Can you help?

[StarkAndWitchesWillFindYou]

I'm in a bit of a wierd situation. I have a friend who's ds' is undergoing lots of tests for developmental delay. He is the same age as ds and she has asked for support.

The trouble is, I have known them from the day he was born and the mum, whilst really lovely is the most stifling mother ever. Has always followed him around doing everything for him, talking endlessly about him, totally preoccupied by him, paranoid about lumps in the food, spilling anything, getting any mess on himself.

She is now obviously extremely distressed by the news that her child may not be doing as well as he could be and is very cross with the professionals and in denial.

If I'm perfectly honest, and this is hard for me to say, I think that some, if not all of his difficulties are linked to her parenting. God, I can't believe I even said that.

Now the right thing to do, is put my beliefs on hold and just support her in whatever way I can. But I just don't know what the best thing to do is. How awful if her ds really does have an underlying cause and she is left unsupported with that.

What would you do?

I'd probably support her, whatever the reasons, her ds needs help [hsmile]

Tough one - support yes.
It is very hard to overtly help anyone who doesn't want it. My SIL is in total denial that there is anything at all wrong with my nephews. Took more than a year to fill out a Connors report and that was only because the school threatened her with social services. 1 sits in the corner at school and refuses to work (year1) The other (year4) has to sit on his own to do work as he cannot do anything if he feels like he is being watched, and then will write the same word over and over until it looks perfect. this info is from MIL. My SIL's reason for this - they are naturally shy and what is wrong with being a perfectionist!
She does not help them to socialise. My MIL does everything she can to help them interact with other children - but does not insist that she takes things further. On balance she is probably right as you need a parents input to make any intervention work.
Just be a friend - maybe invite them over and do messy activities (covered up!), show him how enjoyable controlled mess can be - and how easy it is to clean (for her). She will be the parent she will be unless she chooses to change.

Thanks.

I'll try. I hate the fact that I think it is partly down to her because there is enough of that about in the SN world without her 'friends' thinking it too.

my gut feeling - give her the benefit of the doubt as to developmental issues, as I imagine the vast majority of NT children develop fine well even if they do have over-protective parents.

I would carry on supporting her and maybe suggest ways to help him move forward in a supportive way. Its possible it could be about her parenting but until you knowbest be a good friend.

I'd just be supportive and let the professionals tell her if they think her parenting skills are stifling her DS. As Pumpkin says most children will not have noticeable delays just from over protective parenting.

I think you have had good advice

Children are resillient, and although outright neglect obviously can cause withdrawn children and so on, for the vast majority of 'different parenting' the child will continue to grow and develop appropriately.

I don't think that being excessively tidy or anxious causes a development delay that is flagged by professionals.

My DD2 is quite a little perfectionist, I call her my little policeman. It is just a character trait, and causes no concern, I have checked with preschool. This is despite our chaotic household with 3 under 5 and one with SN.

Support her like crazy, because if it is due to her parenting, that will be even harder for her to cope with, and will need more support and understanding than if there is an organic cause for her DS's delays, IMO.

Thanks everyone. I suppose I am also 'hoping' that it is her parenting, because she is such an anxious parent as it is I would worry for her with a child with SN (not that makes her excempt I know), and also I remember wishing more than anything that my parenting was causing ds' difficulties when it got close to dx.

I mean, I am certain that her ds doesn't talk because she answers for him and talks over him, but I suppose she may do that because he struggles rather than has caused him to struggle.

You're right though, I should focus on the needs of the family and the child rather than the causes of the difficulty. Support is needed whatever.