understand what you mean about the constant. Could you get something else - such as a toy dog that could live in her box under the table when she has gone - would that help?

What about asking his teacher to talk about it in school? My DS often listens better when something is explained by his teacher.

He wouldn't be upset about the fact that you said he needs to be quieter and looked after extra carefully? Would he have thought you meant he needs to do this rather than you being responsible for the dog still?
He might have got confused about some additional responsibility you appeared to be giving him.

Just trying to think about it from my sons literal point of view.

Thanks for your reply DeadlyNightShadeofViolet. I haven't ever needed to use social stories with him before. He is very high functioning and not particularly literal, so its usually possible to talk things through and explain things to him. I think its more a case of finding the right approach to explaining it all and then helping through the inevitable changes in the household.

Unforunately the toy dog idea wouldn't work, he likes things to be exactly as they were, an approximation would just make him anxious. As it is, one of our other dogs covets the under the table position, so I'm sure she'll be in there as soon as she gets half a chance, so there will still be a dog at his feet when he's doing his homework etc, it'll just be the wrong dog.

I don't think school would be much help really. I think he listens less to his teacher than he does to me!

Chocoholic, he definitely understood what I meant.

I probably worded it badly in my post, but we had a talk and I explained that as the dog is very old and poorly, we would all need to be more considerate around her, perhaps be a bit calmer and quieter when we are near her bed etc. I also explained that I would probably have to take her to the vets a few times and she might need special care and attention medically as well.

I was trying to prepare him for the change in the way we have to look after her as well as the very real possibility that she might die or have to be pts soon.

I'm ashamed to say I didn't get around to explaining about the possiblity of pts or what that means to him though. I just couldn't get my head around how to explain it so that he would see it as anything other than us killing our dog.

I'm kind of hoping that whatever happens, happens when he is at school so I can just tell him she passed away, rather than having to explain about the vets and what they do etc.

I'm probably being really wimpy about it, but I'm finding it particulary tough to talk about, as she is such a special old girl to me - we did a lot of training and competition work together when she was a youngster and she came to college with me when I did my canine studies programme before I had the dcs. I learned everything thing I know about dog behaviour and training from working with her.

moosemama i can kind of empathise - not with a dog, but DCs grandma. DS1 is dyspraxic and does have other ASD traits. he is very sensitive with things that he has no control over.
My mum came to live with us as she has alzheimers. She is now in full time residential care as she needs 24 hour supervision and i could not manage this and 3DC.
We have spoken over the years as to what is wrong with Grandma. Things like life expectancy also has cropped up. We visited a zoo that had this info - and predators and gestation etc. He was very interested. He also saw her behaviour get worse, and eventually not recognise him.
TBH, I think he gets fed up that each time we visit we have talks about grandma not always being with us. He didn't even make a big deal of it when she left for the home. I think that was because nothing actually fundamentally changed his routine. He still did everything he did before.
I found that being almost brutally honest as to what was happening to her helped. You don't get as emotional telling somebody the facts if it's very scientific. He also thinks that it is a fact of life that she has this disease and she is nearing her life expectancy anyway.
We also asked him what he thought about what makes a person, the body or the soul/spirit. What did he think might happen to both when she died. It was not a religious conversation, just his own thoughts. He came to his own conclusion that he would always remember grandma and their chats and some of the funnier times. So she wouldn't be forgotten.
I expect him to be sad when she dies, but i don't think it will last. His routine will not be altered by it.
My other 2 DS don't give a monkies!
Sorry, long rambly post that doesn't really help!
Honesty and frank discussion - even about pts. that's probably my advice.

Aww, I'm sorry - I can't really think of anything very useful to help with the situation with ds1 I'm afraid, but just wanted to say sorry that you may have to lose your lovely old girl

Are there any parallels you can draw on from past events that might reassure him? Eg it's like when x moved house, or when we went to that different cinema that time, or when we went to x place and something was different.

ie Some other situation/event in the past where something had changed and how brilliantly he coped with it. And how this would be kind of like that...

Sorry, not worded very well but hope ygwim.

Thank you auntevil. I see what you're saying and ds is actually very into biology at the moment and has his how the body works books out all the time. He's very scientific, so maybe a scientific approach would work. I suppose, because its so emotional for me, I hadn't thought about discussing it with him in a more scientific way.

You're right that his routine won't be changed either. I thought that would help him as well, but he has been suffering from a lot of anxiety recently and is just about to start CBT for it. I do wonder if that's had an impact as well, as he was already coming from a place of anxiety, iyswim.

He's having 10 weeks of CBT so hopefully when she goes, it will be something he can talk about with his psych as well as me.

Its so weird, as I can't remember even one time in his life that he's even stroked her or asked me a question about her. He didn't even appear to notice our dogs until he was at school and they asked who had pets at home.

BialystockandBloom. Thank you for your kind words.

We are very fortunate not to have lost many people in our family. The closest thing we've been through, was when I lost my Dad. Ds1 was 4 at the time and Dad had been ill for a long time, so he'd gradually seen less and less of him and when he eventually did die, it didn't affect ds at all other than me being upset and having to travel overseas without him for the funeral.

Perhaps I could use some of that experience as well, in that yes, Grandad died and we were all very sad and we do miss him, but we still remember him and all the happy times we had with him and our lives have gone on as normal without him here?

Maybe that, with a bit of carefully edited scientific information about what's going on might be a way forward.

Thank you all for your help. I will have a think about it and see what I can come up with.

The dog seems to have rallied a bit and is a lot perkier and happy this morning. So it look like, we might have her for a little while longer yet. It also means that, hopefully, I still have time to prepare ds properly.

My DS often asks questions now about life spans. He was fascinated by the dragonflies over the summer - and they are phenomenally short on the lifespan front! I think it puts life in context for them. DS also likes the food chain and if animals weren't killed by natural predators we would be overrun by animals and if we don't look after certain species the food chain can't operate. I'm not suggesting that you go the predators route (!) but the context of life and order by science does make sense. You don't need to even mention dogs. Bugs and dinosaurs explain the concepts fine.

Thanks auntevil. A general talk about the cycle of life might help him to process some of it without having to make it all about dogs. That's a really good idea.

Didn't get chance to speak to him last night as we were out from just after the school run until 1.00 am. (First night off in two years barring one wedding and a weekend at a festival that had to be cut short as ds1 was really ill.)

His teacher reported that he is being defiant at school and even less able to concentrate than usual. He says he doesn't know what's wrong, but I think he's just not 'in touch' with it.

I am hoping to sit down and have a talk with him tonight, but don't want it to seem contrived, so will have to be led by how he is after school. If he's anything like he's been the rest of the week (he's had two migraines already this week) it could be the weekend before I can get him to settle enough to talk.