Today I have had enough (warning: long pathetically self-pitying post)

[moosemama]

Nothing major has happened, no school, LEA or health related disaster. I have been quite poorly and had to carry one because ds was away on business and am very tired, so things are probably quite disproportionate for me and for the most part, its the small stuff that's got on top of me.

I don't really know why I'm posting, except I need to let it out somewhere and I am in danger of taking it out on the dcs with one almighty strop if I don't.

I'm also increasingly starting to realise that ds2 is showing a lot of the same traits as ds1. I thought it was just me that had been thinking this, but dh has noticed too. They've not really been all that noticeable until now, everything easy to put down to being young, or taking a bit longer to learn etc, but he's just gone into year 2 and it was during year 2 that things started to go downhill for ds1.

I don't think he has ASD, he is very sociable, well liked by all the children in his year and doesn't seem to struggle with the social side of school at all - which is a relief. I'm not sure what the problem is to be honest, dyspraxia maybe? Although he has good fine motor skills, nice handwriting and loves to draw for hours on end. In the main, its becoming more and more obvious that he can't organise himself 'at all' and all the usual losing things, leaving things in school near constant falls, bumps, scrapes. He's hopeless at dressing himself, struggles with buttons and zips, put his socks on upside down and his pants on inside out or back to front etc. We have also started to notice that he is becoming less and less sensitive in the way he speaks to people and is coming across as quite blunt, if not rude - particularly with adults. As well as all that, there's this gut feeling, a kind of uneasy feeling that niggles at me that something just isn't right.

I went to fetch them from school, which is literally across the road from our house. It takes 3 minutes door to door to get to the place they come out at the end of the day. Today it took 45 minutes to collect them!

When I went to get ds2, he didn't come out with the rest of the class and I finally spotted him sobbing just inside the doors. He couldn't carry all the things he needed to bring home, but hadn't been able to think that he should put his lunch box, drink bottle etc in his bag and actually wear his coat and gloves rather than trying to carry them. His teacher hadn't even noticed he was missing.

Then when ds1 came out, not only was he the last child (out of 450) to leave the building, he then ran back in to fetch something he'd forgotten and didn't emerge for over ten minutes. By then two different teachers had gone to find him and we were literally the only people left in the playground. When he finally did emerge, it was a repeat performance of ds2, arms full of books, drink bottles, hats, gloves etc plus trying to carry his coat instead of wearing it.

Got home and ds2 blocked the entire doorway whilst removing his coat, shoes etc, then left his bag, lunch box coat and shoes strewn up the stairs so that no-one else could get past. This left ds1, myself and dd stuck outside on the doorstep in the cold. They both have their own pegs where they are supposed to hang school bags and coats etc. We have the same routine for it every day, yet I still have to coach them through it "hang your bag on your peg" ... "hang your lunch bag up" ... "hang up your coat" ... "put your shoes in the basket" etc etc etc ad nauseum, every single afternoon and still find they haven't done it afterwards.

I am starting to feel like I live in groundhog day.

I just can't do this anymore and I know I don't have it in me to micro-manage both of them to the level I have to with ds1. Sometimes I struggle to cope with all the things I have to do for one child with ASD and Dyspraxia, let alone the two of them.

I was watching dd (21 months) this morning. She was drawing on her drawing board with a perfect pencil grip and drawing really good zig-zag lines, she can already put on her own shoes and socks (both her brothers still struggle with this) as well as her gloves and hat and is just so nt that watching her makes me realise with a sinking feeling that, in actual fact, neither of her brothers are. I think I have been kidding myself about ds2 all along and I am so angry with myself as well as feeling overwhelmed by the realisation.

I thought half term would be a break, but we have 1-2-1 pilates sessions booked for five of the days and we have to go and visit relatives on the only other free day. So there isn't one single day we can just get up and 'be' for a while, we have to be up dressed and out every day and I know this isn't going to go down well with ds1, but I didn't book the appointments and neither am I paying for them so I had to take what was offered.

Somebody please come and give me a shake or slap or anything. I know I am being pathetic and I don't have any choice, I am just so tired and can't face a future of either doing everything thing for the two of them or constantly reminding, prompting etc them to do things themselves. Hell, I can't even face the rest of this evening at this point.

Please feel free to not read my ridiculously long post and slap me anyway.

I read all your post with complete sympathy and no desire to slap you. My DS has dyspraxia - only mildly, I am relieved to say, and it can be so frustrating.

