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Original poster

*^*#+* hell .. Can exdh do this?

28 replies

TheArsenicCupCake · 31/10/2010 19:59

Ds's have come back from their dads ( again)..

Ds2 is all over the place and keeps repeating that his Paternal grandfather and father are going into his school to stop all SEN support as there is nothing wrong with him!

Can ex actually do this?

( ds1 15 and NT confirms this is what ds2 has been told).

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheArsenicCupCake · 31/10/2010 20:01

Just a quick add.. Ex is a teacher.. Ex pils are retired teachers/ofsted inspectors .. And they use this fact to their full advantage!

Is it worth getting a prohibative steps order?

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IndigoBell · 31/10/2010 20:33

Ohhhhh. This is terrible.

I have no idea whether they can do this. I would be surprised if they could - but why don't you ring the SENCO first thing tomorrow and discuss your concerns with her....

They certainly couldn't get him taken off the SEN register because that would be the schools decision not the parents.

Maybe post this on the primary school forum, there's lots of really good teachers who post there all the time.

I would certainly try everything legally to stop your ex - but I guess it won't be easy or cheap. But maybe worth it longterm?

LucindaCarlisle · 31/10/2010 20:36

What they have said to DS could be argued to be "emotional Abuse"

redhappy · 31/10/2010 20:39

Do you have dx? Are the school supportive of you and ds generally?

I agree speak to the SENCO asap, but I really can't see they will agree to take it away. I'm assuming school have paperwork confirming ds' difficulties (ie. from professionals).

Do you think CAB could help? I'm sure there must be many disputes between parents where the school is required to take one parent as the authority?

LucindaCarlisle · 31/10/2010 20:39

Ask the two sons to write a note of what took place, who was present, time it was said, and tone of voice, and was it said in a nasty manner. If you know any semi independent person who could come round to your house now and the boys disclose what was said.

LucindaCarlisle · 31/10/2010 20:42

You could complain to the GTC about the behaviour of EXDH

coppertop · 31/10/2010 20:45

The grandfather will have absolutely no say in the matter whatsoever, no matter what his previous job was.

I'd also be extremely surprised if your ex was able to have the support stopped. I agree though that you should speak to the school and explain what's been said.

:( for you and ds2 that you're even having to think about such a thing.

LucindaCarlisle · 31/10/2010 20:49

Personally, I am very angry about this, on behalf of ds1. I do think it amounts to child emotional abuse. I suggest that you speak to SENCO and ask her to request the schools "Child Protection teacher" to interview DS1 and write down what was said to him.

daisy5678 · 31/10/2010 20:49

(lucinda, just stop - no, she couldn't, any more than she could complain to Tesco if her ex worked at Tesco. I don't know what your issue is except you hate all teachers, social workers, benefits agency people...you need to stop trying to draw everyone in to your massively inappropriate and unhelpful conspiracy theories.)

Arsenic, who has parental responsibility? If it's you, he can't do anything. If it's both of you, you are both welcome to put your views at an Annual Review (I'm assuming ds is on SA+ or Statemented?) and then the SENCO/ HT would decide whose views they would put forward as the official recommendations to LA.

He can't just go in and stop it all, not if you have any parental responsibility legally.

I would contact the school and ask them to contact you if he contacts them, for a review and to 'plan the way forward'.

Good luck.

daisy5678 · 31/10/2010 20:50

Lucinda, re: reporting to GTC, my post meant.

purplepidjin · 31/10/2010 20:51

Ouch! Hugs and empathy offered as no practical advice :(

Original poster
TheArsenicCupCake · 31/10/2010 20:58

Both ex and I have PR

ds has a dx and is on SA+ ( we are trying to get a statement)... School are helpful and should be okay.

Thanks I'll talk to SENco in the morning !

Honestly everytime the boys go down there .. There is something new to fix!

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IndigoBell · 31/10/2010 21:04

Could DS be 'sick' next time he was due to visit??????

I do think schools are very used to warring parents and are experienced at handling shit like this. They'll also be used to parents in denial about SEN. And they'll be glad that you are helpful and supportive and annoyed that your ex is in denial and trying to derail them.

There is no way they are going to be pleased to have a parent (especially a know it all teacher) tell them to withdraw all the support the school thinks is necessary....

bigcar · 31/10/2010 21:05

that's awful! As others said, contact head and senco tomorrow to see what they can do. I would have thought if statemented they could do nothing at all as it's legally binding, until a review comes up. Exfil can only be there to support exh, he shouldn't have any power on his own to do anything. Even if exh said to remove all support at a review I'm not sure how much luck he would have as all views have to be taken into consideration.

It's also worth pointing out that children can behave differently in different surroundings, so what ds2 does with you and school isn't necessarily the same as with exh which is presumably for a much shorter time. So just because he sees no problems doesn't mean they don't exist.

bigcar · 31/10/2010 21:12

sorry xpost, I think without a statement and 2 parents disagreeing they would have to refer higher, if it comes to that, before withdrawing support. I would hope if he does approach school they will treat him as in denial more than anything.

Original poster
TheArsenicCupCake · 31/10/2010 21:16

Indigo .. Your right .. I've managed to almost calm ds2 down..

I need to get my head together to sort this out tomorrow .

Bloody ex.. ( you know that man has never ever even been a full time parent to ds2.. And I know this is actually payback because the csa have asked for his p60... Long long story!)

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Original poster
TheArsenicCupCake · 31/10/2010 21:20

Bigcar.. You are right in not seeing any issues down there.. If ex isn't on the spectrum I will eat my hat ( and the cp and other camhs workers who have met him have all said the same thing).

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bigcar · 31/10/2010 21:29

if you haven't started already, I would be keeping a detailed diary of all things that are said, by whom and when if you think this is the way things are heading.

WetAugust · 31/10/2010 22:00

Truly appalling behaviour by ex and his family [shocked]

However....

There is nothing they can do to stop SEN support.

The reason is that school has a statutory duty to identify, assess and support SENs - that's the law.

Even if the parent wanted no support they cannot stop support being given.

Hope this helps.

Ineed2 · 31/10/2010 22:09

How awful for you and your sons,
Why is it some absent fathers think it's ok to behave like this?
I am sure the school will support you but it's not the point, its very upsetting for you all.

If he carries on behaving like this your sons will not want to see him, you may know from a previous post that of my Dads 4 children 2 never see him, 1 sees him when he turns up on her doorstep and the 4th sees him when he needs money.

Good luck speaking to the school in the morning.

Original poster
TheArsenicCupCake · 31/10/2010 22:37

Thanks .. This is exactly the reason I got the hell out of the marriage!

I've managed to calm down a bit.. Ds2 is finally asleep
and I'll have a chat with school in the morning.

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Original poster
TheArsenicCupCake · 01/11/2010 09:05

Have talked to school already .. The were brilliant :)

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bigcar · 01/11/2010 09:22

that's good to hear Smile

Original poster
TheArsenicCupCake · 01/11/2010 09:29

Thanks bigcar :)

ooooh had a bit of an angry upset worried wobble there.
School are going to have a gentle chat with ds about what may have been said and will help me out on that too.. And we have a camhs appointment at the end of the week .. So I'm sure it will come out the as well.

The hard thing is ds does actually want to spend time with his dad.. and I'd be breaking a court order if I stopped him going.. But with a natter with school and camhs and the fact that they are aware that I'm worried.. Hopefully we can get this sorted out together.

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cornsilkpyrotechnicqueen · 01/11/2010 16:35

what a pair of idiots. Typical ofsted inspectors knowing nothing about sen Wink