Is mainstream really the best place?

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

My eldest has started mainstream secondary. They are really good, he's got full time 1:1 and the other children are really good with him. He's even making friends, which is great!

But he's feeling bad because he's not getting answers right, for example there was a maths test and he just couldn't do it.

I have always believed that he (well both of them actually) doesn't have learning disability as in academically 'slow' - not sure what the terms are! - when I was a kid you'd say not very bright, a bit slow, etc. But I think now I am seeing that perhaps he has more difficulties than just the autism, maybe he is not academically on the same level as a child of his age?

Somehow this has made me feel so sad. Not because I have a problem with a child that isn't bright, that'd just be weird but because it makes me want to cry for how difficult he is finding things, you know?

Most importantly I am worried about his confidence. He feels like he can't get the answers right, feels stupid. I am really worried about how this will affect his confidence. So much so that I am thinking of raising with Himself the idea that we move our son to an sn school.

But then it seems like I am saying that at an sn school they don't teach which I'm not, I just think that if everyone has difficulties there, he won't feel stupid.

But then it is the real world he has to live in, not some little bubble I want to put him in to protect him from feeling bad.

Thoughts on sn v mainstream on the confidence of a child and their feelings that they are 'stupid'? Please?

Will they not be streaming the classes soon? A lot of secondaries stream the classes after the first term.....

I'm sure he'd be able to keep up with the bottom stream?

Your son should have access to a differentiated curriculum appropriate to his ability - there's no point testing him at a level that he doesn't understand.

I'd suggest making an appointment with the SENCO to discuss your concerns and ask about streaming etc. Does the school have a nurture group?

It's also important not to polarise your thoughts into SN/Mainstream - this particular mainstream school might not be right for your child if it continues this type of assessment. But you may well find another ms school which deals with it well. Before you make any decisions, ask to visit other potential schools (ms/SN) and discuss your DS's needs with the SENCO. Some SN schools do have a bubble effect, others are very good at integrating.

No, they don't stream them - only maths and english, but not yet. They are testing them atm.

He has full time 1:1 and they work with him to 'interpret' the lessons, but still there are tests and they can help him understand the questions but they can't give him the answers and it is when he gets wrong answers that he is so very hard on himself. I would almost say depressed!

It's a really great school. So supportive and the SENCO is fab. Very experienced esp with autistic children. The have great pastoral care. I'd be hard pressed to find a better mainstream school, tbh.

It's just that at mainstream he is different and he feels it. And he feels stupid and that hurts me. I just want to put him in a world school where everyone is at his level and he doesn't feel different.

but otoh, I can't protect him from the world and I think that's what I want to do.

Funnily enough, the SENCO called me this afternoon for a chat, but I missed the call.

I wonder if she mns...

Hecate - is he struggling with a particular subject (s) or a particular method of testing? My DS struggles with any test where a quick written answer is required. Although he is made to sit an do the test with the class, he is also re-tested verbally - and the greatest score given. he had become a bit despondent with tests before the testing methodology got changed. It's a vicious circle - low marks - despondency - why bother - low marks. It's worth asking if they can assess him in a way that gets the best out of him so they know what his abilities are. They will then be able to give you an accurate picture of his attainment level. You can then take it from there.

Maths is what he's mentioned - because maths is what they're testing atm I expect.

I have returned the SENCOs call - this time she wasn't there! typical. I will raise all this with her.

But how was primary for him? My DS1 says he learnt nothing during lesson time at primary, because he ws usually hiding under a desk or in the corridor. Could he have simply missed out on some lesson time before he had everything in place to support him?

primary was ok. I think they took the easy option with him. They took him out of classes far too much - taking him to the supermarket, the library, the bank.. while the other kids were getting an education!

They said they were - and I quote - taking them (cos it was both my lads) into unfamiliar situations

a bank?
a library?
a SUPERMARKET?!!!

I hit the roof.

In a review

Unfamiliar situations indeed. That was so ofensive that I am still pissed off with them.

I think they focused so much on what they couldn't do, and helping them and trying to make them happy and everything ok with them, that they didn't stretch them. They even got rid of the school bell because ds1 hated the noise. Now he's at secondary and there is a bell and it's tough shit. Whereas they could have taught him to cope with school bells at primary.

We've moved ds2 to a different primary and we're far happier with it. They don't routinely take him out to work on his own, he's in with the class unless he needs to go out - which is turning out to be almost never! He's being taught to pay attention to the teacher - which is something neither of them had to do at the other school, they just had the TA work with them.

Don't get me wrong, the TAs at the other school thought the world of my lads, and everything they did they did with the best intentions and I think they actually loved my boys! But they had worked with them since Infants and I think still saw them as babies and less capable than they have become.

Things they were all doom and gloom about and convinced would be a problem - haven't even come up!

I just feel so bad about how he feels when he can't do the work.

I suppose I am also guilty of wanting to step in and sort everything out

It does sound like he's not necessarily incapable of the work but could be well behind in terms of experience.

You said ASD, I think? So he may well have trouble seeing that he can change things and catch up gradually (my son definitely has a black and white, can/can't do this attitude). I still remember him refusing to learn to read because he'd seen how many books there were and couldn't imagine how he would ever get through them all!

Yes, asd. Actually ASD + Raging Hormones = Snarling Beastie, atm.

black & white thinking is 100% him! If me and the SENCO ever stop playing answerphone pingpong I will arrange a meeting!