I will say 2 things. Firstly, it may be easier in the long run to micro-manage than not. If the routine is the same for the 2 boys it may not take much more time and may save a degree of frustration. Secondly, I have found to my own cost that comparisons with younger DD are fruitless and just cause heartache (I, too have a younger DD, who is academically bright and oh so able...). They are individuals and you have to try and treat them as such. My DD gives me hassle in all sorts of other ways - attitude and talking back - just because she is so smart.

Don't worry about half-term - you will have time to 'just be' in the afternoons. Frankly, I am quite envious of your appointments as I am having to fight both my DCs to get them up and dressed before 11 this week!

For this afternoon I suggest a large mug of tea on your own for 10 mins before girding you loins and getting back to the fray!

I too get exhausted when DH is away and when I can't see any break on the horizon. I think first thing is that you need to cancel some stuff in half term, so you can have a "do nothing" day. My sanity is helped a lot when I can see a day coming up where I don't have to get DC out of the door, and we can just stay in pyjamas. Can you get them to bed early tonight and have a huge glass of wine/fag?

Is it also possible that some of what you're seeing is boy /girl stuff? Girls are just more organised and mature earlier. But I know that mother's instinct thing, so I don't want to say any more as you will know best about your DC. FWIW my little girl (9, nf) has never put her coat on any peg and leaves her shoes in the middle of the hall every single day - it's just not interesting to her, she wants to get upstairs and play.

I think you sound exhausted, and I am not surprised. Three kids is a lot, even without the other issues. But if DS2 is doing so well in so many areas, perhaps some OT would help with the zips etc?

Not sure any of that helps but the wine and the break over half term (yours sounds too exhausting) are my best tips I reckon.

Thank you so much for reading and for the sympathy. It helps to hear I'm not the only one that gets frustrated with it all sometimes.

I do try not to compare. I have always tried to treat all three like individuals with different strengths and weaknesses, I think it just hit me today out of the blue and I wasn't prepared for it, iykwim.

I agree with you on the micro-managing as well. I know its easier to do it in the long-run, but it feels huge to think of having to do it for both boys all the way through their schooling and some days it feels like such a thankless task, as children being children, they neither notice or appreciate all the effort you put in. Obviously I don't blame them for this, I do it all because I want to and I never want them to be caught out not having what they need when they need it etc. Sometimes I can't help feeling a little envious of the other mums I know that just leave the organisation largely to their dcs with perhaps a small amount of supervision and the odd reminder.

The home routine is roughly the same for the two boys, but obviously school stuff is a different matter. They both seem to need such a lot of organisation and there's very little correlation between them really, except that they both seem to have a ridiculous amount of homework for their ages, which they both need me to sit with them the whole time for.

I have now made myself a large cup of decaff and a couple of slices of peanut butter on toast in the vain hope of finding a few crumbs of energy to see me through till their bedtime.

Thanks again.

What worries me moosemama is that you seemed to have had the same school routine as me - are you stalking me and writing it up? [hgrin]
I have similar worries about my DS2 as you do and so far have no concerns with DS3 (except you have a DD - so there is at least 1 difference). I did the Cambridge Autism Research test the other day as I had been having nagging doubts. He scored 13 and 15 was the point at which further investigation would be advised, but i had not answered a couple of questions - so realistically he could have been a 15!
I often wonder how much is learnt behaviour from the elder sibling - and have always put some of his traits down to this - and still being young etc. But there must come a point when you can't justify making these excuses all the time?
As for micro managing DS1 - did you ever think that you were not going to be able to manage that? And you do. If - and it could just be an if - you have to micro manage DS2 - you will rise to that as well. You will do it partly because you'll have to as no-one else will, and partly because you love your DCs and want them to be as happy and cared for as possible. It's tough, time consuming and draining - but you'll do it. Doesn't make it easier, there will be days from hell, but laughs as well and those 'ah' moments when you well up at how gorgeous your DC is and how you wish you could capture that moment and feeling forever and play it back when they're being total .
Not going to shake you or slap you, just empathise. My DH is also away on business - for the whole of the half term as well. When you get those precious moments of peace tonight, do something indulgent for you - whatever your poison is - curl up infront of the tv with a blanket and vice of your choice. I'll be thinking of you - and checking that you're not stalking me tomorrow and writing it up! hsmile]

Cross posted with you SOSCE. Thanks for ploughing through and replying.

I know what you are saying about pj days. We always do that in half term holidays normally, but my Mum has kindly offered to pay her pilates teacher to do the pilates with the boys, as we have been told we are on the waiting list but won't see an OT for 12 months at least and ds1 is having big problems which all seem to lead back to poor core strength. It was really nice of her to offer and I am so grateful, but really I wish she had asked me before booking the times.

I would love to cancel the family thing, but it will cause huge 'poltical' problems if I do and I am really not up for the fight at the moment.

