Moral Dalai Lama re: stopping unwanted behaviour

[r3dh3d]

Ho hum.

We've been v lucky so far, because DD1 - although developmentally about 8m - is a very easy-going child and we haven't had that many problem behaviours and those we had were manageable.

But. We've got a problem atm which is getting out of hand, and I've run out of politically correct ways to tackle it = which means the remaining alternatives are politically incorrect.

She's always been a bit squeaky - well, OK, "scream like an extra in a horror filmy". But it's not been a big problem because it's mostly happy screaming and it's not that often. Embarrassing in Waitrose, but big picture not an issue. However. She's got a bit more "chatty" over the last 6 months, and on our way back from holiday in August we got caught in a couple of enormous traffic jams and she was squeaking her displeasure. DH decided she was hungry and the best way to deal with this was for DD2 to feed her a couple of packets of hula hoops. I was dubious, but it's hard to drive for hours with constant ear-splitting screams from the back seat. So DD2 fed DD1 hula hoops - only as DD2 was watching a DVD, effectively DD1 got a hula hoop only when she squeaked. Net result - after 3 hours of intensive training DD1 learned to scream for hula hoops.

Of course, The Child That Cannot Generalise has deicided to generalise this to all wants and desires. So now if she wants anything at all; if she's hungry, thirsty, bored, cold, hot, etc. etc. she screams the house down, which means she screams for a good 50% of her waking hours. We've been ignoring it since the end of August, so that doesn't work; she now seems to quite like the noise as much as anything. I've tried encouraging alternate communication but she doesn't DO any. I've tried reinforcing quiet but she isn't quiet often enough to catch on. It's deafening and it's really disrupting family life - DD2 is at a new school, but she can't do playdates; there's no way you could bring another child home to this. DH and I find it hard to stay in the same room as DD1 so we're tending to take turns. The dog goes off and sulks. We are all Slaves To The Scream.

So. It can't go on like this. My remaining alternative is -ve feedback, ie to do something she doesn't like. The most obvious is splashing a little bit of water in her face each time she screams - she's really not fond of this. But it's going to be hard, especially as DH will be very very uncomfortable with doing it and it will probably take days if not weeks of concerted effort from everyone to make it work.

Fortunately it's coinciding with us prepping to start PECS so I'm desperately hoping that this is driven by a desire to communicate and that giving another outlet will help too.

WWYD?

PECS should help.

You can do an alternative to PECS whilst you are waiting. It's all very well ignoring the behaviour, but you need to give her an alternative, now she has learnt the benefit of initiating communication.

You can 'train' her for hula hoops again.

Sit her down opposite you with DH in front. Put a counter or better still a pic of a hula hoop in front of her (token). DH holds up a hula hoop.

When she reaches for it, you grab her hand, physically get her to pick up the token and hand it to your dh.

Every time she does this she gets a hula hoop. You'll have to be quick at first. The second she reaches for the hula hoop you grab her hand and make her pick up the token and hand it to your dh. You are silent. You're only role is to ensure that your dd does it properly.

You can use extend this 'token' system for her to mean that whenever she hands it to you or DH, she has your undivided attention as you try to figure out what she wants. But you have to mean it and be consistent.

In the meantime, ignore all squeaks. You might want to physically get her to hand a token when she squeaks to begin with. She'll do both squeak and token, which you'll immediately respond to until the token thing is properly learnt. Then you'll only respond to the token without squeak.

Hope that helps, or at least gives you something to try.

Food for thought there, lol.

I don't think we can tackle it fully till I buy a decent laminator and a VI symbol set. It would have to be a picture not a "token" because it's so hard to find any physical object that she doesn't find reinforcing at some level. That's why object exchange failed; she's so oral fixated that she wants the object not the reinforcer or the object as well as the reinforcer. It has to be something so boring to chew that she'll happily give it up.

Am glad you agree with the ignoring. DH thinks that as ignoring hasn't worked so far, then we should stop doing it.

I have used an aversive before for very difficult behaviour - spitting - it had gone on and on. He spat because he liked it, he spat because it got a reaction, he spat all the time tbh and it was making it very difficult for people working with him. In our case the aversive was a large cape that ds1 didn't like. It was made out of a funny light rubbery plastic material and he couldn't bear the texture. If he did the behavour we put the cape on - being a large cape it was very easy to just throw on him, as soon as it stopped the cape came off. By then his understanding was coming on so I could say 'if you spit you wear the cape'.

It worked - although he became desensitised to the cape very quickly (within days) but by then the spitting had been sorted.

I'd do the water splashing, it's not cruel, and you have another child. It must be absolutely wrecking your other child's nerves to live with constant screaming. You have to make some effort to stop it.

And tbh although he hated the cape etc it seemed a far kinder way to set the boundaries than constantly telling him off etc. once the spitting had gone we could get back to normal.

I knew he had self restraint though - I think that is important if you use something like that - it has to be a behaviour you know the child can control.