Newly diagnosed AS - how to forgive/stop resenting?

[phoenixagain]

I have lurked here for a while but today I find myself struggling to cope with my 11 year old AS DD and wonder if anyone else has been through something similar?

After years of being told by primary school teachers that my daughter was well behaved at school and high achieving academically I sought diagnosis as I knew something was wrong. My DD's behaviour was incredibly difficult at home and she was so different to her peers......

I was glad to get the AS diagnosis as it explained everything. Since we received it in the summer I have exhausted myself with reading all the books/websites/researching possible support groups and activities for DD etc etc.

BUT - after feeling bereaved for a while I now feel such resentment at the level of dependence my DD has on me. High grades at school in some subjects, but she can't remember how to get dressed every day? I find her need for me absoulutely suffocating.

I have worked really hard to help her transition to secondary school. Have been to meetings and phoned and e-mailed to try to get her needs understood (don't think they like me much, but they don't have a clue about AS so I have to stick up for DD).

For 5 weeks DD has refused to approach any adult at school with her problems, but at the weekend went straight up to a member of staff in a supermarket who was promoting crisps and asked to try the new variety.... When I query this with her she has a meltdown as she can't cope with any kind of critiscism.

In short, I just resent her dependence and can't forgive her behaviours even though I know its not DD's fault.

I am a SAHM and had hoped to go back to work by now, as younger DD is at school now. Instead I just see a future of looking after someone taller than me who acts like a toddler.

I haven't told anyone about the AS as no-one seems to understand it in someone so high functioning. DH is a good man, but I am coming to terms with the fact that he is also an aspie and depends entirely on me to sort out everything for my daughter.

Is this resentment part of the journey towards accepting it all?

Thanks to anyone who has been through this and feels like posting about it.

Sorry if this font size is too small - new computer issues ..........

Thank you so much amberlight

I have read so many books, but the way you describe this has me understanding why we have difficulty getting DD dressed like never before. I know DD has big problems with smells, but I had never considered this in relation to clean clothes, freshly washed.

I will remember this and try to be more patient. I can't resent the behaviours if I understand them better.

Ooo there's nothing to stop you resenting them anyway, since they take so much bloomin' time to get round when you're trying to do 300 other things at once/herd other children into things etc but at least it helps sort out "they're just being awkward" from "actually they can't cope with any more right now", which is a start.

I had no idea how to explain my sensory issues until fairly recently. It took that long for my brain to connect up what it was feeling with me being able to explain it. I'd avoid so much without ever realising why I was avoiding it. I think I would have said "No, I don't have any sensory issues" if asked, because I had no idea that was what was doing it. Boy, do our brains need rewiring!

Phoenix - you have pretty much described my ds2 - high functioning AS and coping very well in school, but such hard work at home.
his dx is unofficial - paed wasn't sure it would be helpful to him in the long term, but gave instruction that school were to view him as such because the interventions are definitely helping him, and make school a better place to be. The first year it was almost impossible to get him peeled off me in the mornings and he refused to walk across the playground causing a scene daily, yet his learning is unaffected and everything fits nicely into his logic box and although he tells me school is boring and he never wants to go (every day the same), he's happy enough when he gets there!

Amberlight - I want a 'like' button for that post. Such a clear insight into ds2's world that he could not yet have articulated in such a way to make me understand! I want to keep that and post it somewhere prominent to remind me to cut him the slack he needs - I do mostly, but like colditz, I find his issues over relatively innocuous things impossible to comprehend. I can identify much better with dd (ADD) much, much better and am pretty sure this is the cause of things I've struggled with throughout my own life.

Ah thank you, I have now solved one of my eternal questions, inside out clothes = no seams. That's nearly 10 years of seemingly random dressing finally explained. He's such a textures boy, but I do need to find a way of stopping DS1 (nearly 11) from shoving himself up inside my jumper when we are out so he can feel the label .

pheonixagain I do get frustrated with the level of dependence DS1 has on me, we were out the other day for a new dance class, his usual friends in our usual hall but there were new grownups and he did his usual meltdown where he just presses himself into me as though he could get back in under my skin and burying his head. His skin goes blothchy and his eyes filled with tears and I wanted to shout at him FFS this is easy, how the hell are you going to cope in secondary school. Earlier this year I shouted 'can't you just be normal' at him when his behaviours were causing chaos again. . I have now made sure I have shouted that at least twice each at his brothers so he doesn't feel different

No diagnosis here. Scored really low. About 43. She was looking for a score of 80. But she said that where he does score, he is very severe. Like a lack of empathy. He wants to hurt me emotionally and says he could get me into trouble, if he felt like it.
So now we don't know if there is anything wrong with him. Not sure where to go now.
What sibling says, re school saying it is a different child. He is headmistresses, "one of my top 3 boys". Becasue he is doing so well at school, they think nothing is wrong.

I am still struggling to come to terms with this all.