I feel like I've been dragging myself towards half term with the idea of nice quiet days at home for us all to recover and now that's not going to happen.

I had that dreaded d&v virus that's doing the rounds last weekend, with a lovely sinus infection on top of it and ended up not being able to eat for just under 5 days though, so I am probably just really depleted.

You are right, some of the stuff with ds2 is typical child/boy stuff, but I still have this gut feeling and now dh tells me that he feels the same.

Oh great! Dh has just called to say we have been 'called upon' to make the dcs available for a family portrait for MILs birthday present next week as well now. Aaargh! Will it never end?

I'm not a big drinker, but maybe a nice glass of red after they're all in bed tonight is called for. Desperate times and all that. Chocolate usually helps, but I am a bit off it since last weekend.

Auntevil - oh no! You've sprung me. Obviously I had to say my third was a girl just to throw you off the scent.

You make a good point about the learned behaviour. I know for a fact that some of ds2's rudeness has been learned from listening to the way his brother interacts. When I called him on something he said the other day he said "well ds1 says it". There lots of possible excuses for the things he does here and there, but we still can't shake that 'feeling'.

Thing is, I don't actually think he is bad enough to need any help from anyone other than us (and by us I mean me as dh is lovely, but not much help in that way). That's a good thing though, it means that he is happy and settled at school and if anyone ever asks him he will tell them that he loves school. (This is the pole opposite of his big brother.)

You're absolutely right, I do it and will continue to do it, because I love them and want them to - be happy, fit in, have everything they need etc etc. Most of the time its just how it is, just my life and I get on with it. Today, I seem to have hit a wall. I am sure tomorrow I will be up and running again. Chaotic disorganised little monkeys they may be, but they are my chaotic disorganised little monkeys and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I just wish it were possibly to buy spare Mummy batteries for days like today.

Please excuse the awful typos and punctuation in my last post.

ps All is quiet for now, ds's are having their nintendo ds time and dd is playing quietly, I should be cooking dinner, but I feel a sudden urge to call to dh and ask him to pick up chips on his way home.

Remind DH to bring the chocolate in with the chips and then you will have the major food groups required for relaxation - wine chocolate and chips.
If you find out where the spare batteries can be bought, please post, so we can all go out and buy some [hgrin]

Will do.

I did it again with the punctuation in that last post didn't I? I'm afraid its a lost cause this evening.

I Understand. Totally!

Some days I feel like my two are competing to see who can run me the most ragged. Thankfully, they both have 1:1s who make sure they come out of school in one piece with everything where it should be. Mornings are "interesting" though, no matter how organised we try to be.

Well my two have gone to bed under a cloud. This evening they were definitely in competition about who could be the most chaotic, disruptive, rude and bad tempered. I'm still not sure who won!

Then to cap it all, I discovered ds1 had brought home his class literacy book to use for part of his holiday homework, so took the opportunity to sneak a peek at it and was frankly shocked, dismayed and downright angry to see just how bad his work has been so far this year.

The content is good, but you can't read it, because the handwriting, presentation, punctuation, letter size and spacing is apalling. He has been given lots of merit marks for effort and content, but has recorded absolutely none of them and hasn't once initialled the teachers' comments, which proves he hasn't even read the comments, let alone learned anything from them. Kind of makes it pointless for the teacher to go to all the trouble of marking really and if its not worth her marking his work, its probably not worth him doing it in the first place.

I also discovered that when he was asked to write a diary entry of a time when he felt angry in the past, he wrote a completely fictional account about his little brother annoying him by talking about Thomas the Tank too much, so he thought "I've had enough of this" and punched him on the nose! Lord only knows what the teacher thought of him, he had only been in her class for two weeks when he wrote it. The thing is, he's never hit anyone in his life. He and his brother have given each other the odd shove at the height of an argument, but that's about it. Doesn't exactly help things for us, when I have been repeatedly telling the school (in relation to the bullying he's suffered) that he doesn't physically fight. Hmm yes, Thanks for that ds1.

The only bit of light relief was where he had been asked to write down qualities for a good person who he would like to/should try to be. He had written, 'be understanding, don't be a big head, care for others and .... play on a nintendo ds all day every day!" His teacher quite rightly pointed out that playing on a ds doesn't exactly qualify as a 'good quality'. He didn't disagree - but then he wouldn't have read her comments would he?

Maybe I should just give up and go to bed now.

Sorry, that should have said thank you ouryve. Ds1's teacher swore she had put everything he needed in his hand herself, yet he still managed to forget something and go back in to fetch it. Some days I just despair - and so does she actually!