Oh dear, That didn't go well. Need some help

[StarkAndWitchesWillFindYou]

After school short meeting with Class teacher and TA.

No they can't change the IEP. Tis set at County level. Wait til professionals meeting to discuss.

I said that the funding situation means I have to make a decision asap re a split placement. That I need to make sure ds is working to his capabilities in such an important year.

TA said that he is making very good progress with her. Gave some examples of little things. I said he could learn faster. She said she didn't agree and that he has autism so these things are hard. I said that with a quality TA, 18.5 hours support his IEP was extremely unambitious. She said she disagreed and that the Autism Outreach agreed.

I said that the Autism Outreach support was shoddy.

She said 'I can't listen to any more of this' and walked out.

SO what do I do now? I'm gutted she's upset. I absolutely meant nothing against her. I can SEE she is working her bottom off and is committed to ds' progress. I can see that she believes her work is paying off. It probably is in many ways. However, where it isn't goal directed ds is losing time.

Has she taken it personally that I suggested taking ds out?

I probably need to send her a card or something but what do I apologise for?

Oh, bum. That doesn't sound like a fun meeting.

She has clearly taken what you said personally - speaking from experience, it's really hard not to. But I really don't think a card or similar will help. You are not being nasty, you are trying to do the best for your child according to your beliefs. You don't need to apologise for that. If you feel you were a bit harsh, maybe say that.

TBH, the "he has autism so" part would have made me see red, I fricking hate it when people use that as an excuse for not providing good care (cf: SALT, teacher, DIS, GP, physio - yeah. Pisses me off.

Sorry stuff is hard work x

'That may or may not be so, it could be that there are implicit goals she is working to which are not set in the IEP'

Yes, I believe this is happening. I believe she is making a difference with the little things as and where. But whilst she is faffing around with the little things there is no bigger picture to aim for. There has to be a reason to work on a little thing, not just because she thinks she'd like to, he'd like to. I mean, yes there is room for some of that too, PROVIDED some proper good quality targets are also set and aimed for.

In addition to this, I have the 'professional' support, categorically refusing to tell me what they are doing with ds, working on, call me back, ask for input - anything, despite it saying explicitly in ds' statement that they must liaise with me on all aspects of his eductional provision (okay clearly to do this with everything would be crazy, but still).

So, basically the provision we are getting is: 'Leave it to us, we're the professionals, we are doing more things than are in the IEP but we aren't going to tell you what!'

Well I have no confidence in that. It isn't about trust even. It is about experience. Been there. Done that. Child failed.

justa He won't have met the targets in a couple of weeks, or at least, he might. The 'met' criteria isn't really defined. I think it is up to them whether or not he has achieved them, but they are the most boring targets I doubt if he will have met them by secondary school.

It took them 5 weeks to write the IEP targets. Lots of professionals involved apparnetly. I can't see how they could change them every couple of weeks with that level of intensive labour.

You know what though. It WAS by fault that the TA was upset. I'm not wrong about my feelings or much else , but I probably shouldn't have brought up the idea of a split-placement in an after session stand-up meeting with her and the Class teacher.

It should have been a properly documented email/proposal to the HT, with a rationale that made it clear I wasn't criticising the TA or the Class Teacher for that matter, but that they hadn't received the support necessary to ensure ds made the progress he is capable of.

I do regret the way it was done, and I do feel I should send a card, even if it was to say that perhaps. What do you think?

Okay so wrote and sent a note.

But now I'm cross with her for this:

'He has autism, the gap between him and his peers is going to widen in the things he finds difficult'

Er, why? And does she know that actually since we have started ABA the gap has closed, if slowly?

But, she's a TA. Her pessimistic view might not be ideal, but she is a TA, and not paid anywhere near enough to have to listen to me shout the truth at her.......when everyone else appears to be on her side and agree with her anyway.

'

I'm not gonna see her on Mon either as my mum will be dropping kids off.

Stark,I dont think I have replied to any of your posts, but I always read them and the advice you generously give everyone.
Can I just say a few things to you, that you of course can choose to ignore.
Your love for your ds is obvious and your desire for him to achieve everything he can.
Your frustration with the whole system no-one can doubt, and is shared by probably everyone on the SN Board-myself included.
My ds has been let down by all the agencies over the years, and it is only now, that things are changing for the better-this is after years of battles-particularly with Education,confrontation and stress and exhaustion.
I know when Claw was going through a tough time, you would tell her to slow down, gather her thoughts etc.
To me, it seems you have so many things on the go just now, and many obstacles in your way. If your LA are like mine, their influence is far-reaching, and it is quite possible their has been meetings/phone-calls between other profess. that you are unaware of, which maybe goes some way to explain why they are refusing to communicate with you re what they are doing with your ds.
Another data request would help you to establish this.
Or, it could be "dinosaur mode"-this is the way we have always worked, and we aint going to change, till we are dragged kicking and screaming.
I agree absolutely with needing to have a bigger picture to focus on, but remember, the TA sees your ds in a different setting to you each day, and so perhaps sees a need to focus on different goals to you-but, you are both working for the good of ds I suppose what Im thinking, is that be careful not to alienate yourself from all involved with ds.
If you can, grit your teeth till the next profess. meetings, and thrash out the targets and content of IEP then.
With regard to what the TA said, that made you cross: "the gap will widen between him and his peers...." I dont think she is "giving up" on ds and what he can achieve in the future. But, I do think she is right in what she says. Academically, unless your ds has severe learning difficulties, he may keep up with his peers-many ds on the Spectrum do.
But, by the very nature of his Autism, your ds will most probably always be behind his peers emotionally and socially and how he makes sense of the world. There are certain intrinsic difficulties to Autism-think the Pymarid-and no matter how much therapy, your ds and mine will always struggle with these.
Your ds is still young, I am much further down the road-my ds is 14.5, so I have seen the gap grow between him and his peers, and at times, it is hard to bear. Academically, my ds is on a par with his peers, but emotionally and socially he is waaay behind. He is still very hyperactive and impulsive and cannot go out and do the things teenage boys do. Because of his Autism, he has a very black and white view of situations and this gets more ingrained by the year. And, despite all our efforts, he is very aggressive and lashes out easily.
These differences became more apparent from approx age 9/10. I coped okish then, I think, but have found it harder to watch him become more socially isolated as he has hit his teens.
This is a looong post-sorry, but, basically wanted to say, slow down, take care of YOU, cos ds needs you well, and to share some of what might come to you as your ds gets older.

Bigpants1 No I don't hear from you much. I am very touched by your post and very grateful. It is always much easier to see what someone else should do isn't it, but when it's your own situation it's very hard to do the right thing, when what you want to do is remove from the planet anyone who gets in the way of your child's happiness and educate the ignorant whether they like it or not, or perhaps, sometimes whether they need it.

Perhaps I am driven too by my fear of that future you mention and the painful awareness of how little control I will have over ds and his development and his general behaviour then. I want damage limitation by setting up the best path possible now I suppose.

But you are right that I need to stand back and take time. A couple of weeks isn't going to do much harm now. He'll do okayish the the TA he has if she hasn't resigned.

Rather than upset the school, it would probably be better just to enrol him into another setting until Christmas as planned for our home-tutor to work with him and reassess then.

I might be cross that the provision we have won isn't anywhere near value for tax-payers money if they can't evidence the point of their existance but neither does that mean ds will fail terribly with our back up plan etc. Perhaps it is better to play it cool until then and let the 'professionals' hang themselves, and the TA enjoy ds' learning pace.

But, I might just do a data search whilst I'm waiting !